25years, I will try to respond to all of your posts in one reply. "What did she SAY were the reasons for her wanting out? We're in the dark about what to advise without a lot more info." Some of the reasons for her wanting out were, that she wasn't happy, she felt taken for granted, and my words were hurtful.
I guess my 180s are to stop pursuing, and use kind, affirming words. My GAL since the divorce, I have bought a 4 wheeler, and gone riding with friends, bought a gun and started poking holes in paper with friends.
I am trying to continue with the affirming words. I bought her a Christmas present that was child related, to show her that I thought she was a great mother, also told her that.
I will reply more later, that is all I've got for now. Thanks for the help, I'm not very good at this. If I leave something out, please ask and I will try to elaborate. Thanks again.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
So, my ex stopped by today to drop off some clothes for my son's school concert. We talked for a few minutes before she left. The upcoming deployment is stressing her out, I can tell that much. She told me that she plans on getting movers to help her move her stuff. She told me that she feels bad about leaving the kids again. I feel like I am being tested, and failing. I think that my not saying anything supportive about her feeling bad is "more of the same". She said that I was never there for her. I also feel like she wants me to help her move her stuff. If she asks, I will probably help, but I am not going to offer. I don't know if that is the right way to approach this. Part of me doesn't feel sorry for her, she created this situation by divorcing me. But, another part of me wants to do everything to help her. I really wanted to give her a hug today when she was telling me how stressed she is about the deployment, but I didn't. I feel like I am messing this up. I guess I am going to continue with "going gray" and see how it goes. Don't have anything else to lose, I've already lost most of it...
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
Another thing she said tonight was that she would give me the password for her bank acct while she is gone. So I will be able to transfer money to pay for daycare, kids clothes, and other things. This confuses me because when we were married she wouldn't share her passwords with me because she wanted her privacy. This included her email, facebook, and her access to our then joint bank acct. We had separate email and facebook accts, but she wouldn't share her passwords. This bothered be because I believe that spouses should not hide anything from each other. She knew my passwords, until I changed them after her refusal to share. My daughter told me tonight that she wants mommy, like she usually does when she stays with me. I told her as always that I missed mommy too and that mommy was having a hard time. Then my daughter asked when mommy was coming back. I told her that I didn't know, and that mommy might not ever come back. It breaks my heart to hear my children say they want mommy. My youngest son told me that he likes mommy's house better than mine. My oldest hardly talks to me, but nodded yes when I asked if he wanted to go back to mommy's house.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
That [censored], Wedge, to have them prefer one house over the other. Look deeper though... kids give their meaning with the images and thoughts that come out in a random order. Rather than focus on if one place is better, focus on whether they enjoyed their time with you.
My kids really aren't liking the separation/divorce. I remind them one day their mother might feel comfortable to go out for a special occasion together, but their family is still a whole. Divorce doesn't break a family - it separates two adults and changes how the family lives.
Isn't it strange that you are getting more trust now that you're divorced?? F* that, eh?
Some of the best days I've ever had in my life with my wife occured near the end of my marriage as I found her opening up for the first time in my marriage. But, it obviously didn't last. Those ups and downs will be part of your and my life, I expect. Days that you look at her and see your wife, your love. Others where you see a hollow shell that has life and may have love, but has chosen not to offer it to you. I wouldn't get wrapped up in the password.
I would suggest that everything that logically allows you to move on and have a better life for you and your kids is what you should be thankful for and work for. When you succeed in getting that thing, enjoy it for the improved life, not for the hope your marriage will come together again.
Hope you have a great sleep so you can wake up to 3 kids that love you, even if they are hurt.
