Holding each other prisoner.

[macvspc]

My original thread: After one year of separation, wife wants divorce

Hello all, I have be reading up on many of the threads. Crimson - your situation is awesome, Rick89 - keep on DBing, etc...

Here it is now a year and a half since I left the home in anger and hurt and no movement either way. I guess this could be seen as a positive thing since no one has filed but we still are in limbo.

I chose the title of this thread because this is how I feel we are, holding each other prisoner. Both afraid to answer and both afraid to move forward in either direction. However, I get the sense that my wife is feeling like I have a gun to her head (Thanks DG) wanting a decision.

We have not talked about our M since June of 2011 when we had a big blow out. We have continued to act as a family when together and on outings. W and kids went to her parents house for Thanksgiving and Christmas while I stayed here and took care of house and animals. Felt good to sleep in my own bed for that time but weird at the same time.

I think OM is still in the picture but have stopped snooping to confirm. Its hard not to let your mind play tricks on you when a text or an email comes in to wait till she walks out of the room to look, but I am wining that battle. I guess this is where the feeling of being held prisoner for her might come in, mind reading? I avoid glancing over her shoulder when she is on her laptop or texting. But its like fighting an addiction isn’t it? The desire to get answers or move in any direction plays tricks on my mind and heart.

Some insight I have had lately:

1. I don’t blame my wife for not trusting me. Why? Reading from other posts here on the MB, I am learning about how the WAW was hurt in the M and how difficult it can be to trust the H to not hurt her again. For 11 years, it was a roller coster and painful for both of us. Sandi2 and 25, you have been a lantern for me when things get dark. To see the POV from you helps put ego in check!

2. I have to forgive myself for walking out on my family. I am to blame for giving up and not fighting for this M or family. That night in July of 2010 when I walked out the door stating I wanted a divorce, hurts me to this day.

3. The OM is not the problem in the M but a symptom of how bad this M was. As other H admit to this, so do I. By not connecting with my W, I gave room for this guy to move in.

4.My children are doing well without us being together. So does this speak to those who believe that children rebound after a separation/divorce? The jury is still out on that one, but we are being good co-parents, just not H and W.

There is still a lot of fear of failure and I know I have more work to do on myself. I guess time and space is all I can give and ask for myself.

TIA,
mac

[stillhopin]

Hi Mac, I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share how you guys told the kids, how they dealt with it then, and are dealing with it now?

[macvspc]

SH, we have not told the kids, "officially." Give them credit, they know something is up. Its been almost two years since I lived at home and they can put two and two together. That's too much to ask for a 9 and 7 to do isn't it? Now I feel awful.

They do ask. The last time was my daughter, 7yo, came in the kitchen and asked when we were going to be a family again. W's answer was, "That's a difficult question to answer." This was 3 or 4 months ago.

It took all my energy not to say anything at that time. When they ask me, I tell them the same answer we did in the past, "Mom and Dad are working things out. You know there is nothing more than I want, and that is for us to be a family."

Some may say this puts my W to blame in their eyes. I do tell them I made mistakes too and I am working on being a better father and husband.

In my state there is a required parenting class for D. We have not gone yet. I guess that could be a positive.

Hope this helps. Or maybe it doesn't since we haven't done anything yet.

[macvspc]

Help.
Little bump

[labug]

What would you like help with? It sounds like you've had some great insights.

What do you want to do in your M?

[macvspc]

Labug,

Wow. That's a true question and I have failed to ask myself it all this time. I have read DR and need to reread it.

I hate to say this but I'll have to get back to that question.

Thank you for asking it.

[macvspc]

LABUG:

I guess the short answer to the question of what do I want in my M is to be happy, loving, caring and open with each other. In all four of those areas, I failed as a husband and father to our children.

UPDATE
Two weeks ago W calls out of the blue and wants us to talk to regroup. I ask pleasantly, "Is everything OK?" Her answer - Yes, just want to get on the same page.

I quickly scheduled a DB Coaching call with Lennie (sp?) who is familiar w/sitch and very good. We go through the last year and a half and she asks me some very good questions - What is your worst expectation? That my W is going to ask for a divorce. She shared with me some things to say and expressed to me that I need to validate W's feelings.

On 3/11 we have our talk. I sit with her and allow her to take lead. Worst fears came true. Brief synopsis:

W - We have been so friendly, caring, helpful to each other living apart. I can not change my mind.

M - Change mind about what?

W - (Sadly) Wanting a divorce.

M - I am sad to hear how you feel hopeless about our relationship.

W - It makes me sad too.

We went on to talk for an hour and a half. Openly discussing our failures, apologizing and forgiving.

Over the past week our conversations have been less intimate and short. I try not to peruse or pressure her. She has seen a lawyer and has be in contact with yet another man. 2X4's ready, yes I snooped.

I guess the writing in on the wall and I need to accept her moving on. I realize that I never let her go and need to now.

Its so difficult to see this come to an end. Just awaiting legal proceedings to start.

More later.