I am not really sure what to say - I need some support. I have been out of my apartment for 31 days now. Last night, my wife told me that she is ready to sign papers - she's done, she doesn't want me to share my feelings anymore. She initiated, though hasn't filed.
During the last few weeks, I have felt.... variably. Sometimes, I want to try to work it out. Sometimes, I recognize that the relationship was very unhealthy and that I feel much better w/o the daily abuse and criticism. We are both at fault and I am aware of that. I do not desire to play the blame game.
What sparked this last change of heart on her part was a note I left telling her that if we were going to work things out, she would have to start seeing a counselor at least. She is bipolar and told me 2 weeks ago that she no longer thinks she is ill and is not taking her medicine. I was concerned and protecting myself, but I think I should have been more caring in my note, as I was upset when I wrote it and definitely cold. And hypocritical, as I am a recovering alcojolic that hasn't been treating my alcoholism for years (not drinking for 6, but on and off pot for the last few). I am back in recovery now and doing my best to work on me.
I'm just really confused and fluctuate between wanting to try to work things out and wanting to go my own way. We would be married 4 years this coming Thursday. She kicked me out officialy on Jan 2.
We have had lots of problems. Communication is practically non-existent and has been for some time. It's like one of us tries, the other one doesn't. And then we flip positions.
I don't know what to do. I sent her a text asking her to consider counseling with me in March. I do not intend to contact her until then. Maybe an anniversary card. I don't know.
You didn't mention loving her at all in your post....
If your answer is yes ????
Then keep reading..
If it is no ?
Then you can stop here.
This is something that I made for myself right after my bomb. It is from some things that I read and put together for reminders for myself.
Along with the 37 guidelines that are around here, and somebody will come along shortly with these.
I hope you find it useful...
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Proof? You want proof?
Stop all of that, and watch the dynamics change.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch them change.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
Thank you for your response. I am working hard to do just that - it's definitely not easy though.
Yes, I love her. Very much. I could not be with her now the way she is and thr way i am, as we are both just too broken at present to be any good to anyone. But I do love her and I am working on myself. Perhaps she will work on herself too, but that I can not know and need not concern myself with.
I am done pleading though. And fighting. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to save my marriage - i'm just not always feeling like that's what i want to do (and frankly, i feel like it is approaching hopelessness anyways).
I am really missing her today. She stopped by - I'm staying with my mother for the time being and the two of them have been walking our dogs at the beach together. I think it's really an excuse to see me because she always comes up to the apartment when there really is no need to do so. She invited me along this time, but it just didn't feel right (she has been giving me the script in not so friendly terms the last couple of days). I said "do you really want me to come?" Because frankly, I couldn't imagine she did. I should have just said yes or no, but it's hard when she is around.
She verbally bashed me for a minute or two on the way out, but I said nothing. That's progress for me. I'm tired of fighting. She is now 3 weeks w/o medicine. I try not to let that color my vision of her, but can't help but wonder how much it has to do with the way she is behaving.
But I digress. I need to keep this about me, about my improvement. I am going out with friends all day tomorrow - I haven't been with friends here in months. Trying to GAL. I also signed myself up for guitar lessons (lifelong dream) and a few weeks ago signed myself up for yoga teacher training in Costa Rica (another dream), so I leave in a few days. I've been seeing an IC as well, which has helped if only to give me someone unbiased to talk to. I love my friends and family, but everyone is so on my side. My ego is too big - I need humility so I can improve myself.
I realized I've been trying to make changes for her instead of me. That's not going to do me any good long term.
I just want to be a good person.
Weekends are hard.
Ok, good night (yeah right, I'll be up all night again!)
Me: H 30 W 29 Married: 2/9/08 Separated: 1/2/12 - she initiated, i moved out ILYBINILWY: Fall of 2011
Crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. - A. Camus
Mach mentioned the 37 rules. Lately I seem to be posting them...First, I am truly sorry you have reasons to be here. You'll find a host of caring people going through similiar trials and some caring vets like Mach paying forward for the assistance they received.
Own your part, work on you, you can only hope to control your actions.
The rules:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thanks for the rules. Having a hard time with number 33 today. Not feeling particularly dark or down - the opposite really, but i know that will change.
Got home after the super bowl and logged into my facebook just as my wife was changing her status to "single" (thanks newsfeed for making my personal life so public), and systematically removing any trace of me. I can't say it didn't affect me, but a couple of days ago i would have been devastated.
I'm working hard on detaching and getting better at it. Going dark as possible too (some mutual issues to take care of - bills, etc.), but plan on handling it by note or text. I am, at this point, doing more for me than in hopes she'll notice my absence. I don't know anymore - i'm going to keep gal'n and pulling 180s, but i think i need to move on. I believe in marriage and in my vows, but i'm pretty sure it's done.
I know a lot of you say it's over when you say it's over. I don't know though. I'm going to keep following the program so i can be a better partner in my future relationships. I am highly doubting those relationships will be with my stbxw.
We are stuck being married for at least 6 months - we are new to NY and there is a residency requirement. Yes, that means i have some time. Frankly, i'm scared to be with her when she's not medicated, though. She gets very violent, verbally and emotionally abusive, and her emotions get completely out of control. Throw a D on top of that and i can't imagine what would happen.
I don't mean to be a downer, but when is enough enough? Been thinking i should have asked HER to leave.
Life is so strange sometimes. I am so very thankful that we did not have children. I really feel for those of you who do - you must be incredibly strong people. I pray that i can maintain a fraction of your strength.
Good night all. 2 am is here - i should try to sleep.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here.
Me: H 30 W 29 Married: 2/9/08 Separated: 1/2/12 - she initiated, i moved out ILYBINILWY: Fall of 2011
Crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. - A. Camus
Journaling... Spent the day with my dogs - my best friends in NY. I miss them a lot, but don't really like being in the old apartment. Thank God it was nice out. Had to communicate to stbx about some $ she owes for expenses, but did it by closed ended note that didn't allow for a verbal/text response. More of a - here are the expenses, here is your share, here are receipts, just leave me a check.
She had asked me to text her every day about when i see & feed t he dogs. I was for awhile, but let her know that i would no longer be doing that - i am there the same time everyday, don't see the need. Feel like she's just trying to keep me in steady contact. Cake and eat it too. No longer. Going dark does not feel scary anymore. Fb has informed me that she is now contacting old boyfriends - can't say i like it, but can say for sure it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. Working HARD to detach. Didn't mention it or even give her any clue i noticed and don't plan to. Not my bizness - my business is making me a better person.
Glad to have a solution to the problem of me. Convinced more and more each day that DB will save me. I am so thankful to have stumbled upon it. Hard to think i was such a self-pitying, groveling mess just a few weeks ago. Hope i didn't just jinx myself
Me: H 30 W 29 Married: 2/9/08 Separated: 1/2/12 - she initiated, i moved out ILYBINILWY: Fall of 2011
Crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. - A. Camus
