i have been away from the board for awhile just working on myself and my health. On a bright note, my health is doing well and i am winning the battle with cancer.
My family has drifted further apart from each other. SS15 has moved out, ss14 is having a hard time with his emotions. s10 is avoiding home as much as possible and d8 is still asking when mom is coming home.
Over the past 2 months, things with w have been the same as always. She would have her visits at the house and then leave. In November, she went to court for her charges from her job and was sentenced to 2yrs probation and 6 months with a curfew. So this made her visits a little harder. OM refused to drive her anymore and she couldnt stay for her weekend visits. 1 weekend visit was6 trips back and forth and recently i did the math at the gas pumps $115.
Around this time, W started saying she had to get out of the situation with the OM. She needed to find a place on her own. Well after 2 months of hearing this, and doing all this driving between my parents and me, i have had enough. I told her i wouldnt do it anymore. So now im the a@#hole and i only want to bring her down. Her new way out of her mess is to go to school over 2 hours away. She cant pay her support, or see her kids right now, but she will move further away from them. But according to her, she will take the greyhound to see them on the weekends. makes me laugh.
I am having some major battles with myself and I cant seem to find the answers. I cant figure out just what my w does for me. What is so great about her that makes me act stupid and suffer with all her issues. I have been dating and that was a disaster. Its kinda hard to date when you are using your 2 free nights a week to drive your ex to and from your house etc. No women in their right mind would tolerate your ex at your home 2x a week and every other weekend. I have tried to figure out why i do this to myself and i cant seem to find an answer. My friends think im crazy. Our mutual friends are telling us both that after this much time apart, we should be able to figure it out.
Everytime i pull back, i allow myself to be dragged back in. Its a vicious cycle and i acant seem to stop it. There is something about w that keeps me wanting to fix this marriage.
Tank, honey, you care about the mother of your children and long for a reunited family - that's normal.
If you could find the time to go to Al-Anon, I think you would learn the answers to some of your other questions.
And btw - the RIGHT woman would understand you helping your ex to see the kids FOR THE KIDS' SAKE. I am dating a guy who works nights and has his 9 year old daughter every other weekend - I don't get to see him often but one thing I do NOT resent is his time spent with his child - I ADMIRE him for being a responsible dad.
So glad you're winning the cancer war! Make sure they keep track of your vitamin D levels, and ask them to check you for iron overload if it hasn't been done.
Thanks everyone, I am gonna win the war on my health. Anyone out there with a similar war should look into the biz wig diet. Dr's don't recognize diet as a treatment cause they can't gauge results or that us patients will follow it, but mine told me about it and I followed while on chemo and I am doing great!
As for w, well its been 2 weeks since she has seen the kids. I have to go away this weekend for work, so my parents are taking the kids. My mom called w and left her a msg that the kids were at her house and she could see them for her weekend visit there. We will see if she will show up.
Ss14 and s8 apparantly called w and left her a mag that they would share a room and she could have a room all to herself. They did that without telling me. If d8 hadn't let it slip, I probably wouldn't know.
Kml, I don't know that any women would except ttheir partner to be spending 2 hrs twice aweek alone with their ex in a car and their ex spending 8hrs a week in their home and also every other weekend. Especially when that time is the only free time they have for each other. I kinda put my stbxw ahead of her, and I totally understand why it wasn't accepted.
Me, I'm back to time with the kids, spending time with friends and at lodge. I'm pretty busy. I'm having time really focusing on what I want. I'm asking myself constantly and I can't find the answers.
Anyone with some insite as to push through this mental block I have with myself about w?
She asked for my help to see the kids. I agreed to for a short time drive her back and forth. I gave up my time out to accomodate her request. But she would tell me how bad things are at home with om, how he controls her. She has no job, om pays for everything including her lawyer. She even told me that sex happens only when he gets in bed and tells her his di*# is hard and let's get it over with. Really, I didn't need to hear that.
I would hide in my room for her visits, she would constantly come in, sit on my bed and carry on a conversation with me. She would beg me to cook dinner for her and the kids, if I said no she would pout. It was like she was playing house. She obviously needs me for certain things and knows how to get me to do them.
For christmas, I got $50 towards all the gifts for the kids and she got that from her grandmother christmas day. I also provided for the kids bdays. She says we have to show the kids we can be civil and do things together. My question to that is why?
Is it really in the kids best interest to behave like this? To provide them with a fake reality?
As for introducing change, I tried to talk with her numerous times about the situation. Even asked her to get a job to help with the financial burden of all the driving required to get her to and from her visits. That's when she said a minimum wage job won't help her pay to live and pay her child support and her 12000 in arrears. So she was going to go to school instead.
My only solution was to end the charade, stop doing things for her. I have to stand firm on this or I'm just acting like normal and constantly changing my mind. The kids aren't seeing their mom, but really, shouldn't she solve that problem not me? I told her she can still have her visits at the house, I just can't afford to do all her driving.
The kids aren't seeing their mom, but really, shouldn't she solve that problem not me?
Yes, she's the adult, they are the children. She determines what her relationship is to be. You are not responsible to get her to and from visitation. She was the walk the away, she had a large part to play in the situation she now finds herself in, let her solve it. Just my opinion. You've made a good boundary here.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Your advice and your answers are all in your post...
You are making decisions in your mind and that is great. I mean this in complete respect, are you asking us for permission to do what you feel is "right" and in your best interest and the best interest of the kids?
What are you committed to? Your W's sense of comfort or your responsibility to you and your kids?
You know how the saying goes. You cannot help anyone else until you first help yourself.
Like QOS said, good boundary. How else can that show up in your life?
well QOS, i set this boundary before, i need to stay confident enough in my decision to see it through. i drop the kids at grandmas house yesterday and my mom called w to let her know the kids were there. So we see if she shows up to see the kids. She hasnt seen them in 2 weeks so i do hope she shows up.
KD, i guess im asking if im taking the right approach here. Her world is falling apart around her and am i just being an as@ and making things worse. I keep telling myself its what needs to be done, and then i second guess it. I reason with myself and tell myself if i stay nice and continue doing these favors for her she will come around.
There have been a few times where i have actually had to stop myself from sending her an email of a facebook message. So far i have been able to remain strong and have not caved and contacted her, but when i dont contact her, the kids dont even get to talk with her. Im afraid that my choices are pushing her further away from me and the kids. That im her life line and as long as she has me, there might be a chance she will rise up out of the mess she is in. im really afraid she will regress again and back into the drugs. Which by the way she is off and gets tested weekly. She is putting weight back on and looking healthy. I just dont want to push her backwards.
tank... take a good hard look at the saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink"...
Nature is actually full of examples of this, if we look for them. Turkeys (ok, they aren't really that smart, but) will actually allow themselves to die, pining over the loss of their mate. I have literally seen this happen. No medical reason for it aside from death by dehydration/starvation. Physically placing the animals beak in water and food, trying to encourage it to save itself... no joy...
Please understand that you have given your W the food and water... she just will not eat / drink... you can not save her... just as she cannot save you, only you can do that.
You have made many, different efforts to encourage your W's R with the kids. This one may not be for you to fix... KWIM?
