Well, the roller coaster ride continues. My W continues to be secretive and evasive about where she's going and who she's with. Computer and phone locked down... though I've stopped snooping because I can't stomach it anymore.
She's living in some kind of adolescent-like MLC fantasy land about finding the 'perfect' replacement for me. I stumbled upon (really, stumbled upon... didn't snoop) her 'checklist' of the qualities her new man will have... dark and handsome, strong, physically fit, wealthy, adores children/loves my son, expressive, always optimistic, puts her on a pedestal, adventurous, funny, blah, blah, blah... sounds pretty good!
She believes she will find this Prince in 2012. (It does not describe any of the men she's been pursuing to date... they, I suppose, are the toads she's kissed along the way). [Sorry -- I can't help but chuckle to myself a little].
Recently, she's taken to stealing from me -- cash from my wallet to go out for drinks; check book from my briefcase, credit card to add to her online psychic account (Cha-ching! Those psychics must love stringing her along with good predictions about this new man!). Damage was thankfully limited to $400 before I caught it. She denies everything, of course, credit card transaction receipts are apparently no proof of anything in her fantasy land.
So, this week I had enough... cancelled the credit card so she couldn't use it anymore; explained to her I'd no longer backstop her financially when she ran out of money for household expenses that are her agreed responsibility and that she needed to check her extra marital social spending.
Then I used the 'last resort technique'. Told her she had to stop living like a single person and daydreaming like a teenager and recommit herself to real life with me and my son... otherwise she shouldn't let the doorknob hit her in the butt on the way out. No more Mr. Doormat! No more of the perks of partnership if she ain't gonna be a partner...
I was pretty emphatic (and loud)... then I left to go to the gym.
Later, she moaned about how threatening her makes me even less attractive to her... said she wasn't going anywhere, because she and my son are a package deal, so I would just have to deal with the fact that she'll be where I am.
Then yesterday, she e-mailed me the names of two marriage counsellors we could consider talking to.
Now I know her heart's not in it... she feels like she's in a corner (because my threat to kick her out of the house (and the country) is a credible one.) And I know her plan is to appease me with counselling while she gets her financial situation sorted while she continues to seek out Prince Perfect.
BUT -- I'm going to take advantage of this opportunity. (Yep, I've read the threads about how to screen a counsellor). I'm hoping she'll come to realize how immature, crazy and inappropriate she's been acting and actually recommit. Not holding my breath... just hoping.
Any words of advice? Anyone been at this juncture?
Need help... I think this is make or break and I don't want to mess up the opportunity.
Hey RoughSeas sorry to hear about your sitch. Here's my story: one week before x-mas, we had a party with friends at the house. My H got really drunk and when everyone left, he started to get agressive, insulting and mean. My 15S tried to intervene and ended calling the neighbor to help. I ended going to Moms with S to spend the night. I was hoping to come home the next day and he'd be sorry! Wrong!! when I got home in the PM; he refused to let me in, finally let me in and told to pack my stuff and get out. I asked him why he was so mad, he said I didn't ASK him if my family could come over for Xmas Eve. BTW I hadn't even made plans yet. That was a pathetic answer. I was so confused and hurt. My son came with me and we had the worst xmas ever. Days later he wrote me a letteer that I was the reason for everything bad in his life and blamed me for everything. I was in a state of shock, in response wrote him a wake up letter that was pretty vicious hoping he would wake up and come to his senses!! Wrong, made him more mad!! I ended up renting a house with in 15 days of him throwing me out home. I got a nice house, i have several successful business and own real estate; and honestly i think he has been very jealous of this. Even though I've always told him it was ours. His business has been going sour for years and I think he's going through MLC and sever depression. I don't think that there is another woman. That would require effort, money and he doesn't trust women(Explain later in other posting related to his mother that abandoned him when baby; put in orphanage). I left him alone, didn't call, text or email for more than 30 days; until I got the divorce papers in the mail. I was furious. I confronted him and begged him to take me back. He patted me like a dog and told me to move on with my life. He lied to the court and said we had been separated since 2008 (we were separated for a brief 3 mts, same issues). I refuse to sign the papers since it is considered PERJURY and mostly because I DO HOT WANT D. We have 1 year to R. I learned in the past 3 months that i was partly to blame and realize my faults. Its been the hardest thing ever. If I see him, he does not acknowledge me, he won't return few calls, few emails, won't communicate with me re: son. I sent him the release letter recommended admitting to my faults. He hasn't opened it. He refuse to tell me of a family friend that died. he hasn't told his family, etc..... And I am still not bothering him. he did stop by house to pick up son and i could tell he was mad at my new house. i have lost lots of wt, reading, watching less tV, not cooking, quilting, hanging out with friends, trying to have a good. Sometime I have to force myself to go out, because sometimes it can be easy to sit around and listen to Adele love songs and start to feel sorry for myself. But finally, i can see a small, very dim light. I'm starting to get use to this ALONE thing. It is hard, hard and sometime I keep wondering what could I have done to have been a better wife, but even though i had my faults, I was a great wife. faithful, good cook, housekeeper, lover, friend, great sence of humor, optimistic, loving, and i can keep going. But if he's never going to acknowledge that the good things can sometimes outweight the bad, well, then I'just going to have move on with my life. I STILL LOVE him with all my heart and i still want it to work and I am going to be patient hoping that he might come to his senses sooner later, but i can't wait forever. Life is to short. i hope that you can do that same. I am doing the phone coaching and it has been a wake up call. this is where i was able to admit to my faults. Keep me posted on your progress and I will do that same. Good Luck to You..
My other concern is that she has said quite a few times in this process that she wants me to go out and have more of a social life independent of her... and that she hopes I'll find someone else that makes me happy one day, so we can both move on.
I did this too. First I did honestly want him to be happy and had decided that I just wasn't that person. It hurt so hard to say that our relationship was over and the silver lining that he might be happy with someone made that a bit better
Like your W I was the first to date, flirt, have attention from the opp sex and I felt guilty. Here I was going out and having fun and he was sitting at home. Encouraging him to go out and meet someone relieved some of that guilt.
If I could tell a WAS anything it would be don't do this. I regret this a million times over. I'm not sure if I would have come to my senses and decide that I could make him happy and we could be happy together before he found someone, but I hate that I was the one to encourage it.
Quote:
She's living in some kind of adolescent-like MLC fantasy land about finding the 'perfect' replacement for me. I stumbled upon (really, stumbled upon... didn't snoop) her 'checklist' of the qualities her new man will have... dark and handsome, strong, physically fit, wealthy, adores children/loves my son, expressive, always optimistic, puts her on a pedestal, adventurous, funny, blah, blah, blah... sounds pretty good!
She believes she will find this Prince in 2012. (It does not describe any of the men she's been pursuing to date... they, I suppose, are the toads she's kissed along the way). [Sorry -- I can't help but chuckle to myself a little].
I did all this too. All of it! Seriously, here's the real truth. You are that checklist. You are everything she once wanted. Every single part of that checklist contains a bit of you. In fact if you look closely it's probably aspects of yourself that you've lost along the way. Are you less optimistic than when you two first met? Do you only complain or grumble about life to her? (maybe because you feel comfortable to be yourself) I dated quite a few guys (toads) I just liked the attention. I'd felt so alone for so long. I am betting that's what she's doing.
Like you two, we are in another country. And you know what...no one else she meets in that country will have your shared history. Can imitate the accent from the town you once lived in back home, will know those local dishes, culture, traditions, etc. You two have a shared history and everyone else will feel slightly foriegn. Just like going to a costume party, it might be fun to try on a different idea of herself when she dates someone but they won't ever be home. REMEMBER THAT!!!
This being said the stealing, the psychics are completely out of line. She wouldn't do that to a relative, a friend, or a roommate and she shouldn't be allowed to do that to you. You need to let her know that in no uncertain terms.
Hi Brit45. Thanks for your note and your words of encouragement. It's comforting to know that other couples have gone through something like this, but not comfortable to be in this situation!!
Although it's been a hellish experience, I think I am a better, stronger person than I was six months ago. I have gotten back into shape (and am building a new wardrobe to match), gone back to hobbies I love (rowing, reading, etc.), am out there more socially, got a raise and bonus at work, am doing charitable work, travelling on my own and with my son more.
She grumbles about all of this... makes cruel remarks about my self-improvement. Makes a point of staying/sleeping in another room.
It's hard to tell what's going through her mind because I don't think I'm really dealing with a rationale person here. Here's why...
We started therapy together -- me going at it from the viewpoint that perhaps I could forgive and we could reconcile; her from the viewpoint that we should find a way to split amicably. As they do, the therapist saw us together first, then each of us individually.
Following that, the therapist thinks my wife has some form of Cluster B personality disorder (based on childhood issues) -- Narcisstic PD or Borderline PD -- that basically makes her addicted to outside attention. She mirrors the behaviour of others (when we're with other married couples, she slides the wedding band back on and acts the role of perfect mom); when she's with her party-girl friends, she too is a party girl; when she's hit on by whatever lurking bar guy, she laps up the compliments and goes home with him.
I'm pretty sure she's 'dating' one of these guys she met -- meeting for lunch, coffee, drinks and late night liaisons.
The therapist thinks her lashing out at me and making snarky comments about my self improvement is owed to her feelings of extreme shame and guilt about what she's done. Still [censored], though... I wish that guilt and shame would translate into an apology and maybe a recommitment to our partnership.
It's a crazy, scary situation, and one I never thought I'd find myself in. But in retrospect, I suppose there were always signs of her needing outside affirmation, craving attention, etc. It's just reached an extreme now. Something seems to have snapped when she had her hysterectomy plus some issues in her family back in the fall.
As much as I'd like a little companionship right now, there's no way I'll jeopardize custody of my son by dating anyone right now. And in the long run, I think I'd look back and regret doing that during a time when she clealy needs help...
Giving her/me 7 months to work it out one way or another. Come January 2013 things will change no matter what.
The therapist thinks her lashing out at me and making snarky comments about my self improvement is owed to her feelings of extreme shame and guilt about what she's done. Still [censored], though... I wish that guilt and shame would translate into an apology and maybe a recommitment to our partnership.
I agree with that a hundred million percent. Wow I see *a bit* of myself in your wife. I acted out but not to that extreme.
If she indeed has some of these issues and she's willing to work on them then there's hope. If she starts to work through these issues she'll be looking back at her life and how she treated people while she was only focused on herself.
The entire do I move on or do I keep hope alive is something EVERYONE on this board deals with. Don't date if you're not ready. Not only is it not fair to you but it's not fair to whoever is meeting you thinking that you might be a potential BF.
Try not to think about timelines. I kept telling myself by April things will be great. My IC had said in 6 months people tend to heal. There's no timeline on that and if you just try to look forward to a specific date you might miss doing the work that's needed right now. I was very paranoid because I'm a planner. IE I need to get over this or get back together because I'm almost 35 and if I want more kids, etc etc etc. That's all control and I don't to control anything. Focus on being the best you, you can be, for yourself and for whatever lucky lady is by your side in say 10, 15 or 5 years from now.
Something seems to have snapped when she had her hysterectomy plus some issues in her family back in the fall.
Very Normal thing to happen.
Originally Posted By: RoughSeas
Giving her/me 7 months to work it out one way or another. Come January 2013 things will change no matter what.
I agree with Brit45 Timelines are doomed to fail. Have you ever heard of the Stockdale paradox? He was a POW that successfully came home from North Vietnam. Everyone else had TIMELINES and when the time passed and they were still in captivity they died. Some what like having EXPECTATIONS. You can google the paradox and read it for yourself.
Just read your sitch Rough, sounds like you are focusing on yourself and GAL which is great. Realizing you have zero control over your w and truly letting her go is very hard but I feel is necessary if you are ever to reconcile.
I am also against a firm timeline where you tell yourself a decision must be made. However, you can set mini timelines and goals, let's say, August 1 you hope to be doing such and such and will re-evaluate where you are.
At that point you can set a new timeline and goal. Your outlook and perspective will change throughout this sitch so try not to think in certainties or pigeon-hole yourself into a place where you feel you have to make a decision.
Be the best dad and person you can be on a daily basis and check in w/ yourself periodically.
Hi all. Thanks for the perspective and your help. I really appreciate it. My Jan 2013 date isn't so much a timeline I'm imposing on myself... it's the date on which my work permit expires and I have to move jobs and countries.
So that'll force either a break or an attempt at reconciliation... will we move and set up a new home together with our son in a new location? Or two separate homes and begin 'co-parenting'?
For now, I'm choosing not to discuss this with her or entertain any discussion of what a breakup looks like in terms of dividing assets or sharing custody.
We started therapy together in April and the notion of how to 'smoothly' work out a break up could come up at the next session. Not sure how to handle if it does, other than to say "not going to discuss that right now..."
Sad tonight. (Friday). I'm at home with my son who's now asleep. My wife is, of course, out for drinks with "girlfriends".
When I picked my son up from school tonight, one of the other parents asked if he was going to movie night. He is not. Movie night is something his school does about once a quarter to allow parents to get the night off (for dinner/date) while the teachers stay late and provide pizza/movies. It's a nice thing they do, mostly because there are a lot of expats where I live, who don't have extended family to provide child care, etc.
In the past, it would have been a great opportunity to go for dinner together or with friends, have a few drinks, and take the night off.
Sadly, I there was no interest in this on my wife's part. So here I sit, polishing off a bottle of wine on my own in front of the computer... reviewing my threads. It's been six months of he!!.
But tomorrow is a new day.
This weekend, we have our son's fifth birthday party. And I'm going to be damned happy and present for him during that! He's a special guy and deserves a happy day. I Bought him a killer-cool little bike that he'll love.
At least my wife is still involved in planning for the party and has dedicated some time to it (mostly because she's trying to impress the other parents, I think). Nevertheless, it's an opportunity for us to work together on something for our son, and I'm going to make the best of it.
Sending thoughts of support and sympathy out to everyone else on this forum who's in a similar boat. Chins up! One way or another we'll get through this and come out better on the other side.
