I'm having an amazing time in New Zealand, meeting amazing new people and doing great things however now I'm facing, what is for me a very hard thing.
I've been with my guy since September 2010. We met travelling and saw each other a lot when I was in aus and then my visa ran out and he got granted a second year. We had a good chat and he explained that, due to various factors, he hadn't made the most of his year and that he felt this was a second chance to do the things he had been dreaming of doing. So I went home, and he kept in contact and realised how much he loved me etc. In the meantime I had a great time at home and then decided to come to NZ to do more travelling.
He got offered the chance of sponsorship in Aus and it has been dragging on for months and he has been very stressed as it is what he truly wants. He found out a few weeks ago that it wasn't going to happen and he is gutted. I would have loved him to get sponsorship as I would love to live there but if it isn't to be...
The problem is that he keeps phoning me and running through what he is going to do in the future and none of these plans seem to involve me. The main one now is that after Aus he will spend a year in Canada and a year in America then he will go back to Aus.
Now realistically I know none of that will happen and also that he is bitterly disappointed and doesn't know what his future will hold but it is very hard going on me, and as much as I love him I went through all this turmoil with exh and I don't want to go through limbo and uncertainty again. I probably could if I knew that after May when his Aus visa is up then we'd be together but from his talks that doesn't seem to be the case. I know that in reality after may it is likely that we will be together, but I don't want to be the default option. I want a man that choses me and fights for me, so I thought about saying this to him.
"bf, when we talked in Brisbane last year you explained to me your desire to travel Australia alone this year and I totally got it. When I talk to people about you I am so incredibly proud to be with you and of what you are doing. I also know how stressful everything has been with the sponsorship and I think you have been amazing.
In the past I have been afraid to be honest with you and voice my desires which are that after Australia we would spend time with each other and share experiences together whether that be at home or abroad. But recently when we've been talking it seems clear that your future plans don't involve me and I wanted to let you know that I understand. I understand your desire to travel alone is very important to you and I'm going to step out of your way so that you can do it."
I wondered what people thought of that? That old adage of it someone is yours let them go and if they don't come back then they were never yours to begin with. Also it frees me up on my travels and as much ad I don't want to be free it might be for the best.
I'd appreciate thoughts. Sorry for typos, I'm writing from my iPod. Alternatively I could do nothing and see how things pan out, I know this is an emotional time for him.
I travelled to New Zealand with Josh 3 years ago (and OZ too) and it was amazing!!! How exciting for you!
But I hear what you are saying about BF and I guess it sounds like he is not that into you. (Have you read that book? It's good).
If you gave him his space and he is still noncommittal - it might be better to cut your losses now than to continue in something that is not going anywhere. But only you know where you want to go.
I felt this way about Josh for a while. We were (are) great together but I kept hoping for a ring. Still don't have one but we bought a lovely house together so in a lot of ways - that's more of a commitment (in my mind). So I have given thoughts of a ring up for the most part. After all - what did my first ring mean anyway? My H was gone in a heartbeat.
So - decide how and with whom you see yourself spending your Twilight years and that might give you some answers.
""bf, when we talked in Brisbane last year you explained to me your desire to travel Australia alone this year and I totally got it. When I talk to people about you I am so incredibly proud to be with you and of what you are doing. I also know how stressful everything has been with the sponsorship and I think you have been amazing.
In the past I have been afraid to be honest with you and voice my desires which are that after Australia we would spend time with each other and share experiences together whether that be at home or abroad. But recently when we've been talking it seems clear that your future plans don't involve me and I wanted to let you know that I understand. I understand your desire to travel alone is very important to you and I'm going to step out of your way so that you can do it.""
Well, this sounds a bit passive aggressive and manipulative to me.... How about more sincerity and directness:
"BF. I love you, I'm proud of you, I think you are a wonderful man with beautiful dreams. My dreams are different than yours -- I want to share my life with someone by sharing our adventures through it. It is time for me to start looking for that someone, and as I am a one-man woman, that means ending our romantic R. Who knows, maybe we'll find our dreams circle back to each other someday. Right now it is pretty clear they lead in different directions."
Sorry Julia, I haven't been as good about keeping up lately. The puppy is keeping me pretty busy! lol So what ended up happening? Did you and Joe have the talk? Are you still enjoying your time as a Kiwi? Have you decided how long you will stay this go round?
Big hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thank you for your replys. Ot was right that I wasn't being genuine with what I was saying and I was basically using it as tactic.
It's such a funny time for me as I am away again and spent Christmas away from my family and I was having thoughts of 'what am I doing with my life'. I guess the being 30 thing kicks in occasionally and not being even near to settling down and having babies kicks in. But then I am taking life's opportunities and having a great time and meeting new people and living in new places and having a great time.
I don't know how long I'll be away this time. I am seeing what happens in life, but it is hard to let go of the control sometimes.
I didn't talk to Joe. It wasn't the right time, but I will and I think when I do I'll have a better idea of what I really want to say, when I understand my own feelings a bit more.
