Beatrice, For some reason, I am checking in here tonight after a long absence. I'm so sorry to hear that your H has regressed so much. From where I stand, and from what I know of you, this is his problem, not yours. Something has thrown him off the rails again. He'll figure it out -- or not. Don't waste your time worrying about it. Carry on with the grace and dignity that has watermarked all of your posts. You are an inspiration.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Bea, Your xh stalled along the way and never quite finished. Just remember, you didn't break him...so you can't fix him. God will watch over him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I saw that you were upset the other day. I am sorry, my friend.
Bea, I feel that those of us in this forum face different challenges than in the other ones. Here's why. It is not just that our spouses want to end the marriage, it is that they are in a life crisis.
And because of that, this forum really gives us tools to help us navigate through this and hopefully come out the other side stronger.
I say all this because I know without a doubt that there was nothing I could have said or done that would have made a difference because this is his journey and I simply do not have the power to change the course of someone's crisis.
I also believe that the most loving thing we can do is to get out of the way and let them walk it. And the most important thing we can do is forgive them and even more importantly, forgive ourselves.
Should we figure out what we need to own in terms of any problems in the marriage? Absolutely. Should we change the things we need to change about ourselves? Yes.
But, we cannot and should not take on the burden of their crisis. That is theirs. Along with whatever actions they take.
So, my friend, forgive yourself. You were a good wife, loyal and loving. You have acted with dignity and grace. You have no reason to feel as if you did not do enough. There is nothing you could have done or can do to help him move through this. That is all on him.
Brookie, thank you so much for posting to me, and yes, mostly I do recognise and absolutely believe that I couldn't have done little or nothing to prevent the divorce and help him to return home, and if I am frank, I did most things OK - I didn't cling or cry, I understood fairly early on that there was something very very wrong with him [in spite of his best efforts to convince me that I was the problem, the basket case]
One of the things I have had reinforced in all of this, is that it is OK and actually a good thing to question yourself - something the MLCer does not do. I don't mean continual self doubt, but the willingness to see there could be another way of handling this. I have become much better at interpersonal relationships outside my friendship circle [I think I mostly did the friendship thing well] I respond instead of reacting, and try and understand where the other person is coming from better.
Forgiving yourself fully is quite hard. But again I am coming to see that some matters actually cannot be resolved into a total agreement. People sometimes just have to agree to differ and if they are psychologically normal they leave it at that - but the MLCer insists that you agree with them.
My xh actually said to me at some point two or three years ago that he hoped I was now prepared to take full responsibility for the failure of our marriage. I was so flabbergasted that I can't remember what I replied. Of course I don't hold hm fully responsible for our divorce, but I don't think 'I never should have married you in the first place' constitutes a willingness from him to look at his conduct during the marriage, which as I have said, was for the most part a happy and fulfilling one.
My xh genuinely does not think he has screwed up on any level, except, maybe he should not have tried to force OW1 onto the boys within days of leaving me. He can see he perhaps should have left it a little longer!! Wow
