Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2209361&page=1

New Year, New thread.

I really treasure the fact that I can come here to vent out my fears, crazy thoughts and sadness. I don't like to impose on my friends and family too much anymore... sometimes I feel like a broken record.

I have been so wishy/washy today. I thought it was positive that my H called and said he felt uncomfortable with the chick's advances... but now I am overwhelmed with the idea that he just did that so I would be put at ease (because he knew that my friend would tell me about their conversation) and not bother him with jealous thoughts.... but then again, my H is a horrible lier so I think his guilt would eat at him if he really was going out with this chick.

I'm really worried that he will come back from the vacation ready to continue with paperwork and moving out... things that he hasn't mentioned in over 2 weeks. I hope he won't bring it up, but I have to prepare myself if he does.

I don't want to think/analyze everything he does anymore!! I really want to detach so I don't have to feel this way anymore... but I can't seem to find the strength to do it.

Please have a safe and happy new year celebration!!

[dbmod]

Hi purg--

Have confidence and no fear. Take inventory of your strengths as a partner and a person.

"I don't want to think/analyze everything he does anymore!! I really want to detach so I don't have to feel this way anymore... but I can't seem to find the strength to do it. "

So just do it. I give you 'permission' to be all about you and your children.

Be kind, not cold, but not 'into' him. Be 'into' nurturing yourself.


Happy New Year, New YOU!

[purgatory]

I came across this today on a psychology site, and it stuck with me.

When a person says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," they are saying that I *care* about you but I'm not *excited* about you. Care is reflective of concern, but it's different than love. Being excited about someone is a good thing, but it's also different than love (I could be excited to have a friendship with a celebrity, but I don't love them.) When someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," they seem to be making a distinction between 'different loves' in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is.

Just wanted to share so others may gain a little comfort/understanding about the phrase so many of us have heard.

[BklynMom]

Dont dwell on if he tells you he is moving out or separation papers. Dont let him mention those things to get a rise out of you. If he does mention them I would just be ready to say "I am not prepared to talk about this now can we schedule a time in advance so I can get all my thoughts together"

My H was threatening to move out for a month before he did and I had been begging him to go to MC. He refused. I finally got him to go to MC (they were awful but anyway) with the understanding that it was divorce counsuling.

He spends the entire session telling me & MC he cant be in the house with me anymore he needs to leave. He cant take it. Its over and on and on.

When we get home I tell him just pack your stuff now! - Big mistake. He now refers to this day as the day I kicked him out. I believe that if I had been DBing then he would not have moved out. Show him through you coolness that he can get the space he needs at home.

Whatever he decides to do, move out, separation papers, stay chill around him, then come to this board and let it out.

Have you read Laura Munson's book, "this isnt the season you think it is?" It could bring you comfort right now

[purgatory]

I flew home today to an empty house. It was oddly comforting and sad at the same time. I feel comforted being back in my own environment, but sad that I don't have anyone to share it with.

My H didn't call or text me 'HNY' at all last night, and I didn't initiate either. It made me sad that he didn't think of me when ringing in the new year. I was finally able to get him on the phone about my kids... he said he had a great time hanging out until 5 am with his brother. The whole time I was listening to him tell me about all the people he met- i wanted to ask 'who did you kiss at midnight?' but I never did.

I have spent most of the day trying not to dwell and over-think everything that H says. I'm trying to focus on getting inspired for the New Year. I've decided to create my "12 for 2012".... 12 goals for this year. Some aimed at my R, but most directed for my personal growth.

1. Try a hobby that I've never done before. I've decided that golf will not be too strenuous for my health, but could be fun!
2. Get a job. Already put out some applications
3. Take my kids on a trip, just the 3 of us.
4. Get a diagnosis for my heart/lung condition and take steps towards increasing my life span. This depends on my doctors', but I want to start taking the next steps.
5. Take time for myself every week. I need to remember that *I* am valuable, and I can't take care of my kids if I can't take care of myself.
6. Be proud of myself. I want to accomplish something that I would want to brag about (but would never do)
7. Be able to walk for 3 miles in a row. This will only happen after #4
8. Do something for charity with my kids. I want to stress the importance of giving back.
9. Inspire H to reach out to me. This will be a benchmark for my DB efforts
10. Give my H a hug and a kiss before he gets on the plane for Afghanistan. As of now, I can't imagine that he would let me kiss him, I hope that #9 will happen before he leaves. I want to leave a lasting impression on him when he leaves.
11. Be a source of comfort and happiness for H while he's overseas. I hope that he will find the need to call me and lean on me while he's gone.
12. Find my happiness. Hopefully, #'s1-11 will combine to equal happiness.

[purgatory]

thanks for the book reference, I'll check it out!!

I agree/ it makes sense what you said about 'staying cool' when he wants to talk about moving out and papers.... I hope that I can keep him in the house until he leaves in July. Not just for me, but especially for my kids since he's going to be gone for a little over a year, I know that they need every minute possible with their dad.

[BFloat]

"I flew home today to an empty house. It was oddly comforting and sad at the same time. I feel comforted being back in my own environment, but sad that I don't have anyone to share it with."

i think i know what you mean. i find that when i come home on mondays.. although i am sad because i know my H leaves that night.. i feel comforted being in my own space with my kids. i would prefer for him to be there with us but, not the way he is right now. have to keep reminding myself of that!

as for the getting inspired for 2012.. what a great idea! for myself.. i am trying to get off the self-pity train. wallowing in my own misery is really getting me nowhere!

i am so inspired by how strong you are faced with the challenges you have.

[labug]

Great goals, but move 12 to #1.

[labug]

He now refers to this day as the day I kicked him out.

My H has done the same and that's what he's told his family. It's how they rewrite history to make it our fault, not there's.

[workinghardguy]

they seem to be making a distinction between 'different loves' in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is.

Purgatory... thanks for posting that, it really spoke to me. During one of the major R talks that W and I had she revealed that she isn't even sure she knows what it means to love someone. And now I see her reading "Is It Love or Is It Addiction?" I can see that in her. Among the many pieces in play, this is one at least for my WAS. That she could be in love with me or anyone but wouldn't know it anyway. And this I attribute to the fact that she didn't see love or receive unconditional love in her youth. On the flipside I know that I grew up seeing love as a W (my mom) who stood by her H through hell and back. We later learned it was because of my dad's disease processes that he was the way he was, but at the time she simply dug in and held on. Hence that's what I see love to be... hanging on no matter how bad it gets.

Sorry... don't want to hijack the thread, but just thought the words were spot on and wanted to add my $0.02.