Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (2)

[MAL]

I’m trying to balance the feelings I have for RC (and the desire to keep my options open) with the friendship that we now have. I had 3 decisions to face in church yesterday:
1) Where would I sit in Sunday school class?
2) Where would I sit during church service?
3) Would I leave right after church or have an option to invest in our “new friendship or whatever you call it”?

Decision 1) Where would I sit in Sunday school class?

When I got to our Sunday School class yesterday, RC was already there in his usual seat. He sits at the end of the double tables, leaving one seat to his right. The rest of the seats go around the table. I wasn’t comfortable about where to sit, but not wanting to appear rude or give the wrong impression I had to “wing” it when I walked in. I went to his right side as usual and put my stuff down. Then I went to get coffee. When I came back I still didn’t know what to do, so I took the middle road.

Since all of my stuff fills up the corner of the table, nobody can really sit in that corner spot. So I left my things beside RC and took the corner seat. That way my things were spread out beside him, giving plenty of room for him and his stuff and I didn’t look out of place. I’ve done that before, and it seemed like a good alternative.

Class went well and I didn’t feel too out of place (all things considered).



Decision 2) Where would I sit during church service?

This was probably the easiest part of my day.

The choir meets in our classroom to get the choir robes, so when our class was over, some of the choir members were already out in the hallway waiting. As soon as the door opened, they started drifting in.

As always it took me a little while to pack up my stuff. I didn’t know what RC would do so I just observed him and how he behaved. There was no change in behavior and he was not in a hurry to leave the room.

I got up with all my stuff and walked toward the door (assuming I would find a place in the sanctuary for all my stuff to stay until after the choir finished singing, wherever that may be). RC’s mom walked in right then and asked “Aren’t you singing with us today?” I responded “Yes, I was just going to go put my stuff down in the sanctuary.” RC was turned around facing me, and I am guessing was waiting for me (I am trying not to be naïve). He responded “Here, give your stuff to me. I’ll take it.” So I handed my stuff to him and thanked him.

K, the lady I’ve mentioned before who is also in our class and in the choir pulled me aside and said. “Well apparently he doesn’t mind you sitting beside him during church. Sit with him.” This is the same woman who told me to go back to sitting where I usually do like nothing happened.

Church service went as scheduled. The theme was ironic “placing trust in God and his timing and plan.” Our choir song fell in line with the theme. I didn’t really know the theme until I started listening to the sermon. It hit home BIG TIME!

The children were dismissed to children’s church after we sang, and keeping with the normal routine, we came down out of the choir loft. I decided to go straight to my seat this time, which was beside RC (where all my stuff was). I put my robe on the back of the pew (which is what I do when I bring it to my seat with me). It’s too big on me like many things. I am too short to wear it during the service. I would look like a little kid wearing grown-up clothes that are too long for me and you would never see my hands or feet! Lol

As I mentioned, the sermon was very well timed. At one point, the pastor asked us to pull out the hymnal and look at the song the choir sang. I focused on the singing and didn’t really take time to look at the words. Following his directions, I opened the hymnal, and WHAM!.....the hymnal just flipped to that hymn all on its own, “Trust and Obey.” I looked over at RC and smiled with my eyes really big. He chuckled and said, “Apparently you were supposed to get that message huh?” There are moments like that where we’ve experienced some unique things, so we have a history of sharing little things like that. (Sorry folks, I don’t always believe in coincidences. RC doesn’t either.)

In the middle of the sermon, I did the normal “wiggle” thing where I start to get a little uncomfortable in my seat. My lap is so short (again vertically challenged here, lol) and I can’t hold my Bible on it for long. It drives me nuts. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I naturally slid it to the empty space beside me. As soon as I crossed my legs, and put my hands under my legs (an attempt to get comfortable)……I felt the tap of RC’s hand on my arm.

I hadn’t even realized I was doing the “wiggle thing” again (focusing on the timely sermon), but RC rolled up his coat and pushed it over so I could put it behind my back.

I know it’s pretty funny for an adult woman to need a booster seat, but RC’s coat works just as well! I smiled and chuckled at the thought of the booster seat. I also smiled because I knew that RC had been watching me during the church service. (Knowing the guy you love is looking at you is a nice feeling for any woman to have. Knowing he is watching for that moment that he can do something kind – even better!) I looked over, squeezed his hand, gave him a big smile, mouthed “thank you” and turned back to look at the pastor. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big smile on RC’s face.

For those who didn’t get to read my original posts over on Newcomer’s….this was a topic that RC and I talked during one of our R talks in November. I talked about how sometimes it seemed that intimacy was missing in our R. But I told him how I took some little things for granted and how I realized that some of the little things he does for me are his way of showing intimacy. It’s not always perfect, but it still shouldn’t be overlooked. As an example I talked about the way he sees me wiggling during church and puts his jacket behind my back. During that R talk, RC mentioned how he wanted to give me his jacket that same morning during church, when he saw me wiggling around, but he had loaned it to one of our friends who was cold.

He has the memory of an elephant on most things. He may not be able to remember what he did this morning, and he may not be the best at communication, but when it comes to dates, names, and conversations, he can remember almost every detail. I have no doubt that RC remembers that conversation.

This has probably been the 4th time he has made that gesture since the R talk. To many this may seem small and insignificant, and something a friend would do when you know them very well. However, because of that R talk in November, and because of what I said about paying attention to the little things that he does, I am not going to dismiss it – ever! That is a mistake I made in our R.

And even if there is no future with RC (outside of friendship), it is a good lesson for me in future R’s. Don’t dismiss the small gestures – they add up!

That is probably enough about Decision #2. I’ll talk about Decision #3 in my next post.

[MAL]

Decision 3) Would I leave right after church or have an option to invest in our “new friendship or whatever you call it”?

After church we did the usual lingering and talking in the hallway with folks from church. I asked RC if he had anything fun planned for the day. He said he watched too much football the night before and didn’t do some things at the house he needed to do, and he would probably be working on that. He said he wasn’t sure what his mom was doing. I told him I was thinking about a walk or bike riding. (Maybe with OS. I knew that I needed to talk to OS because he had some college stuff going on, but either way I was hoping to get in some fresh air. And I was not going to share that detail with RC. I am trying my best to be mysterious, although I’m not very good at it.)

He said that his mom was having a tough time because his dad’s birthday was the day before, Saturday. (Just a reminder…he lost his dad last year.) I told RC that I forgot about it and meant to call Saturday and I was sorry about that. He told me that it was okay and thanks for thinking about it. He said that he was okay but his mom was having a tough time with it. I told him that I was thinking about taking her out for another girl’s night sometime in the next couple of weeks, but after she got through a church even that she is coordinating for this coming Friday night.

His mom came up to me and asked if I would play one of the roles in the little skit they were doing for church on Friday night. I said I would and she replied that she needed to copy it out of her book. RC suggested that she use the church copier. It took a few minutes but we got the keys (most things were locked up by then) and got into the room with the copier. She copied my section and then asked RC if he would help with one of the parts too. RC gave her a hard time about it, like he usually does, and gave in. I don’t know if he was planning to come to the event until that moment. She went ahead and copied his piece too.

As a result of that we all ended up walking out together. I knew RC would walk home like always and his mom would get in her car and drive home. We made our way into the parking lot and some other church members came out and were talking to us. One of the men joked and said that RC could probably beat his mom home even though he was walking because she was going to stop and talk some more. She did and we laughed about that some.

I thought RC would start walking home, but instead he asked his mom if she wanted to go out to lunch. They decided on a place. His mom started talking to the other people again, and RC asked me if I wanted to join them for lunch.

Yes, you know I accepted the offer. DUH. (SMILE)

Lunch was nice and full of a lot of conversation, no surprise there since we all love to talk. The holidays were tough on her and RC has mentioned that sometimes she drifts off and their conversation is minimal at times. So I know his mom needed someone besides RC to talk to for a change. It was good for her.

When we got back to the house I went in with the intention of using the restroom, chatting for a moment, and then leaving. But like the other times, that is not how it went. DUH again.

They sat down and asked me to sit for a little while. RC asked if I had seen the Civil War book his sister bought him for Christmas and he went to get it. I absolutely loved the book. Usually when RC talks about Civil War stuff, I get that glazed over look in my eyes. This time I enjoyed it. The book wasn’t too overwhelming. It was broken up into small bit-sized stories with pictures – very interesting. He had a few things he wanted to show me and I truly enjoyed myself. No kidding!!?? Between talking to his mom about some things, her serving a snack/drinks, and looking and talking about that book, a couple hours went by in no time at all. I really enjoyed myself.

He made a comment that it was probably all very boring to me. But I responded that this book was much different than the other stuff and I really liked it. I talked about how I do love history, but I can’t remember all the dates and details. And sometimes it’s overwhelming. His mom and I told him that his ability to remember all of that can be intimidating. There was one point when we were talking when he corrected one of the dates in the book (I confirmed it too, he was right about the typo). He is pretty intelligent – I won’t even try to compete with that.

His mom left to go up to the church and I started to say my goodbyes. Then RC did that thing that appears to be a delay tactic. I stood up and then instead of acknowledging I was leaving, he remembered that the cat hadn’t been let in for a little while. He let the cat in and fed him. Then we played with the cat and talked about him for a little while.

Twenty minutes later, I tried to leave again. I said that it was getting late and I know RC hadn’t had dinner yet. I said that I know he doesn’t like to eat late (watching his weight) and I have already taken up too much of his day. I knew he had planned other stuff. After all, I thought I was going for a walk or a bike ride. And I told him that I never intended to hang out there all day – my how time flies. Then RC said “I haven’t even checked the football scores today.” He walked into the family room and turned on the TV, and then he sat down.

So again I followed his lead. I went into the family room, but never sat down. We watched the last few minutes of the Denver/Pittsburg game, which went into overtime. Then we saw the awesome pass from Tebow that won the game. It was awesome! (I do like to watch sports but don’t get to do it much. Note to self: If a guy likes sports, spend time enjoying it with him more often, since I like it too. Hint: RC loves sports.)

His mom came back right after that, and I tried again to say goodbye and leave. I told them that I should have known better than to come inside after lunch, and I joked that it’s like I get sucked in and I’m being held hostage. He said that it is like a giant vortex. We all laughed.

I told his mom that we’d schedule a girl’s night soon and she said she’d like that (I love that woman.). I also said that we still need to get together with my two sons to exchange Christmas gifts. They all bought gifts for each other - like I said, friends, which hasn't changed yet. I gave her a hug in the kitchen and RC walked me to the door (it was 8:20 by that time). I hugged RC and started to walk out the door, assuming he’d just stay inside like he has been. But this time he walked out on the porch and stood there talking to me for another 20 minutes. And again, I let him take the lead. (I will learn how to manage this better eventually.)

Out of the blue RC said that he would be working out with his friend P on Monday night, and then he’d be at the Rec Center Tuesday. He said that we could lift weights together. (I remember thinking that I am glad he feels comfortable with me.) He mentioned some exercises I could do for my inner thighs (an area that I mentioned earlier as being one of my current focus areas). He tried to describe the exercises to me, but I wasn’t catching on. Then he gestured with his hand and said “Come here.” And he led me back inside the house so he could show me on the floor. I walked in and called into his mom in the kitchen….”I’m B-A-C-K! I swear it really is a giant vortex!” We all laughed. RC showed me the exercises and I said goodbye again right after (he gave me a long and hard hug that time).

I sent the usual text letting him know I got home okay and said have a good night. He responded “you too.”

I know I didn’t pursue RC yesterday. But I also didn’t put any distance between us. I had a great time and I have no doubt that he enjoyed it too. We are rebuilding some trust, which is a good thing.

There were a few times I caught myself thinking about whether or not we would be able to be friends like this if we were in real relationships with other people. I don’t think so. We might spend time together, but not the entire day.

I am smart enough to know I should not have any expectations and I know to keep moving forward. At the same time, yesterday was probably a good example of leaving my options open and building a place where we both feel safe.

I know I can’t always do that though. Next time (assuming there is a next time); I need to decide if I will decline lunch (if I have the courage to do that). Or maybe I need to make sure I have other plans so that when I do decline it won’t be a “white lie.”

And the onward journey continues…..

[kml]

Mal - I think you handled things just fine

[MAL]

Thanks Ellie. I've been doing this GAL thing and haven't been here as much. Good thing I know.

The situation with RC is the same. We see each other 2-3 times a week, including church. He lingers at times. We exchange texts. Etc, etc, etc....

Some things I am doing differently.... GAL - I said that already huh? lol

I was thinking about the DB days, way, way, way back when I would have given anything for time with my ex. Funny how the mind drifts back to things like that. Eventually I got tired of breadcrumbs (like we all did) and I found me again. It took time, but I got there. We all did - in our own way.

I realized today that I can look at this in any way I choose. I can focus on the past and the R we lost. Or I can focus on today and the R we have.

It's all up to me.

I am fortunate that I have the opportunity to spend time with RC 2-3 times a week. I know that friendship is where any rekindling would have to start.

At the same time, seeing him makes moving on harder for me. The balancing act of being friends, leaving the door open, and moving on all at the same time..…it can be tough and draining on me. Nothing new there.

At least I'm not stuck - like you suggested Ellie!

It can be hard to keep myself from over-analyzing our contact. I try to remember that we are friends, he knows how I feel, and until his friend J is out of the picture, or until I hear the words out of RC’s mouth…I need to assume it is only a friendship.

Another thing that is different now....

I am trying to limit me initiating contact with RC. I usually text him once a week about something lighthearted and friendly, such as letting him guess lyrics to a song. Like I've said, he likes old Civil War songs so sometimes it’s fun to see if he can guess them. Other times I text songs that I know he knows, or I pick an old hymn and see if he knows it.

That usually opens us up to other friendly chat that goes on for 2-4 hours. This trust and friendliness is important if (BIG IF) we ever have a chance of working things out. Or IF we are going to keep the friendship alive.

The last text initiated by me was last Wednesday. Since then, I have seen him 3 times for various reasons, but I haven’t initiated any texts messages to him. I’m trying the moving on “mysterious” thing.

Since that last text, he has initiated contact 4 times. I just realized that this afternoon when he texted me.

Like I usually do, I responded. Light-hearted, talking about what is going on in life, etc…

Again, I don’t want to analyze it, but I do think it shows that I don’t have to be the one to keep this friendship (or whatever it is) alive.

RC is working at it too.

I like that.

[kml]

Wassup?