Journaling: This morning the W came over for the usual change over. I don't want to read into anything but I thought there was some good that came out of our talk. I asked about her night at work as usual, she then started to complain about her Parents house. She is planning on moving into half a double that is next door to her parents (her parents own both sides). She complained how dirty and disgusting the one side is that she is trying to move into. There was trash bags filled with old food, dog fur shavings on the carpet, trash everywhere. She said her mom and sisters just throw trash bags of stuff in their daily even as was cleaning. She said their are rats living under the porch. I told her that the rats may be living inside that part of the house too with the food being around. Then she started to complain about her parents house, how the bathroom curtain had black mildew covering it, and how her mom leaves food out for 8 hours then puts it in the fridge. She said she is afraid to eat there. She also complained about some other stuff, I just acted shocked and tried to hide my smile. (Grass is not always greener). She said it would take a while for her to get that place cleaned. She then started talking about her sister and her sister's ex-husband how they were still battling over their divorce (I was thinking oh crap). She was saying how much her sister's XH was a jerk and couldn't believe someone could act like that. We had a pretty good conversation (she did not feel like her cold self), right up to me having to leave. I told her I had to go, SHE said "Have a nice day" (couldn't believe she said it first), I said thanks, enjoy your day off. I got home, she was still there. She said she didn't want to take S over to her parents house and she would not make him suffer because of her suffering (not sure of her exact wording on that). We talked a little more, she got a car loan and was happy to be able to trade her car in (get out of my loan). She said she would get her own insurance (off of my insurance) I offered her that if she couldn't get cheap insurance she could stay on mine, then she asked to borrow a few dollars for cigarettes. That was pretty much the day. I am glad she got her car loan, yes it means she is breaking out of dependence of me, but her confidence will go up as well.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Oh forgot to mention, she actually sat on the couch (on far side from me) with me this morning. First time she did that, she usually stands up, sits on floor or sits on stool at kitchen counter when we talk in morning. Yes its not right next to me, but its is closer.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Glad you had a good day with your wife. I bet you were excited when you got home and she was still there! Just be careful about the insurance stuff. It's your call, and others here may say differently so don't go off only what I say, but don't let her mooch off of you. If she's broke and can't afford car insurance, well that's part of leaving. Same with the cigarettes.
You are doing great and a big change from just a few days ago! Keep it up!
This morning W showed up to house earlier than usual, due to snow. I was hoping it would give us a little more time together. She had her counseling last night, I asked her how it went, she said it went well. Then I asked if she was going to go again and she said yes. I didn't want to pry at all into what they discussed, and couldn't get a read on her expressions either so I left it at that. She said she was feeling really tired, so she was headed to bed. I remembered she had to cancel one of her subscriptions off my bank account so went into bedroom to remind her to do so. We then ended up talking some more there. I don't know how I resisted lying down in bed next to her. I am really head over heals in love with her, its terrible that it took her leaving for the fire inside to start burning again. We had another pretty good talk, I ended conversation with "well I'll let you get some sleep, have a great day!" She said you too. My 2 goals right now are no longer offering her anything (no money, no help of any kind, let her see how hard life is without me bailing her out from now on) and becoming best friends with her. I figure on the road to becoming best friends, she can see me as someone she would like to date and maybe we can start over with just dating and build from there. I will not initiate any of that until sometime in mid January (if I even initiate it then).
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
I am really head over heals in love with her, its terrible that it took her leaving for the fire inside to start burning again.
It took the exact same thing for me. Even though my W had left once already and come back I never thought she'd do it again. But, think about it this way, if her leaving set off those fires again in your heart, maybe it will do the same for her if you start to pull back and she begins to wonder whether you still are in love with her. Maybe you can use that as some motivation. You're living proof that the further someone pulls away from their spouse, the more the spouse longs to be with that person. Keep up the good work CO1978 and congratulations on another day without drinking!
W called me last night, she wanted to know if I was off work today (I know I told her 100 times I was), she kept it short and to the point of that, I asked if she happened to make a doctor appointment for S. After we discussed that, I made sure I ended conversation before she could. Today I decided to do my best of getting W out of my mind. I changed my FB profile picture from one of the 2 of us to one of me with S. Also since she changed her relationship status to separated, my relationship status married to: W was no longer linked to her profile, so I just deleted my relationship status. I changed my computer desktop wallpaper and iphone wallpapers from pictures of her to blank. I figure the constant reminders of seeing her pictures aren't doing me any good. I will keep wearing my wedding ring though, I like having that as a reminder of why not to drink. I also did some cleaning in the kitchen and packed up some stuff that I will let her take with her (although she did take enough already). Thanks Edgar (Congrats to you too for staying on the wagon), yesterday was a hard day, was really craving a beer as I am on a 4 day weekend and all the guys at work where talking about going out to a bar after work. I have to admit the people on this board are great and very supportive when it comes to quitting drinking, I have to thank you all. This being a 4 day weekend I will have S the whole time. I know she is off Monday, so I'm wondering how this is going to pan out. If she is going to want to see him (I know I can't make it 2 days without seeing S), or if she will take the opportunity to go party like a rock star. I don't think her partying upsets me as much as her not spending enough time with S. This morning when he woke up first thing he said is "Where's mommy?" Then yesterday I asked him if he had a fun time with mommy while I was at work he said, "No, mommy didn't want to play." As if losing her wasn't heartbreaking enough.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Hey CO1978, unfortunately our situations seem very similar. From reading your posts it sounds like there is a big part of your wife that still wants your marriage to work. Just the fact that she is willing to go to marriage counseling seems like a great sign to me.
It really stinks that it took both of us losing everything to open our eyes, but now that we are aware hopefully we will not make the same mistakes in the future and our spouses will begin to see the good in us again.
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
I have a question. My W now has her own bank account. Last week she was going to give me my debit card and credit card back, me wanting to be the supportive H, said no, hold on to them just in case you need them (I thought maybe doing that was a 180). Now I am not going to offer her anymore help, because I want her to see what the world is like without me (my income, and my "controlling" ways on our money)Is it too late to ask for those back without any backlash? She has been using them here and there for lunch at work, cigarettes, ect. It is also convenient for her to use for gas to drop S off here. Where do I draw the line. Do I let her keep them, maybe every time she uses them she thinks, hmm..."I still do need him, I am glad he still lets me use these" or if I take them back and she needs money, "hmm...I still do need him, but that jerk took his bank cars back." As I said before me being "controlling" with the money was one of the major reasons for her leaving.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
I have a question. My W now has her own bank account. Last week she was going to give me my debit card and credit card back, me wanting to be the supportive H, said no, hold on to them just in case you need them (I thought maybe doing that was a 180). Now I am not going to offer her anymore help, because I want her to see what the world is like without me (my income, and my "controlling" ways on our money)Is it too late to ask for those back without any backlash? She has been using them here and there for lunch at work, cigarettes, ect. It is also convenient for her to use for gas to drop S off here. Where do I draw the line. Do I let her keep them, maybe every time she uses them she thinks, hmm..."I still do need him, I am glad he still lets me use these" or if I take them back and she needs money, "hmm...I still do need him, but that jerk took his bank cars back." As I said before me being "controlling" with the money was one of the major reasons for her leaving.
CO, don't you remember? you lost your bank card at that superfun place the other night. You'd better call the bank and have the old ones cancelled. Oh yeah, don't forget to tell your W that the one she has no longer works.
