Brand new..

[learning2listen]

Not sure if this is the right thread to post on but here goes..I have been married for 11 years, 2 children (one from previous marriage) My H said he wanted d two months ago and we separated. He has said this in the past but never left. He texts me that the relationship is over, and I will survive, he has made his decision and will live with it, but then says he is not mentally right, right now, says he is in a dark place. says he was miserable, unhappy and sad. We have had financial issues for the last few years which he is not used to. When we talk on the phone he says he is not ready to call it quits and doesnt want to make a rash decision. I really dont know where to start. at first i begged and he just was cruel via text message, but face to face he was more optimistic. now I dont contact him unless to do with visitation of our d. He is also Step dad to my oldest which he seems lost as to what to do there. I am so confused, i do not want a d, I didnt know this in the beigining but I know I want to work this out.

[imthemom]

Hi L2L
sorry for your situation...I am new also but have already gotten lots of great advice and support. When everyone else is sick of hearing it you can always come here and find someone to talk to that is in the same situation. My H wants a D also and he is also step dad to my 2 oldest. its really hard on them all
good luck and if you want you can read my older post, it will tell you my pathetic story
Hang in there

[learning2listen]

thanks for the reply.. I am actually sick of my own voice these days, My H says he is trying to work on himself right now, he hasnt used the words "depressed" but has acknowledged he is not "right mentally" we have been separated now for 2 months and have barely spoke of what we are going to do, he says he doesnt know and hasnt really thought about it. however in text messages he says our relationship ending and things at work have left him angry. His moods seem to change on a dime, and I am not even sure i am talking to the same man I have been married to. My friends all think we just need time, we are good for each other and we did have alot of wonderful memories but I am finding myself with negative thoughts more now then ever, and if it is over i just want the pain to end. He is still wearing his wedding ring and I know all he is doing is working and sleeping, he says the only thing that matters to him right now is our daughter and that is all that keeps him calm, with her he can forget about the rest of the world. I have been divorced before and it was nothing like this, there was another women in that divorce and we filed right away. though the pain of it was comparable, I feel like I need to fight for my marriage and my husband this time. My H has never been through a divorce, I really believe him when he says there is not another women, and that this is more like a break down. i am so lost as to what to do.
Me 40 H 43
m 11yrs
s 08/13/2011
d 8 d 16 (mine from prev marriage)

[imthemom]

It does sound like u have more of a chance to use the advice in DB book...do it!!.. i wish i had and not wasted so much time trying to get my H to come back. I just pushed him farther away...no contact is the best thing...as hard as it is...stay strong!!

[learning2listen]

he has said I am only pushing him further away when i ask questions like "how am I suppose to feel?" When I dont call or text he seems to be more receptive but i cant help but think he just doesnt want to hurt me anymore than he already has. I know he loves our daughter (daughters) but i dont know if he loves me, I cant help but wonder how he is not thinking about us and our marriage. It truly consumes my every thought!

[imthemom]

Im right there with ya, every waking hour!!..which is alot right now cus im not sleeping...and its hard to imagine that they have just wiped us from there minds, i know. My H acts like he could care less if Im dead or alive at times...
Really read that books and use the advice of no contact. the more contact right now the worse it is...it sounds like you still have a chance to make him realize what he has. Im haveing to start all over from the last month and am in my 2nd day of no contact and its killing me...who knew a day could last so long???? good grief!! I also have been divorced before and agree with you, it was nothing like this....all you can do is hope they come to there senses and work on making yourself happy..spend time with your friends and do things that youve always wanted to do...it will make u feel amazing!!..
have a good night

[learning2listen]

i am going to go buy the book.. I know that I am seeming desparate to him, he wants a strong women, that is what I was until my career took a huge financial change. There are many that think he was with me only for the money, and now that there is none and no security and he is needing to be more involved financially, he walks away? I should just be mad as heck but I am not, I am not angry at all...which I dont get? I have many things to be angry about and he is angry but I sit here wallowing in the memories of him, worrying he is moving on without me, worrying he is already interested in someone else.. etc...I know there is no magic button to get him back, its his choice, he will do what he wants, regardless of how I feel. but I worry if I dont remind him that I am here, then he will forget about us... I am sure this is normal, but it is new to me...I feel like 2 months is so long, shouldnt we have at least talked about us? Is this normal? I am not someone who believes in separation, but if it means I can hold on to some hope then I wil do it.

Me 40 H 43
m 11yrs
s 08/13/2011
d 8 d 16 (mine from prev marriage

[Rick1963]

These are 37 rules created by Sandi2. start her, secondly it's best to post in newcomers forum. Hang in there we are here for you and understand exactly what you are going through. Hugs

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned change

[learning2listen]

out of curiousity.. is 2 months too long to even start this process?

[imthemom]

yes, i started in the newcomers forum and have goten lots of feedback...i would repost there so they can see your story.
You sound so much like me..:) im also sitting around worrying that he will just forget about us...I feel your pain. Its very lonely and isolating..but dont let that happen. since Ive found the forum ive felt alot better, i can vent here and not have to text or call him every 5 minutes to talk about us..he doesnt want to hear it and it just makes it worse.
use this place to get it out and give yourself some time..it really does help
and no, i dont think 2 months is to long...