Never thought I would be sharing my life with so many people but here goes...My wife and I have been married for 32 years and nearly the whole time I have lived in a sex starved marriage. We have two grown sons 30 and 26. One is married with our first grandchild on the way. I am 58 and my wife is 59. We have had a great family life with 2 well rounded and educated sons, I have been the primary breadwinner, my wife no longer works, we both have mutual respect for one another and have shared equally in raising our sons and taking care of our house and all other domestic chores over the 32 years. We don’t fight or argue, we have a great circle of friends, we are very secure financially and enjoy a lot of the fruits of our labor. We live on the beach in our future retirement home and I am set to retire in 4 years. As I said, our sex life has been nearly non-existent for 25+ years. I found myself fantasizing about other women over the years, even some close friends, but never acted on the urges until 5 years ago. A co-worker 12 years younger and I began an affair. It was a textbook affair. It began as friends and innocent conversation and grew into an emotional attraction over a longer period of time before it became sexual. My wife knew I was spending lots of work related time with this woman and even mentioned once "where are you and your girlfriend going for dinner" while we were on a business trip together. The affair has been ongoing for the last 5 years. I disclosed it to my wife 5 years ago at the outset thinking we could work things out with the help of a traditional marriage counselor but to no avail. Nothing changed. My wife has had some type of hang up/phobia about sex ever since we were married. I thought things would eventually change, but they never did. I stayed in the marriage to keep the family together and put on a "happy face" for so many years. The excitement and the intense sexual experience of the affair and the emotional attachment to the OW has scared me into thinking I must do something...NOW. With a grandchild on the way and future retirement on the horizon I felt I must make one last effort to salvage my marriage. I am not naive enough to think that great sex is the only answer, I realize the OW comes with other baggage that could change our current relationship dramatically for the worse. As I researched on line, I found Marriage Builders which we have just had our first session with. However, I recently discovered Michele's book, Sex Starved Marriage and have read half of it...which led me to this website. My question and dilemma is...If the underlying problems are sex related issues with my wife, do we need the services of a marriage coach or a sex therapist or can they be one in the same? Is Marriage Builders a place we can get the help we need? Are there better resources available. Please help me; I'm confused and do not want to waste any more time or money.
Yes , wife is very committed to saving marriage. Even though we are both over 55, I don't think the sex aversion problems are hormonal related. She has been turned off, no desire for sex or intimacy since we were married as I posted. During counseling she revealed she had no desire or need for sex. She rated it at the bottom of all other emotional needs. Saw a post from someone else that mentioned asexual. I checked out the asexual.org website. Many of the key facts that were listed about asexuals were the same attitudes exhibited by my wife for over 25 yrs. Is it simply a low desire or possibly asexuality? Anyone else have any thoughts on this subject?
Yes , wife is very committed to saving marriage. Even though we are both over 55, I don't think the sex aversion problems are hormonal related.
Well hormones control sex, desire functions.
You did not indicate whether you had been to any medical doctors.
I understand that she has no desire but if she is committed to maintaining this marriage, I would guess that the two of you need to meet each others needs.
Are you willing to not have your needs met?
I would not endorse going outside the marriage which is what you have done, it seems that you are headed down a path that is destined for disaster.
Is your wife OK for you to be going elsewhere to meet your needs?
It seems to me that someone is going to have to change or compromise or you will not remain married.
Thanks for the reply...when I said I did not think hormones were the issue, it was because her lack of desire and interest in sex has been a problem since we were first married, but no, we have not been to a doctor. We are in counseling now and have been discussing each others needs and how we meet them or not. It seems that her top 5 needs are almost opposite of my top 5 and she has indicated that I am meeting her needs while she is only meeting 2 of my top 5 needs. I did go outside the marriage for sex but that has ended which led me to counseling Hoping to find a way for both of us to have our needs met. No she is not ok with need for affection and sex to be met outside the marriage but she says she doesn't know why she feels the way she does. She says the whole idea of sex makes her very uncomfortable. She also stated that she finds it hard to be affectionate because she fears it will just lead to sex. Seems like we are in a catch-22 situation. Are there success stories for sexual aversion that has lasted 20+ years? We are both willing to work and make compromises, but it seems she will have to address some of her fears and anxieties about sex before we can meet each other halfway. Thoughts?
It's my understanding that qualifited sex therapists have also had training in marital counseling and some amount of psychotherapy. The trick, of course, is finding one who best suits you. I suggest going for an initial interview with more than one and ask questions. I think some of them will give you a free first session to help you make that determination.
Remember that web sites, especially like Marriage Builders, have a very specific philosophy and solution approach. It apparently works for many of the people who choose the site, but that's no guarantee it's the best approach for you.
It might be that your wife simply has little or no desire for sex, and nothing will ever change that. Or it might be that your wife has never learned out to take pleasure in sex. Or that she can't relax enough to enjoy it. Or that she has misconceptions about it. No one on this board can answer those questions for you.
It is possible that a good sex therapist could help you. But that will only work if your wife is motivated to go and to be an enthusiastic parctipant.
HDhusband, I have had those same thoughts and I do believe any one or more of these issues may be at the root cause of our problem. Appreciate the reply, confirms what I was thinking. We are seeing a counselor now and will hopefully addressing these areas. Thanks
