I have ruined everything. My wife just filed for divorce. She has no interest in reconciling and says she is not in love with me anymore. She is a beautiful, brilliant, a great mom and stood by me for 16 years. We have three children; boys 13 and 11 and a girl 8. I cannot blame her for anything; I blame myself totally. I have been severely depressed for a long time and have not been a good husband. There was no abuse but my love waxed and waned and i was grumpy. While working on the other side of the country for the past 9 months I had an affair which she discovered. I immediately started counseling and have been discovering things and making progress in getting better. I have apologized every single day since she told me our marriage was over. I tell her that I will do everything possible to fix myself, our marriage and make her safe, secure, loved and happy. She won't engage in discussion and has said she will not trust me for 1000 years. I am trying to give her space and be strong for my children. I will die trying to fix things but i am lost and have sunk into a deeper depression.
Hi there. Hugs to you, you are trying so hard to repair the damage.
You cannot MAKE her do or think anything. You cannot TELL her anything she'll believe.
If you read more on these forums you'll find everyone telling you work on what needs changing in yourself, and work on getting a life (GAL) on your own. It takes consistent change plus lots of time.
I've only been on here about a month, but I've seen lots of advice that is good here. Good luck and keep working on yourself. Take care, A.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sorry you're here. It is a very tough situation. It is sad that it takes such an extreme situation to open our eyes. I know it did for me to open mine.
This will be very difficult but the first thing you need to realize is that self pity and clinging or begging your wife is not attractive. Think back to what you were when you know you were attractive to her. Be that man again.
Give her space if she needs it. Don't smother her as it will push her away. I speak from recent experience.
It can be done. I am doing it but it took a while. Don't respond to things too quickly as emotions will cloud your judgment.
I don't have the DB books anymore. Never thought I'd need them again ... but I think I remember something about grabbing hold of your boot straps. You've got to let go of what happened in the past and start focusing on getting your self together.
If you've already apologized then continuing to do so another 100 times wont help. She'll just feel like you're trying to "force" her to accept. Wont work.
Worst day of my life on Saturday. Told our children. Oldest boy ran away and begged for us to try. Two youngest in shock. Told neighbours and schools today. How could I be so stupid and throw everything away? I want to be there for my children and wife but its tearing me up inside.
Hi everyone, trying to be strong for the kids and less pathetic to my ex but I am still in shock. She is hopeful I turn my depression around and find happiness for myself and our children. She says she will never be in love with me again and just doesn't have those feelings anymore. She does say that we may be better friends at the end of the day and that I should be content with that. She says that she knows she has tried everything to make our marriage work but realizes that she is now "done". From my perspective, I know I have so much more to give, to try and improve and to be better for her, us and our family. I am terrified it is too late. Can DB'ing really work if only one person is trying, at least in the beginning?
I really dislike your user name. Not really, because I originally was gonna pick one similar. Reason being that a few months ago I felt just like you do at the moment. After hearing all that I did or didn't do I felt like an arse. It has to take 2, doesn't it? I refuse to believe that it is 100% the LBS's fault for a failed marriage. Doesn't really matter though, because we're not the ones who choose to 'throw in the towel'. So, I guess it's a non issue what the WAS has done. I guess I just want you to ease up on yourself about taking all of the blame.
Me:38 W:35 T:13 M:10 (3/15/01) SD:12 D:9 S:4 Need time to think: 7/19/11 D Bomb Dropped: 8/26/11 W serves me D papers: 9/6/11 Officially served 9/30/11
hi guys, thanks for your comments. Today is a tough day; thinking about all the mistakes and bad decisions I have made and what I could have done differently but most importantly I am very sad about missing and being away from my children. Hard to think about anything else, especially 180s. I keep blaming and prosecuting myself and thinking that I deserve to feel as bad and sad as I can cause myself to feel; self-inflicted punishment. I am trying CBT, exercise, GAL, etc but get pulled into the darkness when its just me and my thoughts.
