Been DB for over a year and H has decided he wants to "go it alone" and proceed with a D. He moved out a year ago and in our state needed to wait a year before he is able to serve me with papers. Over the last year I gave him all the space he needed, didn't have contact unless he inititated, never talked about the R, was upbeat when I did see him. I did the best I could, but I guess he made his decision long ago and doesn't want to look back.
Now he wants to get together to talk about the divorce process, division of assets, etc. For those that have unfortunately gotten to this point, what is the best way to handle this? I have told him that I do not want a divorce, but what choice do I have but to sign the papers at this point? Any thoughts would be welcome.
Hello LWTG, Sorry you are here, that is a good question, I would also like to hear some feedback on this. It is 6 months here in Jersey. How has your year been, are you able to cope with your sitch better than one year ago? Hang in there!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny I'm in NJ and only separated for about 3 months, but living in the same house. The L did not say anything about 6 months. He didn't even talked about that. In fact he already sent the paperwork to the courts??? WTH????
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
It's been a long year, but I'm doing OK. I didn't think I would make it 3 months, let alone a whole year so I should be proud of myself. My heart is broken and I feel like it is such a waste to end our marriage. I've struggled a lot with the "why" question. I finally got him to give me an answer when he told me he was filing...
Me: Why are you choosing to end our marriage? H: I want to be able to grow as a person and I feel like I can't do that while in the marriage. Me: Why do you feel that you can't grow within our marriage? H: I don't think anyone can really grow as a person while in a relationship unless it is a very special relationship.
He also went on to say that we could make the marriage work, but he feels like he has to choose between the marriage and himself and he is choosing himself.
Oh and one more...he was unhappy too long in the marriage and is too happy with where his life is going now to try to work things out.
How many more ways can he say that he doesn't want me anymore. I guess I'm finally getting it and it feels horrible.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
I've spent the last year hoping time was on my side and he would reconsider his decision to end our marriage, but now the time is up and I need to figure out what I should do next. My choices:
1) Sign the papers and split everything equally--house and savings (most likely his choice).
2) Sign the papers but ask for pretty much everything--he signs the house over to me, I keep the savings--since a divorce is not what I want.
3) Don't sign the papers. In my state I can choose to not sign the papers and he would have to wait another year before the marriage can be legally dissolved. After that year, I have no choice but to get divorced.
He wants a do-it-yourself divorce since he believes we should be able to end things cordially and we have very simple finances. I did consult with a lawyer to find out the laws in my state.
I hate even having to think about this.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
Having gone all-of-the-way. I understand how you are feeling. It took 2 years to get from the first bomb to the final papers. You should do what you are ready for. 1, 2, or 3. But I can tell you that the bottom is at the signing. If you can stomach another year of fighting, and want to, then don't sign. If you've had enough, let go. It does get better. You could well be looking back 5 years from now wondering why you fought this long. I can promise you it will get easier. Much easier.
There are alot of us that haven't not been in this process a year so it's easy for us to project our fighting spirit on you.
So questions for you mostly.
1. You mentioned that in the past year you've been OK and that you've been holding out hope. Do you feel holding onto hope has been holding you back? Do you think it keeps you in the state of just being ok?
2. Your H says he wants a divorce but you don't want to. Other than stating that, what do you feel the benefits are of option 3? How does waiting benefit you?
3. Why would option 2.. be an option? Just because you don't want the divorce (which I'm totally with ya on it) doesn't mean you take H for everything? Is that your hurt or anger talking?
What would the D process look like? Do you think it would be "amicable"? Do you think show the new LWTG?
Sorry for the questions, just trying to get more info on where you are at.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks for the questions, it helps me sort through some stuff.
1. I don't think holding onto hope has been holding me back. The sadness, loss and loneliness are holding me back. I am seeing an IC to work through a lot of this, but the grieving process for me is very slow. I'm taking small steps to move forward and am proud of those steps. But sometimes I wonder if I had moved forward more this last year I would have seen better results with the DB.
2. Option 3--not signing the papers--would just buy more time. But honestly, the chances of that helping are very slim. I think he is so focused on his path, more time wouldn't make a difference. I am just considering it as an option because I don't like feeling like I am giving up by signing the papers.
3. Option 2--asking for most of our assets. I guess I am just thinking of myself and what I need to rebuild my life. He chose to start a new life without me. I am being forced to start a new life. (Please know I am not talking about large sums of money here. We both make very modest livings, live in a modest house and have a small savings for emergencies). I have lost a lot through this "journey" he has chosen to take and I just don't think it is fair to split everything in half.
Yes, the divorce process could be amicable. People tell me I am too nice to him as it is.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
1. I don't think holding onto hope has been holding me back. The sadness, loss and loneliness are holding me back. I am seeing an IC to work through a lot of this, but the grieving process for me is very slow. I'm taking small steps to move forward and am proud of those steps. But sometimes I wonder if I had moved forward more this last year I would have seen better results with the DB. So how do you move forward now? For what it's worth, DBing didn't really do a ton towards saving my m.. but it sure has done alot for ME. Can you take the blinders off and see that this is all isn't about your m? It's about YOU and how you want to live your life.
2. Option 3--not signing the papers--would just buy more time. But honestly, the chances of that helping are very slim. I think he is so focused on his path, more time wouldn't make a difference. I am just considering it as an option because I don't like feeling like I am giving up by signing the papers.
How about looking at it this way.. By signing the papers.. you aren't giving up on your m. You are just accepting what is real. I know that is soo hard to see.. but you have to. You need to in order to more forward.
Some m aren't over even though the papers are signed. This is not to give you false hope but don't let a piece of paper define you, your m. You did not fail your m, you did not give up. Start believing that.
3. Option 2--asking for most of our assets. I guess I am just thinking of myself and what I need to rebuild my life. He chose to start a new life without me. I am being forced to start a new life. (Please know I am not talking about large sums of money here. We both make very modest livings, live in a modest house and have a small savings for emergencies). I have lost a lot through this "journey" he has chosen to take and I just don't think it is fair to split everything in half.
Yes you have lost alot and it hurts like he!!... HOWEVER you are letting this feeling of hurt and rejection justify you're reasoning for ^^^^^^.
He hurt you, he ended your marriage.. I get it.. but at one point he cared about your life together. He invested time, money, emotions into it.
He deserves what he invested into. That is only fair.
Now if he is leaving you homeless.. that is something else. But I encourage to really see if you are asking for more because you are experiencing true "hardships" or if you are focusing on the emotions cause by the hardships. Does that make sense?
I'm not trying to bust your chops LWTG. I think you are still in a ton of pain. My heart goes out for you.. but only you can get yourself through this. We will help along the way as best we can.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
