I am a fighter. Fall seven times, get up eight. When I was divorced, all those years ago, I found myself in a battle for the two thing that meant most to me in the world, my children. Lost that battle to PAS. No matter what your spouse does, never take it to your children, never! I was beaten down by a prejudice system so many times I stopped feeling it. Never gave up until the day I realized the things I was fighting for had become the things I was fighting with.
I feel that way now. But every time I convince myself to move forward, there is an IM or an email. Probably just guilt eking it's way out. I would prefer a sudden death than an eternal hope for something that does not exist.
You asked for my thoughts on your sitch on COG's thread. Unfortunately this is totally uncharted territory to me. Virtually all my energy has been spent on WAW where W is telling you she wants to leave for her own reasons.
In your sitch, your GF truly seems to WANT to be with you in the worst way, but her family is outright preventing it through in your words verbal abuse and in my words manipulation. That is brutal!
I wish I could give you some guidance here. GF clearly feels trapped by her parents and has decided to bow to their wishes, although clearly fought the good fight for a long time...
About the only thing that I can think of would be to make the trip to visit GF's parents by yourself and plead your case / try to reason with them. Study up on the culture and try to determine if there is a gesture or sentiment you can express that will make a difference. Determine what is driving their fears / prejudice, and see if you can get to the root to alter how they feel about you as an individual versus just a representative of your culture in the abstract.
Unfortunately I don't really see another way, and the suggestion above is expensive, time consuming, and probably doesn't have a very high probability of success depending upon the parents.
Two things though -- (1) the parents will certainly respect you for making the trip and *may* begin to understand the depth of your feelings for their daughter, and (2) if you go to this length, you will not look back thinking "if only I had done..." -- i.e. it will give you peace of mind that you tried *everything* you could and nothing worked.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful on this one
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Love is atrip, Accuray is onto something. I remember seing a documentary of a American GI wanting to marry a Korean woman. Her parents were not happy but he met with them spent time with them and learned their culture. I wished I remember the name of it. If I remember correctly, the finally accepted him. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Your advice here is an asset to all. Unfortunately, I would never know how to find them. Not to mention they don't speak a lick of English. My Mandarin's not all 'that' either :-(
I don't think there's any hope on that end. So I need to focus on what I can do. On that note, she contacts me every day. I can tell she's struggling. I gave up trying to convince her to change her mind and instead suggested she talk to someone to sort things out. Therapy... I'm hoping if I back off and they continue to apply pressure, maybe she'll start leaning my direction.
If she contacts you everyday why don't you ask her if meeting her family would be a good idea? I'm sure you could hire an interpreter at a reasonable price. And If you visited them a couple of times they may feel comfortable with you. All is not lost.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
She contacts me every day, but her hopeless state of mind has not altered. I need to find a way to get her to believe again. Then we can work on meeting the fam. Pressuring wont work, that much I know. There's already too much pressure. She somehow needs to believe that things can change, that it can get better. And it can, her mom dam near cracked a while back and we almost did meet. I can be a charming guy, and I genuinely care about people.
Man, I am so confused. But probably not half as much as her. 45min of IMs yesterday. Some snippets: How it started: Her: stared at your id for 10 min, what the heck, so i said hi. sorry Me: :-)
Regarding her job - recall this is a very successful woman: Her: i can't really perform/function in this area Me: why not? Her: too depressed, too much memory
Regarding a new position far away: Her: Maybe I will go Me There you go Her: Do you think it will help Me: I don't know Subject dropped
Regarding a new position in an area very close to me: Her: if I can ever move on/function and be able to perform around you. Me: sigh, how about you set up a meeting with (very good therapist we both know) Her: i will think about it. just don't think it will help Me: Maybe not, but I don't think it would hurt Her: When I was younger, I always felt that i could change the world
It ended with me saying silly things that made her laugh. What to do, what to do ....
Today I packed her things into boxes. Painful stuff... I don't know what to do with it all. For now I've piled it into a room I never use. Just can't stand to look at all of the memories. This is the weirdest ride I've ever been on, and I've been on some weird rides. I mean, what the heck am I supposed to do with all of her things? Arg!!!
