W is moving out.....life goes on...

[AloneAt35]

In Shock,

Just sending you my support. You are in the most difficult time now. I know that the stress is unbearable.

Regarding 'emotional fusion'...I had to read it twice because that actually sounded like a GOOD thing to have in a relationship...but hey, look at how screwed up I am so don't listen to me!

Of course you are taking your wife's rejection "personally"! Good heavens woman, who wouldn't! But your wife is screwed up right now and I still feel that you are taking 100% of the blame in your sitch, when in reality, its 50/50. Your wife is an adulterer - that is not your fault. It will never be your fault.

I know you are just trying to *fix* things, but don't let that become a way to beat yourself up for your core personality traits. Your W ultimately needs to love you for YOU: the caring, responsible friend and loving mother that you are to your son.

I wish I had more to offer you for support or advice, but as you can see, I haven't been very good at 'busting' my own sitch, so I'll just say, keep hanging in there my friend. There has to be light at the end of this tunnel.

[Rick1963]

Just checking IS and hoping you are ok. been thinking of you. ((((Hugs))))

[paige40]

Just checking on you. Hope S is feeling better.

[In_Shock]

hey alone, rick and paige. Thanks SO much for thinking of me. I've been off the computer for the most part a couple of days. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster from hades so I decided instead of kvetching and whining i would wait about posting. However, this board is SUCH a lifesaver, I am drawn to it for the support and the wonderful people So here I am -- still mid-coaster.

[In_Shock]

to catch up --- MIL was nasty to me Friday morning. Accused me of wanting to 'possess' S and take him from W. Hmmmm.... that seems a bit backwards from the convo I had with W, but as I said, I DBed MIL and she ended up apologizing to me~!!! WOW. She is an interesting character....

BTW S is all good now!!! He's on antibiotics and getting into as much trouble as any little boy should>LOL.

THEN W came back from out of state on F night. She was really cold and kind of nasty to me. I said, "do you want to tell me about your trip?" W: "No." Me: Allrighty.....WALKING AWAY!

Of course she then proceeded to text OW until i went to bed, which was after midnight. Another night in paradise

I slept well while she was gone. Since she has returned, I'm back to 4-5 hours a night and tossing---turning--- apparently not very deep sleep.

[In_Shock]

Journaling:

I guess I'll make up for being off the board a few days. I've been doing a lot of thinking --- as we LBS tend to do. I've replayed some things in my mind about the past few months since the bomb.

Sometime in the past few weeks I had asked if she loved me. She said-- two things. One: Yes, I love you as a person and as the mother of S. Two: Yes, I love you but not in the way I need to to sustain a relationship. It's that SECOND one that's got me. WTF? I suppose that's W's way of saying ILYBNILWY? Still sukks...

I've also thought ALOT about W's relationship with her family and the part they've played in all this mess. You see, when we met, W was 22 and I was 32. We immediately fell madly in love and did a commitment ceremony within 6 months. There were red flags about that family that I missed. BIG red flags that I overlooked because I was in the midst of the love drug thingy....

For example -- W told me early on that her parents were her best friends. Sounds nice in theory, but not particularly healthy in some ways that I don't want to go into. Let's just say W has had to deal with tmi from both parents in ways a child should never have to over the years. Parents should be parents, not friends ultimately.

Well, then the day after our commitment ceremony (wedding) we went to HER PARENT's HOUSE to open our wedding gifts. W has always spend an extraordinary amount of time with them -- and I've always felt excluded. It's like an exclusive club that I cannot get access to. When we were dating she had to be home every night at 6 pm for family dinner. Again, nice sentiment, but she was 22 --- and we were dating. I missed all those signs. I was so taken with her -- her kindness, generosity, the fact that she was/is such a caring loving person..... That family is totally enmeshed and so codependent..... WOW.

SO last night I ask W if she wants to go out to dinner with me. We've always done this at least once a week for years -- she has been kind of down since her return home, so I told her we could go out and just talk about the color of paint on the wall...lol... ie; nothing. Just to relax. When she picked me up, it was apparent she had been crying. Turns out her mom had attacked her with some heavy things... MIL told W that W is an unhappy person and that nothing will make her happy.... MIL told W that W has been so short and snippy lately that if ...and I quote --- "if this is what it looks like for you to be with someone other than InShock, perhaps you need to stay with InShock" HMMMM>>>>> Curiousier and curiousier.

[AloneAt35]

I have to say, MIL is right about a few things. And good job DBing her!

[NTX_Dad]

I wish my MIL would say that to my W!!

Hang in there shock, it sounds like it could be an interesting week.

[jbnati]

MIL told W that W is an unhappy person and that nothing will make her happy.... MIL told W that W has been so short and snippy lately that if ...and I quote --- "if this is what it looks like for you to be with someone other than InShock, perhaps you need to stay with InShock" HMMMM>>>>> Curiousier and curiousier.

Hmmm...sounds like your MIL was on spot with some things there. I wonder what your W really heard?

[In_Shock]

yeah guys. this is also what my IC (who also sees W and OW...Remember, small town much BS) told me about W. *i've been concerned since that time that IC has broken boundaries and 25YEARS and I have discussed --- I probably need a new IC for privacy reasons....

Anyway, IC said to me "W has a lot of unhappiness inside that has nothing to do with you...sometimes people think by doing something completely different.....they will feel ok"

Apparently MIL sees that new R with OW isn't making W any happier.... It does help me to put it in perspective and see more confirmation that it's not just ME making W == who I love dearly -- unhappy. I've had that on my mind for a long time..... even though cognitively i KNOW i cannot MAKE someone else happy or unhappy...etc... Still, I love her and do want her to be happy. For all her problems and for all the crap she's put me through lately, W is a good person and i still love her with all my injured heart.