My W moved out over a month ago and said she needed space to figure out how she feels. Recently i was told that she wants to go forward with the divorce and says there is no turning back.
I am in a similar situation as you. It is hard to focus on anything and when I find any small opening of light it quickly gets covered over by thoughts of negativity and a ton of anxiety. I find talking to friends and family helps, but doesn't take care of the problem. The only way I find mental sanity at the moment is to just get up and out of the house and "try" to do things that I enjoy in life. This is extremely hard since joy is a difficult feeling to deal with when you feel hurt and lost.
For me this is like learning to walk again... One step at a time until I am fully in control of my body and mind.
hi ayngl, Sorry for what you are going through. I am dreading the day when my w leaves, it will be oct 28th. I feel like every day that passes is one day closer to execution day. Curiously though, over the last 3 or 4 days I feel a little bit stronger, w and I went to a mediator the other day, because we have no kids, no debt and only assets, which we have agreed to divide 50/50, he suggested we(meaning me) file on our own, since w will no longer be a resident of NJ when she moves. W agreed, so the onus of filing now rests with me, and right now i plan on moving very slowly on this front.
I work in the Veterans community, many of whom are members of the greatest generation and korea. Many of these guys have been married 50 and 60 years. When I tell them my situation, many times they are at a loss to understand why s wants d, but they also almost to a t say that is best to let s leave, let her get some time to experience life alone, find that grass is never as green on the other side as we think. These guys have been around, and hearing them talk like this really helps me. She may or may not come back, but i have no power to influence either way. I am putting my faith in god to help.
Haven't read your whole sitch, but have you considered joing a local divorce/sep support group? I have joined 2 and have met some real supportive people. Keep me posted and hang in there, I know it gets better, you will do allright!!
gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
I remember reading Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough" saying something about addressing the issue head on. But you have to do it with strength. Your H will smell weakness on you. Another, very helpful, poster (Accuray) sent this to another. Replace the She with He and it will apply. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat. Show him your are strong, or at pretend you are an actress and fake it.
---------- "The precipitated crisis first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."
"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. He will not sit down and explain his inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."
"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with her hiding her cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than she should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."
"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. She knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. She has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"
"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this woman that events are swirling out of control and may take her in directions she has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."
Finally: "An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and she begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, she's coming your way. She's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. She's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for her to observe that changes are occurring which she neither controls nor understands. Tell her nothing. She *needs* to wonder."
It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, she will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.
Oh wow! I've tried this but sometimes I fall back into despair when I see nothing changing for the positive. Sometimes I really wish I had never met such a cold hearted jerk. And other times lately I wish the love feelings for him would die and fade away asap. But they linger on. I have now made myself available for dating so that hopefully I can forget about him quickly. I've been hurting for too long and I just want it to stop and I figured I'm going to do something about it.
M 45 H 44 Married 9/09 Seperated 9/10 Not yet filed for divorce 1/11 - H meets OW in another state 9/7/11 - H tells me he is moving to another state on 10/1/11
I really like the advice from the veterans. Thanks for sharing.
M 45 H 44 Married 9/09 Seperated 9/10 Not yet filed for divorce 1/11 - H meets OW in another state 9/7/11 - H tells me he is moving to another state on 10/1/11
Welcome, sorry to hear what you're going through - I can definitely relate your current feelings and fears/anxiety. The words from LIAT were great, I wish I had seen these too. Take care and you will get some great advice from people here. Cam
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
Ayngl, I don't know enough about your sitch, but based on your time lines in your sig... it's hard to say whether dating is something to consider at this time...
How long were you together with your H, considering you are at 2 years M at this time...
My personal opinion is that dating while M is not an option... but there are others who have been S for so long, pending D, that dating is just a given... and in other cases, with short Rs, dating after being apart for one year might be reasonable...
In the end, it's a choice you have to make, but I will offer one observation...
By your words, you sound depressed and you sound angry...
Neither of those two things will contribute to the development of any type of meaningful R...
So, having said that, if you choose to go out on a date and some... FWB stuff... well, that's your choice...
IF you have any thoughts about R with your H and trying to save the M... how would dating and more affect your chances of R? How would you feel about "breaking" vows? How do you think your H might feel?
In regards to the M, it could be a moral dilemma...
There's also always the risk of STDs...
And then there's also the risk of emotional damage, to you, to your H, and to the OP you may date...
So really, it doesn't sound like your ready, but in the end... no one can really advise you...
I know that doesn't help and you know the above... but that's the best "advice" I can give...
