Thank you Beatrice.. this does help me understand more of what he's going through. I'm going to see about the book .. I'm sure I can order it on amazon.
Not in a good place. I woke up yesterday morning feeling very depressed, and once I started crying I could not seem to stop it. Somehow, I just slipped backwards and even though I felt myself reaching forward gripping the handle bars of db-ing... I STILL messed up.
I cleaned my face up and put on light make up and put on something nice, just a casual nice shirt with jeans. Did my hair.. then went to the kitchen to study before H got in from work.
Except, for the first time he decided to be 3 1/2 hours late, which never happens..he may be an hour but not that long. So then what happens? I start reeling with panic inside... all my fears about him being dishonest behind my back came flooding in and took control. By the time he got home, I was sitting in the garage having a cig. I don't even smoke, but I got one out of the stash kept in the cabinet and proceeded to sit, get teary eyed, angry, worried, and just smoke.
He came in and said hi, and I said nothing. I didn't want anything coming out of my mouth... but then he said, "Are you mad?" and that opened the flood gates.... of hell, perhaps.
I lost my cool, and I said, "At least you could have phoned...?" and he tried to explain that he had overtime, and after that he talked to a friend of his after work, stopped for gas and a soda.
But did I stop there... no. I cried, and I said, "I was worried something was going on that I don't know about". He tried to be sympathetic and somewhat comforting by saying that nothing at all was going on. He had a smile on his face and went on in the house. I SHOULD have known the smile was his cue that everything was OK cause when stuff was going on with OW, he didn't come home with a smile... it was always a worried look.
I'm so angry with myself.... cause I pouted and acted like a baby that evening. I ended up angering him. And after dinner he came up to me in the kitchen and raised his voice and said, "This is what I'm talking about..." and walked off.
ALL the #%$ changes I worked SO hard at ... blown out of the water. You know, things were actually starting to get just a little better around here... and he was slowly slowly coming a bit closer.... and I had to slip back.
So mad at myself, sad, angry.
I have to turn it around somehow today. He probably does not believe that my changes are real or will stick.
ALL the #%$ changes I worked SO hard at ... blown out of the water. You know, things were actually starting to get just a little better around here... and he was slowly slowly coming a bit closer.... and I had to slip back.
So mad at myself, sad, angry.
I have to turn it around somehow today. He probably does not believe that my changes are real or will stick.
Ct - we ALL have times when we do what we shouldn't! over and over again. This won't be your last time, so don't worry. You are human and sometimes...ahhhhhh! you just want to scream and cry and shake some sense into them.
Pick yourself up and smile and pretend it didn't happen. That's what I did. And remeber the changes are for you NOT for him. One day you will understand that. It just takes time.
You will be okay Ct.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Yes, a friend once told me it will be a big deal only because you make it so. And sometimes we do slip so that we can learn.....
I have slipped so many, many times that people are tired of sending me 2x4's. But what else can you do..just pick yourself up. Play it cool .... your H is trying to recover. You know what my H just told me? That when he ended it with OW the first time a year ago, it could have gone OK if not because of my actions... which made him feel rebellious and made him contact her again.
But honestly, I don't beieve him. Whatever I would have done he would have gone right back and talked to her anyway. In the meantime, we still are learning, and I did need that time or else I would not be having all the relizations that I am having now.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Even though he told me "its over" with ow, i find myself still obsessed with it all. I look at her facebook, read her blog, feel sick and sad....rinse repeat.
I cant trust him. Even though he says he is not going to contact her...i wonder if he has another secret email set up. Or, is he sitting with a different woman at lunch breaks now.
When he is late, when he is on the computer when i'm gone....my heart panics.
I'm struggling to detach from this. No matter how hard i try to put my focus on other things....i cant stop thinking about all these things...and if he is still lying.
You know....i dont want to put the program back on the computer so i can snoop.....because if i found something again it is going to take me down in a bad way. As it is im a mess with all these obsessive thoughts.
Im so angry at him this morning for doing all this.
H told me last night he wants to go out to ca, where we used to live and look for a job and an apt for us. His sister lives there and she told him that he can stay there for a few weeks if needed. I was surprised by this. Maybe now i can go home where there will be more resources. I'm happy with this....very happy as i have never been happy up here. Because he is in mlc, i will be cautious and let it settle in for him...he could change his mind. But last night he seemed very sure that going home is a good idea.
Last night as we were getting ready for bed, h made the comment about when to put in his notice for work. I made a comment..."it will be nice to go home again...it will be a fresh start". He looked at me for a moment and said "just because we are going out there doesnt mean all my feelings are going to just go away. I dont want you putting expectations on me."
I was like wow....where did that come from AND thanks for making sure you quash even a tiny hope that it MIGHT be positive.
I didnt say that out loud of course! I just said "i understand..." and went to bed.
One day he says he wants to save our marriage and he next he's telling me not to be hopeful.
Ive only been on a roller coaster once in my life because i was terrified. Mlc reminds me of this lol
