So I have been divorced over a year, separated nearly 4 years and it's all done and dusted. I'm 30 years old and have been backpacking for 14 months so have come home to live with my parents who have been married for 42 years.
My Mum is away visiting her cousin and I said to my father that I was going to be late tonight however I came home earlier than expected and walked in and called out hello. I heard him say 'hold on someones just come in the door' then there was about a 30 second pause and he came out in the hall way. I said 'oh hello, were you just one the phone?'. He was looking very shifty, was bright red and said 'erm, uh, no I was just erm, actually talking to the TV'. To which my bullsh1t rader switched onto full blast. There was *no way* he was talking to the tv, I heard exactly what he had said, no mistakes. Anyway, I pretended everything was normal, had a quick chat about my night and excused myself to bed.
Now, I know my parents have issues, they muddle along and it's not a particularly happy marriage but it's not an unhappy one either. They sleep in separate bedrooms as my mum snores. I would say that I don't think there is a bedroom business going on (ugh, talking about my parents!!!!). My brother has suspected my dad of having an affair for a long time. My dad has a history in that he had one when I was 1 years old, obviously I have no memory of it but my brother and sisters do and it has affected them and they are alsways more ready to jump to conclusions than I am.
I could go through his (recently acquired) mobile phone, my dad is technology phobic. I admit that when I got upstairs tonight I dialed the recently called numbers on the house phone but there was no one that called here. He must have made the call. But really, do I want to know?? I really don't and I don't want to be involved. If this came out, if it were true then it would rock the whole family sphere but can I carry on knowing that there might be something dodgy going on. Just to add as a side note, my dad doesn't have friends, certainly not that he would telephone. And if he were on the phone to friends why would he lie?
Does anyone have any idea about what I should do? It's shocking and my gut reaction is that I *really* don't want to know. But I do know for sure that he lied to me tonight and was very shifty.
Wow! Do you think your parents might have some sort of agreement? I would hate to jump to conclusions especially since we are prone to distrust a bit right now. Can you chat with your dad about it? I really don't know what to think but it certainly sounds like he felt he was caught doing something he shouldn't.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You know, in my family we never talk about anything. It's an unspoken (literally!) rule. I don't think they would have an agreement, I think my mum would ignore anything that was going on unless it was blatent and then she would act (probably throw him out). She very much has the power since the first affair.
I don't know if I feel brave enough to ask him/ confront him. My dad used to have quite a temper and although he has mellowed very much in the past few years there is the risk he could turn if backed into a corner.
The thing is, I have actually thought they seem happy since I got back. They get on well generally. But the thing is, now I have heard this, I know I am going to find it really hard to just ignore now.
Well, he lied to me yesterday again about the TV thing and is meeting whoever he spoke to on the phone today and lied about that too. I haven't even needed to snoop because it is bloody obvious! Makes me feel quite sick inside. However, I spent the day with him yesterday as we had arranged a day out together previously and had to pretend everything was normal.
The repercussions if I say anything are huge, for the entire family. Perhaps my mum does already know and is just carrying on so long as it isn't public.
It brings up feelings from when exh cheated and lied and hid things from me. And the one thing I *hate* is being lied to. And Dad is a very bad liar, he goes bright red! Does he really think I am that stupid or is he just banking on my blind trust, that's what exh used to do and that is what hurt the most, that he would take advantage of that.
You need to talk it out. Let him know since your ex's infidelity, you are especially sensitive about it. You love him and love your family but you can't be party to a lie.
Ummm, the rest I was thinking would follow. I feel for you but maybe you are the best person that he can hear this from.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Wow, JCJ that's a tough spot to be in. In one way it's their business but in another it's yours too because you love them both. Tough convo to have especially in a family that talks about nothing! Voldemort (my stbx/wife/whatever) had to deal with this with her father. He'd been having a A for 20 years and he mom decided on a trip to Canada that she would reveal the whole thing to the family. Voldemort had to go to a family meeting to discuss Dad's infidelity. I was stunned. I said "but isn't this kind of their business?" She replied "we are a Chinese family, it'a all our business" At least there she had back up with sisters and brothers but...wish I had advice. Is there a way to open discussion through the back door somehow? Maybe say "Dad, I've been having some thoughts and feelings about you and Mom, is everything OK? Is there anything I can do to help?" It might not get much but it tells him that you are noticing. Only advice I've got for now.
I vote for confronting Dad. Let him make the decision to either stop his affair or tell your mom.
I know people always say "Oh, she (the wife) MUST have known, she was probably ok with things the way they were." I don't agree for a minute. Most of us here were blindsided by our spouses affairs. Even when it should have been obvious, you just don't think YOUR spouse is going to do that to you.
Seems the best possible outcome would be if he is embarrassed and/or shocked to be found out, and decides to stop the affair on his own. Then your mom is spared knowing, the family can remain intact - although YOU are still stuck with the burden of knowing. Still, you would probably have some respect for your dad if he reacted that way.
If you confront him and it blows things up - as in, he decides to tell your mom and run off with OW - well, that is probably what would have happened anyway, wouldn't be caused by you finding out. And your mom has a right to know she's being exposed to sexually transmitted disease etc.
And creepy though this sounds, before you confront him, you might want to accumulate a little hard evidence - both to break through HIS inevitable denial, and it may be useful for your mom later.
So, so sorry you are stuck with this information. But it doesn't seem like just pretending it doesn't exist is much of an option - leaves a huge burden on you.
What you are saying makes sense. I should talk to him. It is whether I pluck up enough courage. I mean, I am spending the day at my sisters tomorrow who I tell everything to and now I have to hide this? It feels awful. She was the one who was so affected the last time he did this (that we know of) when I was born.
I might go away from home for a couple of days to clear my head. It is too hard with just me and him in the house. Although probably would be even harder if my mum was here.
Today was awful knowing he had lied to me about where he was going and trying not to think about what he might be doing, it really did my head in.
I was in denial about my ex's affair for so long and would never have believed it (well, I didn't when his Dad told me). I was blindsided when it happened to me and I found out via FB of all places. I'm in such a horrible position here.
One thing anyway, I have to move out of here whatever the outcome. I was hoping it would give me financial respite to stay here but I think I have to make other arrangements.
Thank you all for your advice. I'm going to give myself little time to consider.
