The Next Phase

[betterman77]

I've decided to move over to this forum because the W and I have come to a separation agreement and we're just waiting for the mediator to write it up.

I'm pretty satisfied with what we agreed to. I will have my kids 50% of the time they will remain in the same school with all of their friends. I will also be keeping my original family home. Everything else is just money and I really don't care about that. My children's happiness and well being is what is most important as well as being the best father I can for them.

I have mixed feelings now that we have reached this point. I know this separation will hurt them but I can't go on living with my W. She has re-written our entire lives together and has blamed me for everything. The two A's she did have she half heartedly apologized for and thinks they had nothing to do with the breakdown of our M. I've owned all of my mistakes and have worked on them with an IC for the past year. I am proud of the man and father I have become and I will only get better.

When talking with my C we both agreed that she is in a MLC and has to take this journey on her own. I've accepted the fact that this is how it's going to be for now and there is nothing I can do about it. It feels like a weight has been lifted off off my shoulders and I can move forward with my life in a positive direction.

At this time I really feel pity for my W. We have two beautiful children, a nice house in a great neighborhood and she had a husband willing to do anything to make it work even after her two affairs. She thinks the grass is going to be greener on the other side but without her willing to do the work on herself (which she most definitely needs) then she will keep living with the same martyr and victim mentality she has her whole life and nothing will change for her.

I know that in the future I can look my children in the eyes and tell them that their father tried everything he possibly could to try and keep this family together. I also know that I can let her walk away from this M without any regrets and wonder if I could have done something differently. I did everything I could.

[bboom]

It sounds like you were married to my wife's twin.
What is your plan to get a life and move forward?

[betterman77]

Hey boom, isn't it strange that our WAS's behavior is so similiar?

My plan for the immediate future is to refocus on my work. Riding this roller coaster for the past year has set me back a little. We recently opened another division at my company that handles "green" technologies. This has always interested me and when we moved into our most recent house we installed a few solar applications to reduce our electric and oil consumption. The division in the company that was opened deals with mainly the sealing of the house. I need to be certified and there will be a lot of studying involved but it's a good way to stay focused and make some extra money.

Plus football and hockey are starting up and I always enjoyed getting together with the guys to watch the games. I've neglected that over the past few years to be home with the family but it will be nice to reconnect with them and get out of the house.

Other than that the main focus is still with the kids. Between school starting up, and all of their activities it takes up most of my time which I don't mind at all. Watching them enjoy and excel at everything they do still brings me my greatest joy.

I did have a puzzling conversation with the W on Saturday after my IC appointment. She did bring up our R and she suckered me into the conversation. After hearing her rant I told her that I'm not going to be blamed for all that has gone wrong in our M. I told her that I have made my share of mistakes, owned and changed them. I told her she is getting what she wants and I asked why she keep's bringing this up. She says this isn't what she wants and that all she wants is her family. I kind of checked out of the convo then as I had a funeral to go to. I did here her talking to her BF the next day and heard my W say that I blame her for everything which is completely untrue. Just my W playing the victim again. I did realize that no matter what I do or don't do I'm always going to be the villian in her eyes.

As for this comment "This isn't what I want, all I want is my family."

I took that as maybe a moment of clarity in her eyes but at this point she has to work on herself to get this. My W had a HORRIBLE childhood and should have been to C a long time ago. Our MC and my IC happens to be her sister's MIL and has known my W for well over 17 years. She has encouraged her to come and see her in the past and really made it a point to come and see her when we started MC back in December. Of course my W feels there is nothing wrong and she doesn't need it. I really wish she would as it can only be beneficial for the kids.

[bboom]

I feel your pain. Part of the reason that the kids and i moved out was i just couldn't stand to be around my wife and overhear the conversations that she was having on the phone. She would speak for hours to anyone who would listen and tell them lies and bs about me and our marriage.
It was almost like she was deliberatly trying to get a reaction from me, but i didn't allow myself to get trapped.
At a certain point you need to cut yourself loose, drop the rope, and walk away to protect your sanity.

[betterman77]

She tries to bait me all the time into arguing with her and 99% of the time I'm able to resist.

As for walking awasy that is not an option for me. We currently live in the house that I grew up in. After my mother died I completely gutted the house right down to the studs. I put in months of working nights and weekends to rebuild it for us and I'll be damned if I'm going to walk away so she can move another guy in. She says I am not a man for throwing her and the kids out and I calmly explained that if I have them half the time then I am going to be the one to raise them in the house. Plus she doesn't have the resources to buy me out while I am currently working with my family to buy her out and I should have that issue resolved soon.

What I am realizing is that I may actually have the kids more than half the time. My W thinks that she is going to be able to survice on her own with the support we agreed on and only working part time and picking up an extra shift here and there at the hospital. What I do know is that she will have to go full time 5 nights a week in order to survive. I can't wait for that reality to set in.

[ncl]

Betterman,

Thanks for your welcome on my thread in this forum. It's not a fun place to be, but at least I know I'm in good company.

I briefly read up on your sitch, and it sounds like our spouses have quite a bit in common. I applaud you at being so strong in establishing and keeping your boundaries. I'm pretty much a flunkie when it comes to boundaries. I am reading "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and it is really helping me get through the incredible waves of pain.

Continue to stay strong. I'll be checking in on you.
Take care, lc4

[betterman77]

Thanks for checking in lc.

I applaud you at being so strong in establishing and keeping your boundaries. I'm pretty much a flunkie when it comes to boundaries.

I was a flunkie to at first but over time I've been able establish and keep them.

Just Journaling
After preparing for the hurricane on Saturday I was doing a little work from home. I was thinking about our situation and at the same time my W approached me asking what was wrong. One of my W's complaints about me has always been my communication skills. So I told her that I was thinking about the kids and how this separation was going to affect them. And as always the second I finished my sentence she took over the conversation and rehashed all the wrong I have done in the past. I told her that I was done living in the past and any isses she has ever had with me (which were valid and were things I did want to address before all of this went down) I've worked on and corrected. She then proceeded to tell me how she's such a great person and how she's loved by friends and coworkers. At this point I really couldn't hold back any longer and let her know how I see her (which I have never done). I calmly told her that she's a serial cheater, pathological liar, dishonest and sneaky. I told her that the one person that I needed to trust the most has betrayed me more than once and in my eyes that's not a good person. I also told her that I would rather live with the sadness of not being husband and wife anymore than go through the hell that we are currently in.

It probably wasn't one of my greatest DB moments but at this point I don't really care. She has this vision of herself of being such a good person that I felt for me that a mirror needed to be held up in front of her so she can finally take a look at herself. I doubt she will but it did feel good to get it out there.

[betterman77]

More Journaling
W had kids at her GF for a BBQ and one of the neighborhood kids had asked my D if she wanted to go to the beach with her and her family. W asked if I would stop by and pick D up and drop her off at her friends. I said sure no problem and when I arrived my S wanted to go with me and didn't want to stay with my W. My W did not like that and TBH I did get some satisfaction from that.

I would have never thought that in the beginning of all of this that I would become the more stable parent. While my W continues her new teenage lifestyle I will continue to be there rock and the best Dad I can be.

My family was able to come up with the remaining money I needed to buy her out of the house. So that is good news.

All in all I'm doing really good. The agreement we have in place will give me everything that I really wanted out of all this. The house, the kids half the time and for them to remain in the same school with all of their friends. I will pay her support and still be able to live a managable lifestyle.

My C did mention to me that she has been seeing someone and thinks we would be perfect for each other. We are both very anxious to meet but I will hold off until I sign the separation agreement. I don't consider it rushing into anything so soon after my separation because looking back my W and I haven't had that type of relationship in 2 years. And I am ready to move forward.

[betterman77]

Haven't been here in a while. Just needed a break.

Well I am now legally separated and my XW will be out of the house by tomorrow. I know the goal here is to try and save our M and after trying my best there was no way that was going to happen. The last year plus has been hell for me. Even when I thought we were piecing I've learned she never stopped looking for OM. She has turned into a person that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with.

In a way I am thankful it has happened because it has made me make some much needed changes in my life and has strengthened a bond between me and the children that can never be broken. They look to me more now than they do to her which I never thought was possible.

We did not go the lawyer route and mediated everything. I've kept my childhood home and have the kids 50% of the time which will turn out to be more so she can keep up her partying ways.

I am thankful and relieved its over and that I can now move forward in life in a positive direction.

[~ kd ~]

So... legally separated or D? You are calling her your XW...

It sounds you are doing OK. The future can only be bright.

Cheers!