After 2.5 years, divorce final soon

[d1adsl5a]

I have been posting on this site for over 2.5 years. September 1st, is supposed to be the day the divorce is official. I still am not sure how I feel. I don't love my wife anymore, that i know. She has been quite mean over the last year as we go through this process. She comes out quite well financially. I have to pay her $4,300 net per month. She gets $360,000 or 60% of my pention/401k. I had also given her $140,000 when we split the equity in our house. The judge is still making me pay for catholic school at $1,000 per month.

Yet, I find the money isn't the thing that bothers me. I have developed an anxiety disorder and chronic insomnia through out this process. I do take something for it, but the anxiety is there everyday and I still have bad sleep a couple nights per week. I hope someday I am able to accept my new life. I do have a wonderful girlfriend and I get my sons 50% of the time. As I said, I still find myself with this anxiety every day. Therapy helps, but i know that I have to heal on my own.

I developed this wall to deal with my soon to be ex for years. The wall came tumbling down in mid march of this year. I wasn't ready to commit to the girl friend. In fact, I realized I was doing what I did in my marriage. Saying and doing what makes everyone else happy. I hit my lowest points over the last few months. I sometimess get shortness of breath that last for hours. I just find it hard accepting the good and bad in my life. I just wish I could function and be me in this relationship with this girl. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me other than my kids, but i find myself not being able to just be happy...

One of the things I am looking forward to is to be able to tell my soon to be ex how I really feel. I have taken the high road so many times to placate her anger. I have lived in fear of her for 3 years...At one point she filed for sole custody and it destroyed me. After sept. 1st, no more. Any mean vulgar texts, I will respond in kind. For example, when she wanted her rings back a few months ago, I said I will give them to the lawyers and they can make it official. She called me an ass in a text. I told her that one of our son's read her texts once where she was calling me a name. She said, "good, your son needs to know you are an ass." What kind of mother is she...She can't hurt me anymore. I have written a letter to her telling her how I feel. It isn't mean or vulgar, just what she has done to me over the last couple years. I still don't know if I will give it to her.... Anyway, I am doing better than I was a a month ago. So I will take it that I am healing..

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi there-

I'm not familiar with your sitch but I will say that I am happy that you seem to be moving on with your life.
Ate you sure you are ready to date? I just ask because it seems like you still have some things to work through when it comes to relationships.

I wish you the best of luck.

[d1adsl5a]

Well, my situation mirrors many people on this site unfortunately. May 2009, Wife comes home and says she is no longer in love and wants a divorce. We or should I say try for next 6 months. Clearly, she doesn't want to stay married. So we try collabrative law to start the divorce process..Fast forward 2 years and $50,000 in lawyers fees later...It is about to be done. By the way, don't do collabrative law..Worst mistake I made...

Anyway, a year ago, my wife moves out. No one could tell me different, I run out to find my next wife...

Fortunately or unfortunately I meet the "one" She gave me everything I needed to feel good about myself again. She had 4 kids...It became my second little family.

So I go along my way for the next 9 months. Then it hits me. Oh God, I am not ready for any of this. Well, Mid March, I folded. So my body is telling me something, because I started not sleeping again. My brain was saying sure we will move in together someday... I start getting anxiety attacks at the thought of seeing her because I thought she was the cause of my insomnia. I was paralyzed in fear. The last time my insomnia came, it lasted for a year. The funny thing is that I started sleeping again when my W asked for a divorce.

I realize that I am still very broken inside. I had a wall built up so thick in my marriage, nothing could hurt me. My W had alot of anger issues and I usually took most of it.

So I run as fast as I can from the girlfriend looking to sleep again. Problem is, 3 months go by and I am getting worse. So I call her back up and we start to take it slow. I tell her the truth about everything I am feeling. My anxiety, that I still have everyday. I am sleeping better with the medicine that I am on, but I still get this little anxiety everyday. I still have a lot of healing to do.

So to answer your question, no I wasn't ready to date. I still am not. But the problem is, I met someone that is everything I ever wanted in someone. She is patient with me and my "issues." But I just wish I could let myself be happy. I find it hard to do that with the anxiety about her, my life, the divorce, the kids...

But much of my anxiety has to do with her. I was very type a, black and white person. I have to learn how to live for today and be happy. I planned my whole life. Get my job, Get successful, Get the wife, the house, the kids, etc...So yes I was a bit controlling.. I will admit that... I try to figure out in my head how I can handle her 4 kids, my 3 kids...I just couldn't make it work in my head back in March. I just don't want to end up in a second divorce. This first one has been the worst experience of my life.

But it is about me accepting my life now. Accepting this girl I am dating isn't perfect, but she is the best person I have ever met in my life. She has become my best friend. I do love her. I just have to deal with my anxiety and someday I will get better....

So, I am just trying to take it day by day. I have good days and bad. I am posting because the last few days have been bad.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm glad you are posting. We are all here to help and to listen.

I suffer from anxiety as well, and take medication for it. I am also in therapy and it has helped tremendously.

I hear you about not wanting to get divorced again. It was very traumatic and now that I am more than likely going to be divorced again I feel like the worlds biggest failure.

Keep taking things day by day, that's all you can really do.

[d1adsl5a]

To me, it is amazing what emotional trauma can do to you. I finally had to admit to myself that I have an anxiety disorder a few months ago. I was the guy who never faltered. Mr. Confident...

Wrong. Turns out, I am the emotional guy...

I guess it took me awhile to get like this and it will take me awhile to get better again...

If you don't mind me asking, what happened the second time? I am not familiar with your situation either. Sounds like you got married young your first time.

I met my W when I was 21, married by 24. Started having kids by 26...All part of my plan...

[~¤DG¤~]

Well, we are separated, but I am pretty sure we will end up divorced, even though I don't want to.
My 1st H & I were high school sweethearts and I got pregnant at 18. (Actually I found out the day I graduated high school. Quite the graduation gift!)
We married when our S was almost 2 and we were just too young. I don't regret it because had we not we never would have had our second S and I love my kids to death.

I guess you could say I didn't deal with a lot of the issues I had growing up and also from my divorce. I was very angry inside and verbally abusive. My H got the brunt of my anger. I am ashamed at the way I treated him. Even though he wasn't perfect, a lot of the reasons we are apart is my fault.

I will say that his leaving was a wake up call for me that sh*t in my life needed to change. I started therapy and also found the right combination of anxiety/depression meds and have really turned myself around.
I'm sad that my behavior more than likely cost me my M, but I have learned a lot in these past 7 months and feel better than I have in years.

[Denver_2010]

Hey D1. Just want to stop by and lend some support. You have posted a couple of times on my thread and I appreciated it. Your story got me to thinking a lot about how I was handling my situation with my OW.

I also realized after reading your posts on this thread that you and I have a lot of personality similarities. I too have always been a very black and white, have my life all planned out, kind of guy.

This has always had me looking at the future rather than enjoying the present. Although the past 9 months have been the worst experience of my life, I have worked really hard to focus on the present more ... and to appreciate my loved ones more than I ever did before.

As for your girlfriend, I suggest that you just enjoy the 'now' with her... let the future unfold as it is does... "Live into the answers" ...

Denver

[d1adsl5a]

Denver: It is hard trying to live without control. Without having your "plan" Even after the W left, I still continued with my same methodology. It is all I ever knew. I even went away to college when I was 17, never came home after. Had to get my apartment when I got out and live my singles life in Chicago...I met my W the first night in chicago...

Gabby: You are right too. I have never really been alone either. The thing that I realized is that I need to be whole on my own before I can be whole with someone else. The problem is that I did meet the right girl at the wrong time.


Your ExH will find out really soon that he jumped into things way too quickly. You are very wise in waiting to date until you are emotionally ready. Most guys run so fast to find someone to make them feel good about themselves. They don't really no it at the time. They think they are past everything. The problem is their journey is just beginning although they don't know it. And no one can tell them different.

So what do I do now...I don't want to end the relationship either. I tried letting her go once and I was a mess. I do know it was partly because I had a hard time being alone. But also partly that this person I met is a true partner. The one you take walks with, play tennis, golf with, a best friend. So I can't just walk away even though I am not truly ready for everything.

My divorce is final in a week and I am looking forward to finally putting all this behind me. It has been a journey.

Denver: I hope you make it through better than I did. I have good weeks and bad weeks. Everytime I think I'm good...I find that I still have a long way to go.

Deliquent: I plan on learning from alot of people on this site about a second marriage. I don't want to play the statistic that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. I can't go through this again. I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. I feel for you going through it a second time. But it sounds like you have learned some lessons this time. I certainly have in this divorce. And am learning alot right now about myself.

Well, I coach my son's football team and I am off to a game. Thanks for your replies. I am really glad I found this site. I always think I am good and I don't need to come back, but every few months I find myself still needing the support. It is great to hear the success stories. But as we probably have all found it is about helping you prepare for life after divorce...