The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[jbnati]

Honestly, I started looking into marathon training today.

I think this would be awesome! I'm jealous!

[LearningPatience]

jb, thanks! Then again, I can't see me riding bikes anywhere near as much as you, and we don't have Skyline Chili here anymore (boo), so I guess it evens out.

Harrier, only two questions at this moment are 1) is it twice as hard as a half-marathon (which wasn't *that* bad) and 2) isn't it stupid of us to run 26.2 miles without either a cop or a bear (or a cop riding a bear) chasing us?

As far as the LBS diet has been mentioned today, I have to warn people that it can backfire. Or maybe it's just me. I went from thin and having a small belly to the point they don't carry my size most places locally (*cough*29"*cough*). Kinda embarrassing to have to shop in the boys section.

[LearningPatience]

Had an interesting weekend, to say the least...

I went to an outdoor art festival/competition called ArtPrize. It's been going on for three years now, but this was the first year I've gone. It was SO cool, I had SO much fun! Went by myself, but my boys were there with their mother and it sounds like we just missed each other.

I also went for my first run yesterday since my race last week. It was a short run, but it felt really good to get back out there.

However, these weren't the most interesting part of the weekend. Just to warn you: Temptation 1 - me 0

My friend (I'll just call her 'E') posted on her FB page that she was going out to watch UFC at sports bar that evening and wanted to invite people. One of our other friends and I responded yes. I'm not really into that kind of thing, but figured I'd give it a try.

E and I got there around the same time and it was packed. We found a place to sit and waited for other friend. Since it was crowded and there was a line, other friend went somewhere else, so it was just E and I. Had a couple of beers and wings with her and talked through most of the fights.

After that, we went to meet up with other friends. Stood in another line for a while only to realize other friends were leaving. Talked to them for a minute and then E and I went to a different bar. When we got there, we thought that a Long Island Ice Tea sounded good, and you can probably guess where this is going...

So E spent the night with me. We didn't ML, but we did sleep together in my bed relatively unclothed. We both felt a little weird the next morning, but it was still really nice. We walked back to her car parked downtown, stopped at a farmers market, ate at a mobile food cart and had a really nice morning together.

So now what? I really don't know. I'm not sure how I feel. Not quite conflicted, just... I don't know.

[Harrier]

L.P

Actually its about 4X as hard.

[LearningPatience]

Thanks Harrier, you've turned an awesome day into a *super* awesome day

They say that at some point the LBS becomes the WAS. I think I'm rapidly approaching that point, if I'm not there already.

I'd like to say I fully detached from W, but I didn't. Mostly detached. I GAL'd pretty well, but I still had those hopes and expectations. I'd box them up and put them on the shelf, but take them down often.

I'd been asked if I would take back W at this point. I've grown, W hasn't (by her own admission), so if we got back together now I don't think it would last. Do I still love her? Yes. Is that enough? At some point, both people have to do the work to R, and I don't see W willing or able to do that now. Maybe someday. I'm not even sure how much more *I* am willing to do. Right now, I could give my W the ILYBINILWY speech.

Now, I'm starting to get feelings for someone else. I see a glimpse of the things that I had been missing R wise. It's a paradox: my eyes are both blinded by the thought of someone new in my life and see clearly that I was holding onto an R that was dead, trying to breathe life into it.

It's hard. Next month will be our 5th anniversary, yet by that time we'll have been S for a full 1/4 of that time. I'm proud that I stood for my W and M, and I'm mourning for the life together that we may never have.

But... I'm happy too. My GAL has been working great, I'm very proud of my kids, and I have lots of people in my life that I care about that also care for me. I've really got it pretty good.

So where does that leave my DBing? Well, I'm certainly more cognizant of interactions within a R. I know myself better and am happy with the person I am. Will I continue posting here? That I don't know. I'm sure I'll keep up on various posts and do my best to help, I'm a firm believer in paying it forward!

Wish me luck!

[Harrier]

LOL

You have a head start. you've DBing for a while so you are strong mentally, which is pretty much 80% of the marathon.

the marathon is like this process somewhat, you never know how it's going to actually workout, but you know that you can do the best things you can do to prepare yourself to move forward.

It sounds like you have done all that. Now go enjoy.

[LearningPatience]

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted, figured I could give an update of sorts.

I've clearly become the LBS that has become the WAS and I'm fine with that. W and I have seen each other twice in the past two weeks and I haven't really missed her in between. First time was at a wedding we both went to. Reception was at the same place we had ours almost 5 years ago (anniversary is this Friday). It was both a fun night and a bit sad too. Didn't talk to her much there. Other time we saw each other was last night. Had a 'date' of sorts, but it was really just a couple of friends catching up. I really didn't feel anything for her but we still had a good time.

In the meantime, I've spent just about every day either emailing or texting my 'friend' E for hours at a time. We did end up sleeping together (in both senses of the term) after the wedding we went to. We've talked a little bit about what this R is about and we both agreed it was a comfort thing, at least for now.

There are some complications of course. Biggest one is that I'm still legally M, even though emotionally the M ended long ago. W has maintained that she wants a D, but I have no idea if she's done anything about it. I've looked into a couple of L and will file myself if W doesn't soon. The M limbo has to go.

It's also complicated that we are all part of a large group of friends. E and I are trying to stay casual in front of our friends, but I think there are probably a few suspicions, especially after the wedding. It will only be a matter of time before most of our group figures things out.

One other complication, at least for me, is that E's kids go to school with mine. Her S is a senior, two grades ahead of my S15, but her D and S12 are in the same grade and have had classes together. The boys know E, but I'm not ready to introduce someone into their lives unless it's something I feel will go somewhere.

So that's where I am now. I'm pretty happy and just a tad bit nervous about getting into a new R. I want to take things slow, but I know myself and that I fall for people quickly. I also don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in previous Rs. If anything, I want to make newer and better mistakes

[LearningPatience]

More journaling:

The M is in it's death throws. Not that it wasn't before, maybe more like a deep coma. W and I both need to move out of limbo I guess.

Went to MC last Thursday with W. Most of the session was practical matters about D. W kept saying she wanted it, but couldn't get herself to get around to filing. Towards the end of the session I let her know I started seeing someone. I figured she'd find out sooner or later and wanted it to come from me. Also figured it would help to mention it in front of C. W seemed happy for me until I told her it was E, who she's kind of friends with. She was pi$$ed! She went on how untrustworthy E was (projection anyone?) At the end of the session, we all agreed that there was no need for continued MC.

Friday morning came. Happy fifth anniversary to us Noticed that W was online and got the following email a few minutes later:
Today is our 5th anniversary and I want to remember all the good times we have had together.

I was hurt and angry at counseling yesterday so I couldn't tell you that its good to see you happy. I may not agree with who you have chosen but I have not seen you smile like you did yesterday in years. Maybe that's why it hurt so much. I am glad you have found your smile again:)

Have a great time in Chicago.

I sent a short reply back:
It's a bittersweet smile :-/

It's NOT where I envisioned things five years ago, but we have to keep moving along in our lives and do the best with whatever happens.

I hope you find the happiness and contentment you deserve!

Drove to Chicago to see a friend and go to a concert. Had a great time, forgot all about everything at home! Drove back the next day. Four hours alone in the car was probably not the best thing. It was a very melancholy drive back.

Had my boys over on Sunday and had a good time with them. Visited with STBX MIL after that and had some really good conversations about everything under the sun. W told her I was seeing someone. MIL asked her why it was ok for her to see OM but not ok for me to see E. Don't think she got an answer.

MIL thinks W is lost and needs to find herself. W has always been the type that when a R gets tough, she bails. MIL hopes she learns someday that it's worth fighting for and sticking together through the hard times. I hope so too for her sake. MIL reiterated at the end of the night that they'll always consider me family.

So W is out in CO visiting SD. She texted me that she's going to use an online D service and that she had some questions when she got back. Sometime in the next week or so we will most likely be sitting together finalizing our M. What a freaking waste...

[jbnati]

Yes, definitely sounds pretty bittersweet, LP. Sorry it's come to this, man. Glad you were able to get away to Chicago to have a great time.

It is a waste, though, when the going gets tough, that many of us are here because our spouses bailed at that point.

Good luck to you going forward. No matter what, keep up the GAL'ing you've been doing. You've definitely been doing a fantatstic job in that area!

[LearningPatience]

Well, it's been almost four months since I last posted. A lot has happened since then. As my signature says, my D was finalized on Wednesday. I think I cried for about 10 minutes total later that morning and have been pretty fine since.

Through the rest of October through about xmas time, E and I got quite a bit closer. In many ways I think this helped with the final detachment I needed from XW, but as you will see soon, maybe I had just replaced one attachment with another.

XW each did our own things through Halloween and Thanksgiving. On Dec 6, XW finally filed, and on the 10th, I signed some paperwork with her. That was the last I'd seen of her or spoken to her until this Wednesday.

Before Thanksgiving, my MIL/FIL offered to pay for a trip out to Denver for xmas with them after XW turned them down. I heard second hand that XW was livid. It was a bit weird spending the holiday with them and SIL, but still very nice. Very family-like; they still consider me family after all this, but realize that it's a splintered family between XW and I.

Two days before my xmas trip E and I had our own xmas celebration. We ML and told her ILY for the first time. She gave me an ILY too The next night I went out with a large group of friends. E had turned down the invitation the week before, but something in her snapped that night and we got into a fight via text. She was complaining that no one ever invites her out. Needless to say I was confused. She later told me she had a panic attack that night. Since then, E and I have continued to see each other, but less frequently and have been a bit more hot and cold.

My bday was in January; E and I took a trip to Toronto (her first time out of the US). Had a great time! XW has tried to test the waters a few times via text/email. Small things like 'we should meet to discuss this' and such. She asked a couple of days before the bday if she could take me out for a drink. I was (legitimately) too busy to take her up on her offer. The next week, she asks if we can meet up sometime as she hates never seeing me. Um, yeah... She also invited E and I both to her Super Bowl party. Another um, yeah.

As far as DB goes, no it didn't save my M, but it *did* save me and help me get through all the bs much better. It also helped me with the hot and cold E and I have been through the past month or so. Detachment 101, no pursuing and testing what works and what doesn't.

Still GALing. Found a duplex to rent in a cool part of the college town I live in. Been moving my stuff from XWs house and setting up my place the way I want it! Also started training for a marathon taking place over Memorial Day weekend. OMG, what was I thinking?!

I've tried to keep up with several people's sitchs even though I wasn't posting. In particular jbnati and DG, but many others too.

Still haven't decided how much/how often I'll post, but I *am* thinking of all of you and wishing you the best. Take care of yourselves and the rest will fall into place!