HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

Minor update: After not being at my best yesterday with Ex-P regarding the 'financial matters' discussion, I emailed him (I never initiate contact but I felt I had to because sorting out my finances is a critical matter) and I asked him if he wouldn't mind that we handle future interactions of this sort via email. I explained that dealing with major financial matters by myself was new to me and that I tended to feel overwhelmed when we talk about it but when things are in writing it is all less confusing and I can look at my budget, think about my responses, and give him better answers, etc. I was also really clear about what bills I thought were my responsibility and what bills that his responsibility.

So, instead of responding in email like I'd hoped and requested, Ex-P called me about 30 seconds after I hit 'send.' When I didn't pick up, he called back 30 seconds after that. Then 30 seconds after that, so I finally picked up.

I don't know why he can't respect my wishes to just do these things in writing. I feel like no matter how I try to control our interactions to make things easier for me, he insists it be by phone.

Then he acted like I was all pitiful and he was saying, "[Nickname] you know I'd never leave you hanging, you know my word is good, you know you can trust me..." I said I hoped he didn't take it the wrong way, but given some things that have occurred, its hard for me to trust him.

Then he wanted to explain/justify OW's actions. For the zillionth time I nicely tried to explain that I didn't care what OW's motivations were for seeking to involve herself in the sale of our home and separation of bills, I just wanted it to stop. And OW wasn't to enter into any more of our discussions. Period.

Then he said bizarre things about how he wants to protect my 'dignity' to OW by showing her that I am financially capable, etc. I asked why I should care what OW thinks of me. He had no answer. I reiterated that we were discussing logistics, not OW.

Then I'd had enough of dealing with crazy man. I nicely told him one final time that his relationship with OW was NOT to enter into any further discussions of the financial logistics of our separation. I asked him if he UNDERSTOOD that. I reiterated that I needed him to AGREE to that. He couldn't understand and just kept saying things like, "Its just that OW doesn't understand why we don't hate each other...she's afraid that we could re-start our relationship so I have to show I'm not being too nice to you." I would always respond with, "Okay, TMI ['too much information'] lets stick to the logistics, not OW."

I still don't think he 'gets' it. Its like he wants to create this bizarre triangle where he is at the apex stirring up unnecessary feelings of dis-ease for all involved. In other words, this whole thing could easily end without drama (separating assets is A LOT harder in a legal divorce) but its as if Ex-P wants to stir the poo and make it harder on me, OW, and himself by making it a three-way debate.

I ended the discussion, he sounded sad that he couldn't get me to understand or engage in a further discussion about OW.

As crazy as the conversation was, at least I was in control of it and in control of my emotions. However, of the 'three' of us, why does it feel like I'm the only one who is able to take the high road and get things done without loads of emotional baggage. After all, shouldn't *I* be the one with the baggage? Its so ironic.

[Starsky309]

I don't know why he can't respect my wishes to just do these things in writing. I feel like no matter how I try to control our interactions to make things easier for me, he insists it be by phone.

Alone, this is why:

So, instead of responding in email like I'd hoped and requested, Ex-P called me about 30 seconds after I hit 'send.' When I didn't pick up, he called back 30 seconds after that. Then 30 seconds after that, so I finally picked up.

HINT: It's for the same reason that dogs lick themselves.


Starsky

[AloneAt35]

Its been ages since I've updated, but there is really very little to update.

I've moved to my own apartment. Its lonely and small (one room), but I survive. Our house is on the market, I miss it but that part of my life is over for good. I bought a CAR! Its a $2k P.O.S. but it gets me from here to there and my bike is in storage - no more riding down the highway for me (anyone remember that drama). I've started a new job - its very demanding. I've joined a divorce support group in my new area...it gets me out in the evenings twice a month. I just sit there and cry in the company of others for two hours...that can't be healthy? I still wish I had health insurance because I know I am deeply depressed. Some days I cannot lift my face to look at others.

I still miss ex-P; I still think about him all of the time. The OW and her child finally moved in to his new McMansion about a month ago. I don't hear from him anymore, except through the messages he CCed me on to our realtor when she was trying to get him to sign papers. Its been six and a half months since this all began, and he's out of my life for good. Almost twenty years gone in an instant. A whole life dismantled. I guess it really was all a lie all of these years.

Sometimes he'll pop up briefly, just to sound like he's still involved and checking in. Offered several weeks ago (out of the blue) to come over and fix my computer last week because OW was going out of town (it was broken when he left me). Of course, he later canceled with annoyance as though I had made the request of him. Very strange. None of this involved us speaking directly to one another. I have no contact with him except (if necessary) by email. Yet he still responds to every email by leaving me a voicemail - or two or three. I wish he would no do that because I am not interested in hearing his voice or the details of his happy new life (like "OW trusts me to babysit her child!!"...well she better, you all are a 'family' now.) It just rips the scab right off of my heart.

I wonder how he sleeps at night doing what he's done. I wonder how he looks in the mirror.

I've continued to lose a lot of weight. Its getting to be a problem now, so I'm working on that. I'm scraping by, paying my bills. If I look forward to doing this for any number of years I don't know how I will stay afloat.

I know the Lord will provide. The Lord will provide. Its been six months and the Lord provided a place to live, a job, and a car. I just wish the Lord would provide some therapy...OR SOME DIVINE JUSTICE!

Well, that's all I've got. I imagine that he will be married or expecting a baby with OW within the next few months. That was their plan, and they seem to be on schedule.

GOD, when are you coming with justice?

[~¤DG¤~]

Alone-

I just want to give you a big hug because I can tell that your hurting.
You will be ok, these things take time but in the end you will be ok.

Can you apply for state aid at all? Or see if you can find a therapist who may accept payment plans or have a sliding fee scale?

The divorce group is a great idea. Even if all you do is cry.
Heck I have cried at pretty much every one of my IC sessions and I've been going for 9 months now. It's normal, and you have to let those feelings out.

[♪CS♪]

AA35, you have provided me with some great posts, I appreciate them all.

Don't look for justice in HIS UNhappiness. Look for justice in YOUR happiness.

Ask God for the strength to achieve it.

I know you will.

[AloneAt35]

Thanks DG and Country Song.

DG, I've applied for a sliding-scale community health service and had to get a letter from my employer - so humiliating, but I need some mental health help, I know I do.

CS, you are right, I need to try to find some happiness. My goals need to shift. You are an amazing survivor of having your own heart ripped out, so I know it can be done.

I know I have to look where I started from...not thinking I could survive and here I am six months later. Happiness just seems so far off. It seems years away.

[25yearsmlc]

"when is God bringing justice" to whom? You? Your ex P? OW?

what are you asking for, them to get the plague? Or you Winning the lottery?

hey it's not God's doing that got you here. A man wronged you. You allowed it.

Man has free will, and so do you.

You stayed with a man who never married you, and you didn't prepare yourself financially for life on your own.

You saved little money and owned no joint assets - so you were willingly as vulnerable as possible, for a long time.

(You think those were God's choices for you?)

But you found the strength and intelligence and resources to learn fast! (There HE is) And you got yourself a car! And a job!

But don't blame God for not fixing ex bf for you, OR for the choices your ex bf made and is making.

God isn't in charge of your life or happiness- you are.

And if you want justice, or what's fair...HEY talk to Africa....

As for your ex bf, I would probably tell him that you are not interested in being his friend b/c honestly it's a joke. He tells himself another lie so he can sleep at night.

Friends don't do what he did to you. Maybe toss in that you wonder how he lives with himself--

oh wait, I know how, he takes polls of people whom he pays, to tell him that he owes you nothing...

but YOU ought to end the needless suffering his contacts bring you.


Besides, if there's a chance for a recon down the road, it's going to be awhile AND

the actual risk of losing you has not occurred to him.

(why would it? Sorry but I had to ask...)

This belief he has that you'd take him back no matter what he does/says, or how long he takes (and I'm not sure he's wrong)

that belief just prolongs his explorations of the R with OW & 'playing house" without the hassle or responsibility of actually BEING a father.

So how do YOU rid him of it? At DBing we accept we don't have the secret info or answers to make someone feel something...

but we are pretty good at knowing what does not work. You enable him and

The least you can do is not enable him to feel noble about how he's treated you.

Stop the needless contacts and most if not all, are needless. Either ignore his messages

or outright tell him that your healing from what he did and his contacts slow that down.

(and he knows what he did, no matter what lies he tells himself)

As for his R w/OW...You know, the best "revenge" or JUSTICE that will come of this, is

YOU, LIVING A LIFE WELL...


THey've only been a "family" for a month? Don't bet on them being a "family" this time next year.

OMG- His excitement and pride that he'd be "allowed" to sit for a kid sounds pathetic.

I'd trust a 12 y/o to do that. I have!


And if we are all wrong and this r w/OW works out the way he hopes and everyone in that house is happy and fulfilled-then I guess it's good he found out now.

But that still leaves you in the lurch.

Alone (can we change that screen name soon-To one w/ a little more PMA?)

Why didn't you ever tell your bf what an awfully cold SOB he was to you? I never understood why you didn't speak up for yourself more.


DBing does not say to be a doormat.

And hey, Don't sell yourself short.

You've made an amazing amount of progress. Keep at it.

((( )))

[AloneAt35]

The Plague.

[Telemark]

Great post, 25...as usual.

AA35,I can feel your pain and despair through your post. I empathize with you. You and I have been traveling this road for the same amount of time (I also got bombed in March).

Forgive me if this has been discussed before, but according to your sig lines, you've been with XP since you were 15 1/2? And he was 23 1/2? So emotionally you were both children, and neither of you had the opportunity to mature on your own. His departure threw you into a world you have never known and were not prepared to deal with. Right into the deep end of the pool; sink or swim.

Read the words 25yearsmlc has written and take them to heart. You've been able to get a job, an apartment, a car and to find a support group all in about 7 months. Some people may take years to get to that point, if at all. There are still a lot of loose threads in your life; that's normal. Everyone has those. Your raw nerves magnify the intensity of those loose threads.

I'll guess your XP and his relationship with the OW fill your head constantly. You think of how "happy" they are in their new little life and how much you are struggling to stay mentally, emotionally and financially afloat, right?

Yeah...me, too. And it doesn't change anything.

One of the biggest hurdles you, I and most others on this forum face is to not let our WAS's and WAP's constantly invade our thoughts. That is paralyzing. It prevents us from moving forward, from seeing ourselves as worthy, desirable people and from Getting A Life. Every time we let them back into our lives - whether it is by continued contact or simply by thinking of them - we allow them to direct our steps. We think we can save our relationships by prostrating ourselves and exposing our soft underbellies in the hope they will see what cruel and thoughtless people they have been.

That never works.

As 25 said, the best revenge is a life well-lived. Adopt the mind that allows you to live as if your XP did not exist. I know, that's much easier said than done, but it is the only way you will get through this and come out on the other side. Don't look for God's justice in the form of revenge against them; look for it in His care and comfort for you.

Every ounce of energy you spend thinking of them is an ounce of energy you did not spend taking care of yourself.

And that is the most important task you have in front of you.

[AloneAt35]

Thanks Telemark, yes, you are exactly correct on the ages when we met (though in our defense, he didn't 'date' me till I turned 16 because we waited on that aspect of the R). I screwed up my life BIG TIME. Why did I do that?

After he left, I had the weirdest dreams. The dreams were that my life was like it was before I met him: I was in tenth grade with my tenth grade friends, going to choir, ballet lessons, riding the 'late bus', doing high school stuff with my high school friends. It was so weird, it went on night after night after night - I'd close my eyes and BINGO, I was back in 10th grade. Then it dawned on me that I was dreaming that because it is the only life I know without him...and I can't go back to THAT! I never felt so lost.

I got very little 'life skills' between then and now, and now I am learning at light speed and the FEAR is so overwhelming that I will lose it at any moment. Like tomorrow I have to order checks from the bank, I have never done that and I actually feel fear and dread over doing it.

It is so much easier when he doesn't contact me. I shudder when I hear his voice, see his emails or anything.

Thanks for your support. Yes, the thoughts consume me, yet I have no pretense of him ever coming back.

Its just the way it is. Boy everything he ever complained about me after he left, I've changed: I'm independent, don't rely on anyone for anything, I'm skinny as a rail, I work all the time...I guess that I made all of the changes that would have attracted him back but it didn't work. OW won.

Another bad thing is that you would not believe the men that see a single woman and get too friendly, and I don't like that at all.

Even in my support group (which is at CHURCH!), I feel weird that there are men there. Strange men who want to sit right next to you and give you a too long hug.

That is life now I guess. Ugh. Internet support is so much easier.