My wife and I have been physically/sexually separated for 7+ years, but still live together (here in Sweden) for the sake of the kids, and because we like the house. She had an affair 5 years ago, but now there is nothing on either part, again for the sake of the kids.
We had a talk this morning, where she said that marrying me was a mistake (I was a 'project' for her, but now she realizes that you can't change people), that buying our fixer upper house was a mistake (she does 90% of the fixing), and that I am not assertive enough (I am not assertive), without an inner person.
She thinks we should split up in about 2 years, when our daughter will begin high school. She also thinks marriages should last maybe 5-10 years only. Seeking professional help is out of the question for her (she is proud, strong and does not want to depend on anyone).
What am I to do? I love her and the kids, but could also imagine moving to another country. Divorcing now would have the advantage of reducing what I need to pay her in social security later. We could still live together even though we are divorced (for the kids again). All this cold rejection is painful.
From a sunny Sweden -
LuckyLuke
53, married 25 years, separated 7, 2 kids: 13 and 17
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hej! I�m sorry you�re going through this. I know it can be tough. I was left once, though now I�m the one who is doing the leaving.
The cold rejection certainly is painful, and there are two things I know about it.
First, is that even if your WAW doesn�t show it, this is probably very heart wrenching for her and cold rejection is one way for her to cope. That means that you shouldn�t take it personally. How she acts toward you isn�t about you, it�s about what she needs to do to leave you. If you love her, you�ll understand that she�s doing something very hard (leaving) and has very good reasons that you may not be able to understand. Her very good reasons may not even be entirely true or rational or they might be, but they are hers and you have to respect that. If you argue with her, she will only fight harder to get away. If you try to understand (even the incomprehensible) you�ve got a chance at remaining her friend.
The second thing I know is that you can survive it. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, get a copy. In the meantime, you should practice GAL (getting a life). That means putting your energy into taking care of yourself and your family, going out with friends, practicing or taking up hobbies. These are things that you should be doing for yourself no matter what the state of your marriage, but tend to slip over time and go flying out the window after one spouse walks away. Getting a life does two things for you: 1) it distracts you from the pointless abyss of pondering about your relationship with your wife and 2) it shows your wife that you�re still the cool person that she married. It seems odd that she wants to officially call it quits between the two of you, now, but wants to wait two years to move on it. On the other hand, if you want to work things out that gives you two years to bust your divorce. You can start with what she said.
What did she mean by you were a project? What was it she was trying to fix? Is it something you can or want to fix about yourself?
It also seems as though you�re saying she doesn�t want the responsibility of being the fixer of a fixer-upper house. Is the work at a standstill? Is it always something that has to be dealt with? Could you help her more with the house? Could you hire a contractor to help? Can you sell the house and change the situation? As the victim of an extended renovation, I know it can be very depressing when it goes on for years and seems never ending. One starts to wonder if one�s life is just going to be one long tedious project, and it�s not hard to imagine seeking an escape route.
Finally what�s this about you not being assertive? How much justification is there behind what she says? And who the heck does she think she is sitting in judgment on your assertiveness? If she thinks you lack assertiveness now, chances are she�s always thought that and at some point thought it was charming. I�ve found that a person�s strongest traits are usually both attractive and annoying. In relationships, it seems that it�s the responsibility of one person to endure the annoying behavior in order to reap the benefits of those occasions when it�s useful, and it is the other person�s responsibility to temper the behavior so that it�s not annoying all of the time. Likely your lack of assertiveness impacts her in some concrete way that you can tackle, even if this isn�t something you can fundamentally change about yourself. For instance, if she�s always the one who has to call the plumber and negotiate terms, then maybe you can steal yourself for an occasional round with the plumber, just so that she doesn�t have to do it. Or if she asks what you want for dinner, make a suggestion rather than saying, �Whatever is fine with me.�
That�s just a little food for thought. I am curious, though� why would you leave the country?
Thanks for the feedback about my �planning and saying to � WAW. Your point about her cold rejection being a coping mechanism was good, consoling even, and gave me food for thought. Having read, but forgotten most of, DB a few years ago, it was good to be reminded not to push.
Yes, I respect and understand her reasons. By �project � she means taking me, a mostly introverted fresh college graduate, with no fashion sense, nerdish, , marrying the raw material, and converting Mr. Bean into James Dean. She wants an alpha male (and has pointed out examples of these among our friends) and asked why I can�t be more like them. Previous boyfriends were football stars, Porsche drivers, motorcyclists, etc.
She is a dominant, testosterone laden woman, with strong opinions on many things. Apparently I don�t do many things correctly, though her frequency of saying so has gone down over the last year.
She is also competitive � we have both run a marathon, she in a bit over 4 hours, me in a bit under 6. This wasn�t good enough for her�
The GAL point is also good. Sometimes life just seems like get up, run every other day, read the paper, work a long day, read or listen to music, sleep; repeat the next day. I am not good with people, especially in a group, and so am sometimes clueless about what to do to friendshipwise.
The two years thing is because our daughter will enter high school in two years. Getting into a good one is competitive here, and so we don�t want to mess it up for her by divorcing before.
She also claims that I am acting when I am with people. Yes, I adapt to my environment � speech, gestures, etc � but do not see what is wrong with this. Apparently she is ashamed of me when we are seen together at parties, thinking that others also see this acting.
So I wonder if there is an become an alpha male course, or whether assertiveness training would help. The weird thing is that I can be assertive in a professional context, but have problems in a social one.
The house renovation thing I don�t feel bad about. She is a perfectionist with many plans, and so that makes lots of work. I have done maybe 10% of the renovation work, but financed 90% of it. Our income disparity (me 90%, she 10%) may be a sore point here, but I ignore it. The leaving the country thing is because it would be adventurous to do so. I enjoy new countries, and might also better be able to forget her if I were in a new place. Anyway � thanks again for your feedback �
LL
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
What�s coming across here is that she doesn�t have realistic expectations. To actually want to transform you is unreasonable, and to set standards for you and elaborate on how you don�t meet the mark is discounting your real worth. You shouldn't have to be an alpha male or alpha female to get some say in your life. Good alphas take their pack into consideration; it's part of the responsibility of being an alpha.
I love strong women (being one myself) and there�s nothing wrong with one person having a more dominant personality in the relationship, but it sounds to me like she�s not taking you into consideration at all.
This could be because she feels like she�s been neglected for so long that she�s disengaged, in which case you could do more to share things with her like working on the house. That may be hard, since you are the primary breadwinner, but it�s doable. She may also respond to your appreciation of the work she�s done or even just sharing ideas (i.e. establishing intimacy). Perhaps you should read The Five Love Languages. It�s a good book about how to show you care in a way that the other person will truly understand.
Sadly, her lack of consideration could also be that she�s one of those people who lacks empathy and she simply doesn�t care what you think or want, in which case trying to create intimacy with her could make more frustration and misery for you than it would solve problems. It is a little disconcerting that the two of you are competing with one another.
If you want to stick it out the two years for your daughter to get into high school, that�s up to you. You understand that situation better than I. (My knowledge of the Swedish educational system is 20 years old and second hand.) Would there be a stigma of divorce that could affect her or are you more concerned about derailing her academically with a family drama?
Even if you decide to try building more intimacy and less competition with your wife you still ought to GAL. Got any ideas?
BTW, Psychology Today in its October 2010 issue (www.psychologytoday.com). It�s called Revenge of the Introvert. It�s about differences between introverts and extroverts, and why the stigma of being an introvert isn�t warranted.
