Nearly 5 years but who is counting?

[forward]

MMF:

Are you good with swords? Challenge the SO to a duel!

OK, I am being facetious (mostly).

Here's my point. The guy who is always there is easy to walk all over. That guy is NOT the stuff of romance novels.

She's telling you to back off. You are insisting that she doesn't need the space. You are not listening to her.

[missmyfriend]

Forward, unless I start dating, she (my wife) will not be "happy". I will not date someone to make her happy nor will I do it to make someone else happy, i.e. friends, other family, or people on this board. I have been told by lady friends that I should date because I'm not getting any younger. LOL!

I'm also not worried if my W is seeing me as a man who respects himself or if she feels threatened because I have moved on. My focus is on what I need to do to be the best father and best husband and man according to what He wants. No one else's opinion should matter if I want to really be close to God. Too much of this world is really messed up because of what other people think. And the best therapist is God. He has a manual to tell us how to be as people.

I have had enough heart-to-heart talks with God (no, I don't hear him audibly but through the daily things that happen in my life, what I get out of scripture and knowing in my heart through the holy spirit what I should do) to realize that I need to follow Him and no one else, unless what other persons say is tested against scripture.

And if we go by what Michele says, it could be quite some time for my W to get through to the other side, if she is in an MLC. If not, I haven't lost anything because I end up with a more real relationship and hopefully a father that my children will be able to count on for guidance.

If my W ends up seeking Him and we still do not have a restored M, I will be happy knowing that she is better off than any other time in her life. I care about my W and my kids eternal life more than I worry about the here and now.

[missmyfriend]

Forward, something I forgot to add is that I do not call my W unless it is to discuss the children. And I dont ask her for anything, including money that she would owe me according to what her lawyer put in the divorce decree.

I don't discuss my desire to see my family restored with anyone except my mother and a friend from my bible study (and here, of course).

My W knows that I am not the kind of person to make a promise and break it. Her comments are likely that of feeling guilt.

How do I back off when I'm not advancing or seeking her out? I see her only at the kids "functions". Even then, I don't do anything more than make polite small talk. Have I said something to make you think otherwise?

[forward]

MMF,
What struck me is that your mom is reporting things back to you about your X's behavior. Do you really want to allow that?

Your X seems to feel that you are still attached. I guess I wonder--can you forge a new R with her if you never really severed the old one?

As far her not being happy until you are dating someone else--well, whether you are or not is none of her business now--it probably wouldn't hurt to close off her view into your life.

I did not date for years after X moved out. And I respect what you are saying--that you want to focus on being w/kids. I did that and do not regret it. But I also spent time really looking at the R. It has not been easy for me to let X go, and in some ways I still have not entirely--although I do feel that I am able to see the R more objectively. There are still times when I miss him. But I also realize that there are aspects of him that are part of that package and that I do not miss.

The person who I thought I was in a happy R with is also the person who is capable of being very self-centered. MLC may be an explanation but I am not sure that I respect X any more in terms of how he treated both me and D.

[forward]

Also, I would consider asking her for the money. Why do you not feel that it would be the right thing to do?

[missmyfriend]

@Cadet - I'm standing according to biblical principles.

[missmyfriend]

@forward - My W can see into my life through the kids. While I never question the kids about their mom and what she is doing, my kids have remarked comments their mom has made. Even then, I don't respond to what they say by trying to get messages back to her. Considering she has her masters in counseling and she also went through the divorce parenting programs required by the state, she is doing the opposite of what is taught (and common sense) so as not to put the kids in the middle of this.

Something I am a little confused about is my mom reporting back to me what she perceives. It doesnt bother me. She is also a Christian and, something I am quite proud of, while she isn't happy with what has happened, she doesn't speak ill of her DIL. Why would I have an issue with what she says to me? This has been extremely hard on her.

My W may have changed but I am not worried about that. I've known her for 25+ years and have seen her change in various ways before this happened. I think that my focus is not on her but on my R with God. If she changes again (who doesn't) we will see where it takes her. Further away or closer. I have no idea.

On a side note, while you may think I am appearing wimpy to my W and therefore, less attractive, I am more concerned with a woman who respects a man that puts his family first. I am less attracted to a woman who is shallow and cannot think of someone who is more interested in living 1 Corinthians 13.

I have decided to "put away my sword" and forgive her, her lovers, her friend (and myself). I cannot change her or make her decide to come back to me. It is truly up to God to take care of this. I trust Him.

[Dawn of Hope]

MMF,
I know you have already heard this, but I want to offer my support and encouragement for the approach you are taking. I'm doing almost exactly the same thing you are, although the circumstances are a little different (still legally M, for one). I firmly believe that it is the right thing to do in God's eyes, no matter how many people think it's ridiculous, whether or not they are believers. I cannot speak for anyone else or what God tells them, but if I think God is telling me to do something and I don't do it, I'm at fault. Following what I believe to be divine instructions is sometimes extremely difficult and/or unpleasant, but it gives me peace, despite the occasional Greek chorus of dissenters.

I also want to say that miracles do happen. This is going to sound tongue-in-cheek, but I'm actually serious: If my 19-year-old cat (which is 90-something in cat years!) can start using the litterbox consistently, after more than THREE YEARS of refusing to so much as set foot in one, with no apparent reason beyond a change of residence, I will definitely count that as a miracle. I believe it would be on par (in unlikelihood, at least) with the possibility of M restoration. And if you don't, well, all I can say is that you haven't been the one trying to get years' worth of urine out of the carpet of a house you were trying to sell.

Keep soldiering on down that narrow road, MMF, and everyone else who wants God's will more than their own desires. Keep that antenna tuned to God, and allow yourself to make course corrections as needed.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[forward]

MMF,
Perhaps it is time to have a discussion w/kids about privacy among parents and ask them to stop the reporting.

Perhaps it is also time to tell your mom to stop reporting on your X. It is not your business and it may keep you in a bad place. Plus--keep in mind that your X thinks that you are too connected still.

If you really love her, perhaps you need to honor what she is saying there and give her the space that she wants.

And while I honor your desire to be loving, perhaps you are not being loving to yourself OR your X by not standing up for yourself. You can ask for the money. You may be doing your X a favor by doing so.

Sometimes love is tough.

[missmyfriend]

@forward - I appreciate your trying to help (and here is the BUT); the thing is, if you went back to my earliest posts going back to a couple months after my bomb, you'd notice that people were telling me to not be so hard on myself and realize that some of the blame falls on my W.

As you can tell, I purposefully don't call her my X but my W because I believe that while we are divorced in man's law, I believe we are still married in God's eyes. I know you are intentionally referring to her as my X to probably try to have me accept that she is gone.

Forward, I know she is gone. But neither you nor I, nor anyone else knows if that is permanent. I was a believer before my W left, for many, many years but I wasn't following Christ like I should. Over the past five years, I went from getting close to Christ because of my sadness and loneliness to the point where I am grateful that I had my eyes opened that I was being double-minded, which is worse than being either cold or hot (are you familiar with these verses?).

The scripture that I read are no longer just words on a page. They really mean something to me. This is why I can say that if I had a choice to go back to having my wife at home they way things were before (but without the relationship with God) or to be where I am now (relying on Him for everything), I would prefer the current situation.

I am not trying to assume that you are or are not a believer. I really have no idea but I do know that people who aren't believers consider my stand insane. I really don't care what they think. In fact, I don't know how people make it day by day without Him.

Back to the point I am trying to make. You may not believe me but I do not have anything to do with my W except when their are graduation parties (the situation I mentioned several posts above), graduation ceremonies, taking my daughter down to her first year of college, orchestra recitals for my youngest, and other kid activities. I don't even sit next to my W. I don't speak in innuendos, etc.

I have repeated in several posts, responding to the same comments you have made (and I am responding for anyone else that is standing according to biblical reasons), that I am not entering into her space. The only time I come within any distance are for situations where there is no other choice. I don't really understand why you are stuck on the space issue. I am not certain if you are having issues with me since I am a man or another reason but it is as though you either are ignoring what I am saying or you don't believe that I don't intrude on her space.

Regarding the issue with my mom, I still am confused about how she could be reporting back to me about my W when my mom sees my W even less than I do. She saw her at my Ds graduation and at the grad party but other than that, she doesnt see her.

Forward, I think something about me or my story irritates you. I'm not sure if that is an accurate assessment. If it isn't, I would highly recommend you ask questions about me and my situation before drawing conclusions. There is very little I won't share.

I apologize if I am coming across as a little harsh but my response has to do with the frustration I am feeling covering the same comments you have made several times.

This is not condemning but do you read the bible, i.e. are you a believer? There are several books in the bible I could refer you to as to why I am standing in this fashion.