The strange absences you describe in your initial post make me wonder whether your husband was disappearing to talk to a lover. Is it possible he's having an affair?
No other then the day before he left he's never been mysterious. He says there is no one else he just needed to make a hard decision about what he wanted in life. His friends and family also say there is no one else.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
He tells me there is no one else. His parents (whom he is currently living with) and his friends tell me there is no one else. I have always trusted him and until the day before he left there were no unexplained absences.
I didn't getuch sleep last night. That and the fact we've been playing happy families today has gotten to me. Just had to get out of the motel unit as i was starting to bet really teary. We are the best of friends and get on great I just can't work out why he won't try to work on us.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Yes it is true. I admit I have intimacy issues. I have two small kids (twins) run my own full time business plus do all household chores. I believe this is quite common after being married for a while and having kids.
I disagree. Not having sexual interest in your h is NOT common at this age. Life's demands do take a toll on us, but we will never "have the time" for intimacy. We have to "make the time" for intimacy.
While it is reported that many women have temporary drops in their libido after the birth of the 2nd child, this usually returns within 24 months.
In the meantime, most wives find that they ML with their h's b/c it's important to them to have intimacy even if they (the wife) won't "get their cookies".
Sex is about comforting, expressing love, holding each other, and yes, sometimes doing it just for him.
Sex isn't all about one's libido.
My h's mother died and h wanted to ML NOT b/c he "in a sexual mood" so much as he needed comforting.
When our d22 graduated from college, we felt celebratory. It was a proud moment for us. We ML with a totally different flavor.
To reiterate, sex is NOT just about libido. If it were, women with little kids would only have sex twice a year til the kids were 4 or 5. Some would never have it b/c they may have low sex drives.
To me, that's like saying 'oh, I can't taste food...OH WELL..."
Don't accept that! Reject it.
Carrying the metaphor farther, let's say that you physically could not taste food....So, would you stop eating?
No, b/c you want to live.
To many husbands, sex is food for their souls, their hearts, their bodies, and their egos as manly lovers. Don't starve him.
Maybe you can see a doctor to get your libido back. I did and it helps. BUT
in the meantime, Don't blow off the importance of this.
As I approach menopause and find my libido naturally physically dropping, I also find other physical issues arising that interfere with sexual pleasure on my end.
So I went to 3 doctors/specialists and am now on HRT, and the physical cause of some symptoms will be addressed in a procedure done to address it b/c
I refuse to surrender intimacy in my m b/c I need it AND...
because it's very important to my h. It's his Love Language.
So I urge you to read "Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Your h may not care nearly as much about having a "tidy house" as he does about being sexually desired.
I've always made sure our house is tidy, laundry is done and dinner is cooked when he gets home. The last thing on my mind at the end of a busy day is sex. He never said he had issues with this.
Well the tidy house was not his love language so it did nothing for his ego. While doing housework may be your way of showing him love, iF it's not how he feels loved,then it's not how he feels loved....
Did he ever initiate sex and get rejected?
That's him telling you he wanted to be intimate. If he stopped asking, perhaps he got tired of being rejected.
I actually thought over the last year we had turned a corner with this. I know the spark that was there 14 years ago is gone. How do you KNOW this? What was said, what stopped happening? Why'd you think you "turned a corner"?
I've tried to organize date nights etc but he didn't like someone we don't know looking after the kids.
You'll never "have the time"...you "MAKE THE TIME". If you care enough it happens. Again, read the Five Love Languages.
Before I saw that piece of your post, my first thought was he was doing drugs.
Hence the sudden brief absences and physical symptoms...now, I am 50/50 on that. IF he feels terrible guilt about OW, OR Drug use, he may be panicking.
Something is triggering the symptoms.
Have you gotten the Div Busting and Div Remedy books? I suggest reading the 2nd one first
b/c Div Busting talks a lot about why div is bad & then gets to some solutions, whereas the Div REMEDY book
gets to the solutions part faster.
Read that asap. And read The Five Love Languages b/c the one thing in your situation I'm fairly sure of,
is that you are not "loving" him in his love language.
Keep posting and dig deep to see what your role is in this.
Newsflash--you want to have a role in this crisis!
Why?
B/C then you are not powerless. THEN you can change and THEN
your h can see that marriage to you could be better than before, which [b]he has to believe, to come back
[/b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So, shouldn't he have come to her and expressed these concerns before it got to this point? I mean come on. NOw we have to mind read and if we don't do that once again WE the LBSers have failed. When do they take responsibility?
So, shouldn't he have come to her and expressed these concerns before it got to this point? I mean come on. NOw we have to mind read and if we don't do that once again WE the LBSers have failed. When do they take responsibility?
this site is not about fixing the WAS...it's about what WE can do to help our situations. It's solution based, not blame based.
and SHE said SHE has intimacy issues, not him. He said he did not feel loved by her.
She's still defending that. How does making her 'right" help?
How is that requiring her to read his mind?
I asked her questions...waiting for answers Sometimes We have to choose between being "right", or being happy.
There are people here who genuinely want to be declared "right" [i]--even if that prideful ego costs them the chance they have at saving a m.[/i]
The best news a person can get when they are in marital crisis and see a mc, is that
THEY are wrong or have a flaw that needs work. WHY?
B/C then they are not powerless...
then, they can DO SOMETHING to help their m.
I ask you again, is it better to be "right" or happy?
My h wronged me. Yep he sure did. True, I played a role but in the grand scheme of things, he wronged me. Most of my mistakes were in reaction to his wronging me...sooo
Was it irrepairable? I think not, since we recon and I feel closer to h than before.
So if I were to use your reasoning, I should have done...what?? Divorce him? Waited for the grand apology before working on ME??
Wait and wait...for [i]HIM to do or say[/i] what??
I grew from this experience and became a better partner. I'm glad about that
even though I wish it had occurred for other reasons.
If someone goes through this hellish nightmare and isn't a better person afterwards....
then THEY have made the situation worse.
My questions address that so regardless of what happens with their m, she will
be a better woman for it. Hopefully this will help her m.
How does making her H WRONG, help HER at all?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have read the five languages of love since he left. I am an act of service and he is obviously personal. I know whenever we had sex he would be happier and do more things for me in the days after. I feel like such an idiot that I didn't realise my actions were having such an affect on him. Now I have no idea how to fix it. We are OS on holidays at present. We are the best of friends. I'm doing nice things for him - should I continue to do that? He's sleeping with my son and I'm sleeping with my daughter. When we get home he's getting his own place. Every night I go to sleep with his words in my head - I can never ever see us together again - andi feel that I'm the one that drove him away and destroyed our family. When u get home I'll order the DR book.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Just reporting the full story from my other thread
My story starts back just under a fortnight ago. Hubby and I and our two kids (6 ½ year old twins) went out for dinner. Hubby had been feeling sick for a week or so which he told me was the side effect of taking some glucosamine supplements. We ordered our meal and sat to wait for it – he said he felt sick and disappeared to the toilet for about 15 minutes. He came back we ate, put the kids in the kids club and went to play the pokies. We played for a while – he won a jackpot – I gave him a kiss, etc. Then he came to me and said his head was spinning and he needed to go for a walk. I thought this was strange but with him being sick and he’d had a beer I thought fair enough. He disappeared for about half an hour – came back in and I asked if he was ok? and if he wanted to go home. He said we better – so we got the kids and went home. When we got home, put the kids to bed, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie with me – he said no he’ll probably just go to bed. So I went to watch my movie. I had changed into my pj’s, but he hadn’t. He came and sat on the couch with me for a while. I said are you ok? He said yeah just need some sleep. He then left, and came back again – I again asked if he was ok. He said yeah. Then he left and I thought he’d gone to bed. After my movie finished I went to go to bed and found him still fully dressed standing in the kitchen. We then both went to bed. Again I asked him if he was ok, and he said he just needed sleep. I asked him if he wanted a cuddle and he said no. Fast forward to the next day. We get up, he makes breaky for the kids, I do the washing and such. He had a work thing to go to at 1pm in the next town. It was 9.30am and I wanted to go into town. So I asked him what time he would be leaving at? He said well actually I was going to go and have lunch with my parents. I was annoyed – he can do that any week day – he didn’t want to spend time with his family on the weekend. So I told the kids they would have to come with me – so of course they complained a lot, and ran and asked daddy why they couldn’t stay with him. I stupidly said that daddy doesn’t want to spend time with us. Anyway we went out – he promised to put the next load of washing on the line for me. We came back just over half an hour later and he was gone. My son said daddy took his work stuff, but I didn’t notice. Fast forward to around 6pm. I get a phone call from him saying he’s at his parents and not coming home – nothing still clicks as he said they would be having a few drinks and I thought he’d just drunk too much and couldn’t drive home. I ask him what I’ve done. He said that he feels numb, that I don’t let him talk, that I don’t like the same things as he does, that I don’t socialise with his friends etc. I was a blubbering mess and had one kid in the shower so I had to go and deal with them – he said we’d talk tomorrow. I really felt like my whole world has just crashed on me. On the Friday before he left he booked one of the last bits of our overseas holiday (we leave next Tuesday).
So next day I sent him an email asking for help. The first reply said that he was sorry if it came as a shock, but he’s been feeling this way for a long time. He wanted to talk, wanted me to know where he’s coming from. He was sorry for taking off but needed to talk to someone so went to his parents. He felt better after getting it all out. He did try to talk to me Saturday night but it didn’t happen. He was staying at his parents till he worked things out. He was coming home that night to talk.
He came home and told me he felt numb. That we had grown apart and would have to change to make this work, and we shouldn’t have to change. I said this isn’t what I want. I am willing to work on it, see a counsellor etc. He said his decision was made. He’d had doubts for a long time – years back when we built our first house (10 years ago), when we had kids (7 years ago). He had been talking to friends at work and realised our marriage wasn’t normal. That maybe in a week, a month, six months he’ll change his mind. That maybe we got together too young (he was 20, I was 23 – we were each other’s first – together for 13 ½ years, married 7 ½ years) Maybe he needs to see if the grass is greener on the other side. That he wanted to remain friends for the sake of the kids. He still wanted to go overseas for the sake of the kids and for me not to do anything stupid. I asked like what. He said taking silly advise from my sister and parents (my sister is a lawyer). I told him that if I listened to them that the locks would have been changed already and the bank cleared out.
He then left me and went back to his parents so I could process it all. I sent him another email the next day replying to his talk from the night before. I told him it was unfair to not work on this. That he can’t just up and leave because it’s boring. He responded to that telling me that he’s let a lot of things chip away at his emotionally for years. That he’s counted the number of times I refused sex, that I went limp in his arms, that I haven’t kissed him back, that even after he changed his sleeping habits to go to bed later, I started coming to bed even later. That by going to counselling we should be asking us to what we aren’t, and he would be left thinking I changed for him and vice versa. He said it’s not fair to live like that with his getting more and more pissed off with life and the kids suffering. He wants to make things work for the kids. That we can’t live together anymore, but we have common ground with our kids. He’s let all this get to the point where he can never see us being together again.
I replied and thanked him for his honesty and realised a lot of it was my fault. That what is in the past is in the past and it can’t be changed. He said it’s both our faults, but we need to talk to the kids together to tell them what is happening. He then came home last weekend, slept in the lounge room, we chatted briefly about still going away together and then next morning he got up and took the kids to his parents for the weekend.
I had a mini breakdown this week and emailed him saying I wasn’t coping, that I didn’t want to beg but I wanted him to come home and talk to me. He said he’d come but deep down his decision was made. That he’s realised we’d both have to change a lot and it’s not fair. That maybe he’ll regret the decision in six months. He doesn’t know. At this stage he has thought about this too long and can’t see it working anymore. It has nothing to do with him wanting his youth back either. I told him not to bother coming to talk then.
Then I gave up on him. Told him that if that’s his decision he needs to get himself organised, come and get his stuff and return his keys. He got taken back a bit by that and wanted to know why I wanted his keys back – he wasn’t going to come and take stuff. I needed to trust him. I told him that he’d just told me the last x amount of years were all a lie – I didn’t know what to believe. He replied saying he was sorry if it came across that way – it wasn’t a lie. He just felt like it got to the point that there was nothing between us and accepted that to some extent and tried to move on.
So that’s where we are at. I’m avoiding contact with him. We are going overseas together for 13 days. Will be sleeping in separate rooms and when we get back he’s getting his own place. We are getting together Monday to talk about joint assets and custody to the kids.
I still love him desperately and I know I have shown him my love with how he likes (intimacy) – I have shown it by doing nice things for him, cooking nice meals, looking after our kids, our house, etc. Is there hope?
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
