My wife and I have been separated since Thanksgiving of 2010. We’ve a pretty good marriage despite of allot of arguing due to her mother living with us. We have been together for 21 years (since we were 17) married for 14. We have 3 beautiful kids. The oldest (13) has autism. We have been through allot together as a couple. Even though we did have more than our share of arguments, we knew that we were meant for each other.
For the last 8 years, my wife has been in school, work and trying to manage a home. Her mother is very dependent of her, actually, they are dependent of each other. Her mother acts as if she can’t manage on her own, which she very well can. Her mother had constantly interfered in the upbringing of our kids this is where most of my anger came from.
My wife had been overweight the majority of our relationship together. 6 years ago, she had a lap band surgery done. She had lost a significant amount of weight. This was followed by a tummy tuck and breast augmentation. My wife claimed she was doing it for me. I had never asked for this. She did because she was insecure.
Shortly after this surgery, her character started to change. She became obsessed with Face book and trying to look for “old friends”. Face book was something that she was strictly against in the past because she thought it brought problems to the house. I was totally against this because I know the damage that Face book can cause to a marriage and that she also wanted to show off her new looks. This was starting to worry me….
Fast forward to October 5th 2010 1:00 am in the morning, I heard a slam against the house. It was a car with two young boys that lost control and went into my backyard. I tried to pull them out but the car was a wreck. The two boys died there in my back yard. I thought she had handled it well, but now that I’m reading up on MLC and MLC triggers, I think that might have done triggered something in her. Or maybe, bought out something that was already brewing.
Come Thanksgiving, she had planned to go to theme parks. I had asked to please not to, because I feared that it might by my father’s last Thanksgiving. He is 90 yrs old. She totally blew me off and left with her mother and my kids. These theme parks are 3 hours away. After my father refused to do anything for Thanksgiving, I had asked if I could meet my wife and kids for the remainder of the holiday. She flat out told me NO! She also said that she has been needing a separation and time to “find herself”. After begging and pleading, she finally accepted and I drove the 3 hours to get there. It was no more than 2 hours before she has asked me to leave and go back home. Mind you, I got there at 10 pm! So, I respected her and left.
When I came back, I fixed up the house for Xmas so they can come back to a nice home. On the way back, she has clearly asked me to not be there when she got back. So, I left. I did so because we live with her mother and it’s her mother’s home.
Since this moment of this separation, I had asked her to please NOT mention this to anyone and to keep it within our family. Again, she wiped her but with the request and told all her friends and family. Her excuse for the separation was that the mere sight of me made her sick. She started re-writing history claiming it was 20 years of misery with me and all I did was control, dominate and make her life miserable.
When heard all of this, I was in total shock!
During these 7 months, she has been dressing provocatively, she has been talking about getting into professional dancing, then to professional photography and yesterday, she said that she wants to get into roller derby! She has been going out every night clubbing, skating and hanging out with friends to all hours of the night. She has been screaming at our kids telling them that she and their father are NEVER getting back together. She has been lying and creating fictitious stories about why I’m not at the house anymore. She has been spreading rumors of me leaving the house for another woman and that I have been physically abusive to my wife. Here is the kicker, her mother is supporting all her actions and claims that she can’t control her daughter. I’m pretty sure that if her mother was NOT in the picture, she could not be doing the things that she is right now.
During these 7 months, I had been forced to live with my father in his retirement home. I had been patiently waiting to see if she would snap out of this but it looks like she’s not. I spend all my free time at church with my worship team or with my kids. This past weekend, it was my youngest birthday party. She, again, took them to a theme park. She told me that if I wanted to go, that I would have to drive up on my own, stay in a different hotel and in the park, stay away from her and split the time with the kids! WTH!
She has broken all contact with the circle of friends and family that we had due to the reason that when they tried to talk sense into her, she claimed that they all “betrayed her”. There for, she wrote them all letters telling them that they are horrible people and she leaves them in God’s hands. She is spending all her time with single people who accept her behavior. She claims that I turned all our friends against her.
On a daily basis, she spews venomous anger and hatred towards me. She says that my feelings and resentments are pathetic and that I’m a dead beat dad. She said that I ruined the marriage and she is bringing up stuff that happened in our prom in 1990. She claims she has filed for divorce 4 months ago and I have not seen anything yet. Frankly, by the way she is acting, she could careless wither I live or die.
My question is, do you think this is MLC? How should I handle this? Any input would be greatly appreciated. I’ll keep all of you in prayer my friends.
Thanks!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
I am sorry you find yourself here but it is a good place to be.
There are many resources to read - Cadet will likely point you towards them, but if you can find Hearts Blessing's post on the 6 stages of MLC and other stuff you might see teh pattern in your wife's behaviour.
It sounds like a MLC to me, and it would be interesting to know what happened in your wife's early upbringing - there is no mentioan of her father, and her mother seems to have issues, to put it mildly.
As you will gather, if it is MLC this is a long long haul with no guarantees of the outcome. It is your journey too. Sounds as if you have an elderly and sick father . . . .
I don't know if you are working, or who is supporting your wife and family, but I would find some place to live that your children can visit if you can afford it. Work out what you need to contribute to your children, and take care of yourself. This sounds selfish perhaps but it isn't. Unless you are functioning you will not grow and be there for your children. You may well have to be both parents.
You don't sound self pitying which is very positive. It is a trauma when they do this, and accept that you may be in shock. Others will add their 2 c and remember this is what the Boards are there for - venting, advice, and support, with a lot of learning thrown in.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
She is living in our home, well, her mother’s home to be exact. Her mother has a track record of two divorces. Her first husband was very physically abusive to her. Her second, which was my wife’s father, left her for another woman before she gave birth to my wife.
My wife’s father was the EXACT definition of a deadbeat dad. She had abandoned her and never gave a penny for child support. He is VERY financially stable, yet never bothered to give my wife any financial help. He has several children through different wives. If you ask me, my wife was the pick of the litter. She WAS the kindest, sweetest and most humble of them all.
I think I am paying for her father’s sins. She is asking for a big chunk of my paycheck a week for child support. She works and makes a good living. I had supported, sacrificed and given her everything I could during our relationship. She claims that our marriage was a lie and that it has been 20 years of misery for her. I came from a broken home and so did she. All we had was each other and for her to kick me out of our home and treat me like I was the biggest S.O.B in the world has been very hurtful. I still remain in my worship team and in prayer for her.
Do you think she will end up regretting any of this?
God bless you all and thanks for the support!
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
I think she may one day regret her decisions, but then again she may not.
Just read all you can on here, and most importantly...keep praying!!!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Sorry you are here. I wanted to respond to you because your sitch sound simmilar to what happened to me. My W was overweight also for 6-7 years after 2nd s was born. Around 4 years ago she had GB surgery and lost alot. I will say after losing the weight she was looking very hot again and started to get alot of attention from other men. I think that was the begining of the end for the marriage. Pretty much heard all the same things your W said to you. Dont be surprised, if at some point being in MLC, she will blame YOU for the fact she was overweight. Something to the effect of "You never loved me and made me miserable so I ate to ease the pain". But as you probably already know, YOU were to blame for everything in her eyes.
Might want to check the courthouse also to see if she really did file. You want to make sure you legally protect yourself at this point.
ME:47 WAW:45 SON:19 SON:12 M:21 yrs T: 22 yrs BOMB: 3/26/10 EA/PA apr-may 2010 Current: no OM (I think) moved out sept 2010 D filed D w/b final 4/6/2011
Thank you for your reply. She hasn't blamed me for being overweight but, she does blame me for everything wrong in her life. She is bringing up stuff that happemd at prom 20 yrs ago. Did your wife ever regret anything?
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
Broken: Sorry to hear about your situation. These forums are a wonderful place--many wonderful, caring people who have been in similar spots. I spent a lot of time here and it helped me immensely.
You will come to see, if you haven't already, that there is little to nothing you can do to control her or where this goes.
But you can control yourself, so use this crisis to learn and grow for yourself and your kids. It's so very hard to deal with, but in time you will, if you are open to it, learn and grow. If you can get to that point, you will see that this was worthwhile. Bitterness and anger are natural. Getting beyond them, on your own terms and on your own timeline, is essential for your well being.
Protect yourself financially. Don't let her walk over you or ruin you.
At the same time, however, deepen your compassion for her and yourself. I found that once I could do that, getting through this became easier.
Well, I'm going to tell you two very contradictory things.
The first is, you need to do a better job of OWNING your part in this marriage breakdown. You talk about arguments yet you dismiss the negative effect they may have had on the marriage. You resent the mother-in-law and blame her for her daughter's actions, yet you were living in HER home? You say you supported the family well yet you only have enough money to live with your dad in his retirement home? Without knowing your sitch, it sounds like she MAY have had legitimate complaints about you being angry, ungrateful, and not a good provider. What part of this might be true and how can you change to do better?
The second, contradictory thing is - it's possible that none of this has anything to do with you. People who have gastric surgery are at increased risk for developing compulsive gambling, sex addictions, and other addictive behaviors. It is not known exactly why this happens, although it has also been seen in people treated with drugs for Parkinson's disease. Some have theorized that when you take away the food addiction, they substitute another addiction. It may have to do with the dopamine reward system in the brain.
Either way, the only thing to do is work on being a better YOU, and a better father. Your wife is going through something that you have no control over.
