basically we are seperated now what?

[blue2010]

So I posted in newcomers but thought I would seek some advice here. My W and I have basically been in house seperated since D-Day 8 months ago. Now she is spending all her days off at our summer place. This is the second week of that. Pro Marriage MC tomorrow. I have a Controlled Seperation agreement ready to discuss. (Lee Raffel MSW concept)Our contact is very limited, kids, money, I am not initiating any contact.
My W sticks to the not wanting to be married but will not answer if she wants a divorce. She has complained of feeling trapped and needing to make up for lost teen years and sensing her mortality. She has shown remorse, however as recently as 2 weeks ago I caught her in lies she opened another phone line and she will not be transparent. We now have no trust in each other. And I am teetering on just telling her to go and stay gone. Until I see her, then I won't feel that way. Ultimately I would like to repair this marriage, but I am seeing no signifigant effort on her part. I will take any advice.
Thanks

[blue2010]

The plan is to seperate, agreement made up discussed at MC. On That note why does a woman cry and get angry when you agree to give her what she wants ie:seperation?
The more I agree on seperation, display my confidence the more time we have limited contact = She calls and texts me more. She picks up son this morning and is flirty with me and very engaging with me.
So yeah seperation. 5 kids .........there's still alot of interaction.

So if anyone has some guidance that would be great. Have a great Memorial Day Weekend all!

[Queen_of_Swords]

I can only commisserate with you and say that if you haven't read Divorce Rememdy to get it and read it.
I'd also take a gander over in Midlife crisis and take a look there for familiar patterns that you may be witnessing.
As for why she cried, only she can really tell you the why, it could be a number of things. As for why she got angry well anger is usually a cover for deeper more painful emotions usually having to do with a percieved slap to one's self esteem and image of oneself.
The severe illness of a marriage and the real possibility of it dying for good isn't an easy thing to contemplate for we women, our connections to those we love are in many cases how we define ourselves.

[blue2010]

Thanks, I need to reread DR and DB, I read them when I was in my own fog, a friend has DR. I happened upon a website/forum dedicated to womens MLC and read a 15 page ebook on it. I can check off almost everything attributed to a midlife crisis in her case so i guess that maybe should be how I start viewing this. Continue with detatching GAL and deciding how long I can stand for this behavior of an adult wanting to be a teen again.
Just watched Michelles youtube on it again also. New perspective today. In the long term I know it will be OK, I just don't know what that OK will look like or how long it will take.
Sunshine blue sky healthy kids = a better day.

[blue2010]

Well tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. What does one do with that. i mentioned us seperating again and the agreement and she rolled her eyes.

She is now borderline coming up with reasons not to stay somwhere else .........Maybe I should just take the do nothing approach?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ignore the wedding anniversary. She doesn't want to be reminded.
If the separation agreement is important to you in delinating boundaries and expectations, then draft one. Unless you feel it's feeding into an old pattern of hers where she sits around and waits for you to act so she can blame you.

As for her sticking around, is it "cake eating " on her part, or do you welcome the additional reasons to DB your butt off, and make every point of contact a reason for her to rethink her position?

These are things only you can figure out.

[blue2010]

Hmmmm, love these forums they make me think constructively. Is she cake eating ..........nah because I split the bills to make it fair and she has to be responsible.

Am I DB my but off ...........................no, changing all for the better .....yes, I have identified my faults and will work on them but I do believ a complete physical seperation is needed for X amount of time.
The more I agree to a seperation the more it seems she finds herself at home even when she doesn't have to be.

A divorce care clip says the line of reconcilliation can work in a 6 month cycle with each spouse moving towards and away from it hopefully finally landing there at the same time.

Dunno..............maybe time is my friend, it does make things less bitter so far.

[blue2010]

So If the W Isn't pushing for the seperation but I feel as If I do not go through with it she will feel as though she can get away with an affair again. Also that I feel i need to seperate because I am approaching the point of not wanting to reconcile.

Today I felt like walking in and saying I am done I want a divorce. What to do? I am so sure she is in a MLC.

Need some guidance here or referral to a good thread on the same.

Thanks all.

[~ kd ~]

I suppose the big question here blue, is WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I am struggling with that question. I can't say that I WANT rec. I will be posting about that on my thread.

If you WANT controlled separation and you are telling her that's what you want, like a boundary or ultimatum, you should be following through with it. Not using it as an attempt to get her to change her mind.

Otherwise, it is NOT what you want, you should be letting your W know you've changed your mind about it and then carry on. Let her take the lead towards D on her time.

The question about whether she will go for an A if you do not give her the sep is the same as asking if LRT or dark will open the door for an A.

Nothing opens the door for an A. If your W chooses to A, it will have nothing to do with sep or LRT / Dark. She will justify it, no matter your current M sitch.

Only YOU know when you've had enough and are ready to move on.

Are you still attached, are you just loosing patience, are you done, or are you looking for some magic bullet to have her change her mind?