So my wife had an affair, D-Day back in september. I have learned alot since but now probably need different guidance from those wiser than myself. Yes I have been told I am crazy for wanting to save this M. But with 5 kids and a relationship that I thought was good I think it is worth it. I believe she built her wall brick by brick with each thing she pushed under the rug the last brick going in place last spring and then the ea/pa. We left out pro marriage councillor last week agreeing to seperate. This can be done with minimal financial impact due to we have a second seasonal place she will stay at. I was thinking a controlled seperation plan. We have only agreed since the end of last week that she will stay here/ there and then be home when needed for the kids. I am home more. The last staws that brought us to this point was her not coming homee one night and not contacting me, her sister confirms she was at her house and sick. then my W lying about buying another cell phone. Contact with the other man is supposedly over . However she has been texting new numbers. She has opened up more since we agreed to seperation. I don't understand that. I an at this point looking for guidance on the best way to handle this seperation so as to encourage reconcilliation.
I just started looking at the info around the book Should I stay or go by Lee Raffell. Where couples structure their seperation, set a time frame, agree not to. Seek divorce. Guidelines for budget and kids. Dating each other or not. Dating other people or not. This is some of what I have seen. We left the MC on thurs saying fine we'll seperate. And she has been most at ease. Confusing it is.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Just saw your post. I think maybe the way to help answer your question is to ask you to describe how you envision the controlled separation taking shape. I would say there is no right answer, every one is different. You do have to keep in mind though that its not really something you can plan too well, the only thing certain in life, but especially at at times like this, is uncertainty. Either way, let the board know how you see it playing out and some great advice should follow.
I wish you well
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
By controlled I don't mean controlling. But my W and I have basically been seperated in the same house. At the MC we argued because she is still lying. She sticks with I don't want to be married right now but will not answer the question od Do you want a divorce. But she will say change is good and maybe some space will be good. So I agreed especially because she is still lying that is a huge issue for me. We have a seasonal place it increases her commute. The kids stay with me in the marital home. I cannot/ will not stop her from seeing the kids. And they can go with her when they don't have school. Back to the controlle seperation, by that I mean having an agreement a contract sort of speak that. Says during a 3-6 month time period we will not seek divorce we will goto counciling. This is how bills will be paid. We can date each other. We agree or disagree on dating others ( that I think would just complicate things) and there were a few more things.
Whst I hope to gain from this. Hmmm a guidance a roadmap, because limbo is aging. A means to a healthy end or recovery I prefer recovery. A starting point to end this limbo. I said I would give it my all to save it after. Her A I am not done yet.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I saw seperated as being seperate, I had no control if she saw someone else.
We didn't have a legal document, we both split what was fair. She had her life and I had mine. The idea of figuring out dating, didn't come around until we we both on the same page about it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Some great quotes in your signatures. Yes, is the book you mention Should I stay or should I Go ? I have read half of it. I gave it to my W for her to read, I plan to nook or kindle it for myself also. I It actually seems like a logical idea. Seperation with a plan instead of just limbo. We are spending nearly no time together and really only discussing the children I guess that would put me in the LRT, or going dark phase. She feels she is trying.....but like trying to heal, it is all in her head. My W doesn't want to be married but can't answer the question if she wants a divorce. She had an A, she suddenly senses her mortality, finally wants to do things i have wanted to do for years, she is angry resentful, trying to make up for the teen-21 life she didn't have. Our Seasonal where she plans to spend all her off time is open until the end of october. Maybe that is a good seperation time frame. Pro Marriage MC Thursday I have a controlled seperation plan/contracted drafted and editing to work through with MC.
So If anyone has any input here or reference to old threads that may help that would be awesome.
