Thank you so much for your explanations. I realize, rock bottom is different for each person.
I dont want to assume, but I do think my H is somewhere near the end stages of his crisis. We had two great years of piecing,and I felt like my old H was coming back, only to then find the third year as a complete backslide into the MLC tunnel. I got laid off and his well respected grandfather died around the same time, and my H just started back up with all the old MLC behaviors this past year, and is now continuing to run.
I was so patient and forgiving of him, we would hardly talk about his time while in the tunnel. I dont think my H ever really came out or had a rock bottom, rather he just saw me moving on too quickly and got scared he would lose me forever.
No one that I explain it to understand the MLC thing. They all just see my H as a complete immature selfish a**-hole and want me to move on. I am afraid I am starting to feel the same way. The last few months we were together I was walking on egg-shells and felt very disrespected. When I would explain that to my H, he would blow up and turn the finger at me. He was ragefull (even kicked our dog), intorverted, depressed, egotistical, and mostly DRUNK. I felt my life spiralling down with his.
He refuses help from friends and family right now and is avoiding them. I just dont know if I should stand anymore, I am losing hope and faith that our M could ever get turned around. I know I deserve way better than what I had been getting. I am competely devestated, after DBing for so long and trying my hardest to please this man, only to find him running away again. I am so lost, standing might be unhealthy for me - but I dont know how to give up on the man I love so much. TIPPER
I am frustrated but in a peaceful way watching my WAW go through it. She has moved out and is gone for all intents and purposes. The only thing I can tell you is as a former MLC'er. The MLC'er knows when they have made it through. The fog does lift and its almost like looking at life through new eyes. I remember hating my wife for quite a few months but didn't really know why couldn't explain and even if I did it would of sounded like BS.
I feel you pain. I've been through it and have an empathy for it but still find myself deciding whether I should stand or move on.
I have a whole new life now(GAL) but find myself cycling sometimes back to sadness. I think you just do the best you can. There are no garauntees and life is short.
Please understand there is really nothing you can do for a true MLC'er. there just isn't. They are lost.
Peace be with you, be gentle with yourself and move at your pace.
I felt/feel much the same way that you do. And knowing better, read avidly anyone's experiences in order to get a sense of TIMELINE, when I know that really doesn't exist. I guess I am goal oriented. LOL
I was divorced one week ago today. As I said earlier, I am afraid he will always be too proudful to return, even if he does emerge from his tunnel. But for the moment, I am still her, watching quietly from the sidelines.
Sometimes that is all we have, and we have to protect ourselves.
Thanks so much you guys. I just went to alanon and started to feel a bit stronger. But then I got home and my H text me: "I apologize for my shortcomings, everything happens for a reason, I hope you are NOT beating yourself up over this".
I just said - "I am doing ok, thanks".
Why is he showing concern for me, is he just temperature checking, he is the one that ran away again - shouldnt he be the one beating himself up over this?
I have learned in alanon not to beat myself up. I asked my H to come home instead of going to bars everynight, and he just couldnt. It was not my fault that he is an alcoholic, I cant fix him or change him, and I did not cause it. I know that now. I tried to set boundaries, that he just couldnt handle.
Why is it that he is so concerned and being nice. My mom said, he was probably just drunk, and i agree with her (just assuming). TIPPER
IMBW Tipper, but what you just heard was the 2nd verse of "Don't you feel bad you were so mean to me and kicked me out of my house I hope you are miserable" Baby.
He hopes like he!! you are beating yourself up. Just his way of keeping his finger on your pulse.
Whether he was drunk or not is a moot point. It depends on whether he was a mean drunk or a sappy, self pitying drunk.
Thanks punkin, I am sure you are right. He is a sappy self pitying drunk, and a mean sober person. None of that matters, he was just checking to make sure I am unhappy and not moving on. I am glad I didnt show it in my text that I AM beating myself up.
I am trying to learn, how not to do that. Alanon is helping. But I cant help but to feel like I am to blame. I punished him, I begged him, I nagged him, I lost my temper with him. All the things I wasnt supposed to do.... but I cant change how I felt inside or the past events that occured.
Alanon explains that these are normal reactions from a loved one towards a drunk. They explain, they only make it worse. I am just confused as to how to let him continue his ways and still be happy and loving at the same time.
While he was still here,I tried doing just that-for a few weeks, and I felt I got even angrier. H would even text me while at the bar: "I am so happy that you love me unconditionally". So, I can tell the alanon way worked for keeping the peace, but it didnt work for making me any happier. (And that was something I tried doing before I even found alanon, as I was doing the LOVE DARE -a book on strengthening M). None of it had worked for me, It only made him feel like he could do what ever he wanted and would always have his loving caring wife to come home to.UUUUHHHHHGGGG!!!
Very frustrated, TIPPER P.S. sorry to high jack this thread, I have another one(H just left again) I will try to stay on for my topic - As I would still love to hear what others have to say about ROCK BOTTOM.
It is all very interesting and adds to my understanding of my H. He has been in awakening since Oct/Nov 2010. All replay behaviurs have gone including clothes and motorbikes etc. But OW remains and to some extent that is the only replay behaviour H has now.
He is extrmely depressed, struggling not to cry, losing lots of weight, not sleeping and admited to our D 20 that he needs alcohol to sleep.
H is business is in crisis and his debt huge.
There is nowhere to go now as he can't even afford a cup of coffee.
HJis touch and goes are increasing. He will have visited the childre 3 times this week. He is also reconnrecting with them big style. He has started to offer to do jobs around the house.
I just read this caption from the alcoholics anonymous "big book" last night. It describes ones Rock Bottom:
"One definition of a bottom is the point when the last thing you lost or the next thing you are about to lose is more important to you than the booze" (Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001)
In case of midlife crisis, I am sure you could substitute the word "booze" for anything they are seeking: pleasure, youth, OW, money, prestige,bars/clubs, attention.....etc...
This is exactely the point my brother got to when he hit his. He desired his own life over booze, and got sober and I am so proud of him - he is a rock. I went to an A.A. meeting with him for my first time today and an alanon by myself. The a.a. meeting was eye opening for me. They really cant control the power of alcohol with out a higher power, thank God some of them have found that higher power. TIPPER
hoping for change, That was a powerful message/article. Thanks.
I am afraid that my H may become suicidal again like the last time he left. The article kind of scares me, since I know this has occured to my brother but he came through and reached out for help. I am not so sure my H has the character to do that.
My M-I-L said to me last weekend, "We know he was suicidal in the past, you need to move on and live your life to the fullest, and we can not help but worry when he see's you loving your new life -maybe even a new man- that he will most likely commit suicide when he wakes up too late".
Those were his MOMS words to me. Pretty scary. I know she wasn't trying to scare me into NOT moving on, as she cant believe I have hung on and stood as long as I have.It was more of her own awareness of the situation coming out verbally. She is very supportive and a chief nurse at the hostipal she works at and is very smart. I tend to think she is right. I cant help but to be scared. When my H would get drunk in the past - he would start saying : get me a rope, tie me up, wheres a gun...etc.
I would tell my H that suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem - and that things will change in time and get better (that's the health teacher in me, I guess). He really liked that slogan and had repeated to me a few times this past year. TIPPER
