Thanks Starsky, I have been doing more things and getting out when I dont have my kids. Of course she took notice when I went out last week to have a drink on my own with friends.
Well, maybe I am here today for a 2x4 and not knowing if I need one or not? My Mother in law called me Wednesday afternoon to talk about the car she is wanting to buy again. I told her I had thought about going out for a drink that night, since w had the kids. She told me that I should ask w to go with me and just go and have a good time. She said w always made comments to her about us not going out every once and a while alone. For whatever reason it has been eating away at me for over a week to ask her out for some alone time. It has been over 40 days since I went dark and DBing and felt from the small signs that w had been showing that I needed to see where she was at.
I know some of you guys told me to wait for her to make that move, and I agreed, but I also knew that going out for a drink was a major issue for us while married. I figured to just go out and have some fun and not talk about R.
I texted w and asked her to call me when she could. She was at work and could only use the phone while on break. She returned my call about 20 minutes later. I told her that I knew it was her night with the kids and I was thinking of going out for a drink and wanted to know if she wanted to go with me. She paused for a moment and asked why? I told her just to get out and relax and hang out for a while. She said what about the kids, what would they think about us going out together. I told her for the benefit of them, they would not need to know. She then asked about her losing time with them and I said it was no big deal and she could be with kids and we could do it another time if she wanted. She said, she didnt know and that I threw her for a loop with the offer. She said she would call me back and let me know. I said fine and left it at that.
About 2 hours later she called me back, she used the excuse about s12 having ball practice and what time and when he will done? I answered her questions, and then she said she was on her way home and was wanting to know if kids were still coming to her apt. I said yes, and that I would drop them off shortly. She then paused and said nothing, I responded throught the silence and told her that the question I had asked her earlier about going out for a drink was not meant to throw her for a loop than chuckled about it. I think she was waiting for me to bring it up again.
She told me that she didnt have an issue with it, but just didnt know what my intentions were. I told her that there were none, just to get away and have a good time. I told her I didnt want to talk about past present or future just wanted to hang out and have fun.
She asked what about kids, and I told her I would drop them off to her around 5 and pick them up at 8 and bring them home. I would let D14 know that I was going out with one of my best friends that had been asking me to and let her babysit. This was important for d14 as I havent always given a lot of responsibilities. I told d14 that I didnt want to go out because I didnt want to leave them alone and then told her it was time for me to show her that she could handle it. D14 smiled and said dad you need to go, and you never get out much and thanked me for letting her babysit.
Told w what the plans was, as w always told me in the past that I could never put a plan for us together to go somewhere and I never wanted to leave kids alone for a couple of hours. So I told w if she wanted to go then we would and I would handle the arrangements with the kids.
She said ok, and that she would go. I said fine and I would drop the kids off at 5 and return at 8 to pick them up.
So, I dropped them off at her apt, did not see her when I got there, did not stay around to do so either.
I went home and showered, dress, and went back to pick them up at 8. For whatever reason I figured w would have called and cancelled after having time to think about it, but she didnt.
I picked up kids and on the way home to drop them off, I text her to ask what time she would be ready. sShe replied in about 30 minutes. I said ok, then asked if she wanted me to pick her up and she replied no, that she would feel more comfy taking her own car.
I said fine and I would meet her there in 30 minutes. She replied ok and that we could meet in the parking lot.
I got there and she was waiting in her car, i got out and so sid she and I walked up and kissed her on the cheek and said hello. She responded back softly hi and smiled. Part 2 coming!!
We walked in bar and her mom was there. W walked up to mom and said hi and I did the same. MIL smiled and winked at me and said so very nice to see you both.
I ordered both of us a drink and sat down. She started small conv with her mom, which i figured the whole night would be that way, that she would talk to mom whole night and not give a lot of attention to me. Well i was wrong, she spent the two hours we were there, talking to me, looking me in the eyes and hardly talked to her mom a whole lot. Her mom was on her left and I as on her right.
I started conv about work and how it was going for her, and she talked about it. we then talked about her leaving for 5 weeks and she said she hated that she had to leave. I told her that she would be fine and I had faith in her that she could handle it fine.
The music was loud and I had to lean into her ear to tell her what I wanted to say, each time I would put my hand on her arm or back to do so.
After about 1 hour, i told her that I was thankful for her coming out tonight and she looked very pretty in the dress that she was wearing, she replied softly thank you. She began to get glassy eyed and I changed the subject to something else.
SHe made a few comments about the kids and not seeing them enough and I told her that would change in time and not to worry.
She then started to look at fb pics from the creek that she took while out with friends and I just ingnored it until she showed me one pic, I told her it looked like they had a great time. She yes they did and would love to take the kids there one day. I told her that sounded like a good idea and did not invite myself to go.
I did not give into her about deleting me from her fb last week, I told her that i had got a message on fb saying that we had shared a photo together and went to look at it and it said her and were not friends anymore. I told her that I dont get on fb much and it must have been something wrong with it. She said no that she deleted me last week and most of my family. I smiled and said ok, she said she didnt want me or them there in case she put a photo on there and it be flipped into something bad. I told her no big deal and it was her choice and then changed subjects. She brought it upagain about my family and I told her that they all loved her and are not mad at her. Then shut it down again.
I tried to keep it up beat which i feel in the end I did. Did not talk about R or OM. She then said how she had been hand washing dishes and I laughed and said you? She never would do it, if it didnt fit in the dishwasher then I would hand wash them. We both laughed about it and then I said that is funny and that I had started changing sheets on bed every week, and she laughed and said wow.
She had already known about my other changes as far as sleeping in the bed, taking shower everynigt, and losing weight as she has commmented to family and friends about it.
I also told her about how it has become routine to keep clothe washed, house clean. She replied that was good.
The hand washing dishes thing I believe was to show me that she had made some changes too.
She brought up s8 and how she was sad the way, he wanted to spend the night the other night and had to go home with me. She said she misses them so badly. She said that he wants to spend the night with her and cant because of her work. I told her that I understood and I also miss them when they are away with her.
She began to get teary eyed and I said just relax and I know we all wish things were different. I told her that me or the kids could not change things. She began to say something then stopped and I told her if she needed to talk that she could and I would listen. I told her that I have listned to her all night and that in the past I would listen to her but not hear her and that tonight I heard every word, she was very grateful.
She said that she didnt want to talk about it there in the bar, and I asked if she wanted to take a ride and she replied no, that she didnt want to talk there or right now. I said ok, and changed the subject.
Again it somewhat amazed me how in tune she was with me the whole night, never took her eyes off of me and I looked her right in the eyes the whole night also.
SHe told her mom that she had to go the bathroom and walked away. Her mom told me that w called her this afternoon and was nervous about going with me. She told her she didnt know why she wanted me to go. MIL told her that if she didnt want to go then dont go, but if she did then do it. She told MIL something but Mil could not remember what she said on the phone because she was driving in rain. Mil told w whatever she needed to say to me that she needed to do so. MIL told me that she thougt we were getting along great. She said she noticed me touching w a few times and thougt that was a good thing. She also noticed w had her feet under my legs and was touching me.
W got back from restroom and about 30 minuts later, we laughed so hard about a stich she had at work, then told her mom that she needed to go home as she had work early the next morning. SHe hugged mom bye and I did the same and MIL told me she was very proud of me for stepping up and taking her out.
We got out to her car, and I said thank you for the good time and she said it was very nice and thanked me. She sat in her car and left the door open. I leaned in again to give a kiss on the cheek and say goodnight, when I went for her cheek she turned and allowed me to kiss her on the lips.
I told her to be careful and walked to my truck, she replied the same.
Before she left the bar, I had mentioned that my next door neighbor wanted her to come to her husbands birthday party sat night. I told her that I would be there, and if she wanted to come it would be no big deal and the kids could stay at home across the street. She said that sounded like fun and would let me know.
At this point, I dont know if I did good or bad going out with her. I think if she didnt want to go with me that night she would have said so, and would have come up with a reason not to go. She has never had a problem with expresses her wants and needs.
I will take some positive away from it, 1) she did go, 2) she was not ignoring me and was very intune with me the whole night. 3) she did not pull away when I touched her to talk to her over the music.4) her laughs were real and not made up.5) she knew I was truly having a good time and was not nervous about being in the bar scence.6) she said she wanted to talk but not there and not right now.and she was very nice and polite when we departed.
Of course like many others on this site I am waiting on the follow up from her, and so far I have not gotten it. I want her to call me or text me that she had a good time or set up a date with me. I know that is not coming right now. But I did tell her when she left that I had a great time and we needed to do it again sometime. She happily agreed and I told her to let me know.
The reason I told her to let me know , because at this point, I cannot ask her again. I opened the door for her a little bit and now I know I have to go back to DBing and let her make the next move???? I hope that is the right thing to do, please let me know if anyone has any thougts on that. I feel that I have broken the ice a bit, without pushing her away,no R talk just laughs and showing her more of my changes instead of words of change.
I am sure she is confused and guessing if my changes are only to get her back, but still i have to figure leaving her alone again and letting her make a move at this point is the right thing to do. It has only been two day since that night and I know it will take more time.
Since this monday she has been calling kids more, talking to them everynight, which is odd as she has never done that. She is calling in the afternoon and again at night before they go to bed. It seems she is missing them more, when she left she seemed cold and selfish and did not make a big deal about seeing them or talking to them much, I wonder if this is a sign of her missing the family or remorse for what she did.
Willing to take some 2x4's if needed or some advice on what to do next if someone could chime in. Thanks
P.S. The bday party thing, I will not ask her again about that, she knows about it from me and my neighbor also sent her a text to invite her. IF she wants to use that as a good time to spend more time with me then she can. But I will not force the issue or bring it up. the kids are staying with her tonight. and tomorrow night is the party.
The reason I told her to let me know , because at this point, I cannot ask her again. I opened the door for her a little bit and now I know I have to go back to DBing and let her make the next move????
Thanks Gal and Starsky, we spoke for a few minutes when she came to get the kids yesterday. I was cutting grass and she came by, she walked in the house and I followed after s8 opened the door for her. She walked in for the first time since she left. She stood in foyer and talked to kids, she asked about some mail and I found it for her. She then asked about someting else and walked in the kitchen to look in cabinet for it. I told her I would take care of it and get it to her at a later date. The kids were ready to go and were standing by front door. She would not move, she just stood there looking around. I finally had to open the door and tell them to go so I could finish the yard. She slowly walked out and then stopped on sidewalk. She asked me about finances and I replied and then the kids were by the car telling her to come on, and she still just stood there. I finally walked to the car to kiss them by and she followed. She told me that I needed a hair cut and that she could cut it for me today or tomorrow. I told her that would be fine.
She asked me if I needed it cut for the party tomorrow night and I said yes. She asked what time the party was and I replied around 8, she said that Kelly the girl that was having the party for her husband texted her about it. I said well its up to you if you come. She said she would think about it and I said ok, and walked away.
I went out last night with a friend of mine, he to had been through same thing with his w. He sure helped me out and made me realize that I had to live for me and my kids and not to wait for her. He told me, that everyone in our community thinks the world of me and they all know that I am great father and husband, and to let the rest be. He said his ex is on hands and knees begging him home after she left and he wants nothing to do with her now.Only because he started living for him and his 2kids did she realize what she had lost.
I called s12 last night on my way out to eat dinner with him, we were going to a restaraunt that his mom tooke them to last week. I asked him what was the dish he had then that he loved so much that he couldnt stop talking about it. Well s12 yelled across the apt at his moms and asked d14 what it was. I could hear in the background w say to s12 who is going out to eat there????
He replied dad was going and wanted to know what was the food I ate when i was there. Well she knows I opened the door for her a bit, but also not waiting around for her to push it further.
I hate that this has to be a game when it comes to my kids and I will not treat it like one. I love my kids, they are my life and they know and so does she. Like she reminds me all the time your "superdad". That is all I need right now is God and my kids, if my w wakes up one day and realizes that whe screwed up, I will look back with no guilt that i didnt do enough to fix it. I tried before she left,and have changed and she knows it now.
Life goes on for me and my kids at this point. God is in control of the rest. Have a good day all.
