on a side nite about that love thing, i realized you can care for someone, but love is more powerful. Love though can increase and decrease making it easy to be unhappy because you remember the love times and forget that it takes time to get back to loving just as it took time to lose it. There can be feelings of guilt, too ... Feeling forgiven and forgiving a partner when they've said i don't love you is so important of a choice.
Maybe he won't stick around to get back yo loving you, but at least he will remember the good in you.
Not having a particularly good day. Wanted to go to the gym tonight, but H was 'too tired' to stay past 7pm to let me go. (long story and he was a bit mean in my opinion tonight, and I'm annoyed for letting him get to me). So I'm thinking that I might want to start dating - nothing serious (I have no desire to sleep with anyone else either right now), just dating, hanging out, getting to know some new people. But then I wonder, how in the world do I even start - and where in the world would I meet anybody, and finally, who in their right mind would date a separated mother of two very young children. I know I personally would be weary of dating a separated man - as I know first hand, that not everybody is separated by choice. I just can't help thinking lately that someday I will find someone who loves me as much as I love them... b/c clearly that is not the case in my marriage. I am just so sick of these crazy emotions that are all over the freaking place. And I am getting angry at myself for feeling this way. Why can't i just get over it already and walk away. Sigh...
DG - to be honest, I don't really feel ready for it either and it absolutely WOULD be to try to get over my H. I know thats not fair, but I am having a bad day, so I'm probably not thinking clearly. If i knew my H was dating, I'm sure I would have a heart attack. Nobody is asking me out though either lol.. so its easy to 'think' I could do it. I guess these days I just think it would be nice for someone to talk to - about anything BUT my marriage - for someone to listen to me and look at me like they are interested in what Im saying, to see if i really truly could ever have feelings for someone else. I've also been separated for over 9 months now, and things were pretty bad for several months before that. So I've been feeling so alone for so long now (even though H does things that would probably give others hope - I know my H well, and sometimes I'm sure he is just trying to save face)... I don't know. I know I won't date, bc quite frankly, I have no time, and am too lazy, but its nice to dream about some fantasy guy who would treat me well. Telling myself that there IS someone out there for me is kinda what keeps me going. I figure if H and I work out - then great! if not then hopefully I will fall in love again someday with someone who I am more compatible with... Gosh, there are so many times I wish PM'ng worked on this site - as DG, I have the urge to PM you SO often - our situations are so similar, its scary.
Haven't posted in a few days... Feeling really down today. H took our little ones away to a cottage for the weekend with a bunch of friends from work (and their families). Saturday was good, I did errands all day and then had a girls night. Yesterday was okay - spent most of the day napping here and there and recovering from a very late night. Today, however, I am sad. I have been trying to force myself not to think about all the family fun MY family is having this weekend without me. This is the first time ever that he's taken the kids for more than one night, so I guess I just have to get used to it. I've been letting my mind wander too much today and for some reason all these great memories keep hitting me today. I've been pretty good at not dwelling on the past as much as I used to, but today is a low day I guess.
Last week was pretty good with H. He stuck around after bed time every night he was here and we watched some tv, chatted, even a few kisses here and there. He took the day off on Thursday to take our son on a field trip at daycare. Field trip got cancelled due to rain so he came by the house to do a few things - we ended up watching movies together all afternoon and he offered to give me a massage and one thing lead to another..He's definitely been more interested in me lately than he has in a long time. But again, I am trying not to read into it. We DO NOT talk about getting back together, but we also do not talk about divorce either. We pretty much just avoid that subject altogether. I don't know - i am so torn what to do. I am being the best person I know how, but I feel like there is a fine line between doing 180's and letting him take advantage of the situation and caking eating. Obviously I dont know what's going on in his head - is he thinking 'okay well she's letting me do this that and the other, so I might as well take advantage of that' or is there any possibility in him thinking 'I still have feelings for my wife, and maybe there is still something there worth hanging on to'. Knowing him, he isn't thinking anything, and just enjoying the moments. Every time I tell myself to just get on with my life, he doesn't want me in it, we start hanging out again, and I reconsider. Honestly, we have become such good friends over the last 6 months or so - just like the first couple of years of our marriage. I know that is a good thing no matter what - for the sake of our children especially if we do divorce, but gosh it makes it so much harder to let go. The last time we discussed our R about a month ago when he told me he rented his own place - I was in MAJOR breakdown mode, i was crying and asked him flat out 'does this feel RIGHT to you' and he started crying and saying that no, none of this feels right at all, but that he didn't know what else to do.. And I think this is the piece of my puzzle that causes me the most grief. Neither of us knows the 'right' thing to do - I wish I could just tell myself that the right thing would be to stop this fiasco and move on - get on with my life, stop hanging out with him, stop being physical with him, stop letting him walk all over me... but then that doesn't feel right either... Heavy heart today. Sad, missing all my boys, miss being loved, miss being able to love him back.
Feeling a little better today - helps that my babes are home, and I have work to distract me again. H has gone away for the rest of the week to another cottage with a different group of people. I hate to admit it, but I was quite relieved when he told me it was a guys week of golfing and fishing. He's emailed/texted a few times, trying really hard to respond immediately, but my problem is that he always asks about our children, and I feel like I always need to respond. Just like if he has the kids, and I ask him how they are doing, I would expect him to respond right away as well. I know there is no 'mystery' for him when it comes to me, b/c basically if he is not at the house visiting our children, he knows I am with the children, so I couldnt possibly be having any grown-up fun when I'm with them. Things have been going pretty well between us again but its like every time things get easy and comfortable and fun between us again, he backs off. So I've decided I need to do everything in my power to keep my house. I know I can't afford to completely buy him out, but this is my HOME, and our childrens home and I think I need to stay here. I dont know how I will do it, or if the courts will allow me to pay him back over a VERY long period of time, but I have decided when the time comes, that I will do whatever I possibly can. I would love to hope it doesn't come to that, but at this point, I just want to be prepared. I NEED to be prepared, for me and my children. Funny thing is I am getting the house painted next week and I haven't picked colours yet. I mentioned to H before he went away that I had to pick the colours this week and that I assumed he doesn't care what colours I picked (i mean it IS still his house, so I felt I needed to ask). He looked at me kind of funny and said 'no I don't care, as long as you pick nice colours' and smiled at me. Then he asked if I could possibly email him the colours this week so that maybe he could look at them online. I know deep down he doesn't want to give up on our life and our family and our home, but unfortunately he feels he 'needs' to. A few months ago, I would have been secretly a tad bit happy that he cared about the colours, b/c I would have thought that maybe there was still some hope that we could be a family in this home. Now it just makes me feel sad.
Sometimes , the way you describe him, it sounds like he is acting out of guilt ... As though he's afraid to say what is driving him. One thing about my wife being so mean to me and so filled with hate is that I don't hope I could keep any kind of relationships with her so her actions sting, and then are forgotten . Your h wants you happy - married or not.
Did you ever write or tell him sincerely (if true) that you forgive him and wouldn't be grudging him for what occurs or occurred - married ir not... I am trying hard to not hold my wifes nasty actions against her so I can coparentco parent and as I was told once, forgiveness helps the forgiver, and doesn't require forgetting.
Yes, I would agree with that statement. I know - and he's told me - that he feels so guilty about everything. I have told him - in all sincerity - that even though I love him more than anything, that I want him to be happy, and if that doesn't include me then so be it. I've given him so many opportunities to just say 'okay its done, this is over, I want a divorce' without any backlash from me. He always says he acknowledges that I have given him so many outs, but he says he just doesn't know. He doesn't think our marriage could ever work again, but he is worried that he would be making a huge mistake. He is very unhappy and he struggles with what makes him unhappy. He tells me he is torn, b/c he is no happier living away from us then he was living with us. I think he thought once he moved out that happiness would naturally follow. But he tells me that nothing makes him happy - not even any of his favourite things, like golfing etc. Which is why he finally went to talk to someone and agree to try the antidepressants.
Anyways, I haven't told him I forgive him though - as I am not quite there yet, and it would be a lie at this point. I know that the great friendship we have now is crucial to us raising our children successfully together. I read through other posts, and I am just shocked at some of the horrible things their spouses say to them. I just can't believe some people would be so cruel. My H and I haven't said one harsh word to each other since the beginning of our separation. We are always friendly and if anything, I think we both go out of our way to be even nicer to each other than usual. At first, it was a huge struggle to be nice to him, but now its completely natural (another example of one of my 180's no longer being a 180). I almost wonder if he did say such mean things to me etc, that walking away might be a little more obvious. I know he's probably just paving the way to a mess-free divorce, but its hard for me to believe that he would pursue being intimate out of guilt, or that he would hang out and watch a movie or something out of guilt. But its probably true Guilt and horniness. Maybe that's all it is. But I do know that he loves me enough to want me to be happy as well. We both want that for each other, its just too bad we can't figure out how to make each other happy TOGETHER.
you guys are totally putting me in a better mood tonight!