Nice to see you check in every once in awhile to let us all know how you are doing.
I imagine that as you and your W become closer you will experience some feelings of hurt and anger towards her because of the pain you have dealt with. In this regards I like your C approach to helping YOU deal with some of your feelings.
It seems like to me you are doing pretty well all things considered.
Stay the course and when you begin to waiver go back and read some of your original post, I think that would help keep you focus.
Thanks guys. 2step, you are right I went back and reread some of my old stuff. Definitely helps me keep perspective.
Here's the latest chapter...
Last Thursday was D5's preschool graduation. When I got home from work I wanted to take everyone out to celebrate. S2 was sitting on his toddler potty in the living room. We are working on potty-training him. I was excited to go to dinner because we were going to try a new pizza place that I heard was really good.
As we were getting ready, S2 was still sitting on his potty and watching TV. So, somewhat caught up in my excitement and also in-line with making the potty fun and exciting for him during his potty training, I walked over to him and poked him in his lower belly (I didn't touch "it") and said "pee-pee pee-pee pee-pee!!!!) to try to get him to go. W saw this and asked "did you just touch his pee-pee?" I said no, I didn't, and left it at that. I absolutely did not feel like I needed to defend myself to her for what I did.
On the way to the restaurant W had her 1000 yard stare on and wouldn't say a word to me. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that what I did to S2 was really creepy. At this point I got pissed because she's treating me like a child molester. I didn't want to get into it with her so I just said sorry and again left it at that.
W stayed pissed off for the rest of the night. After we got home and put the kids to bed I asked her why she was still pissed off. She again told me that what I did was creepy. I told her I didn't like her treating me like a child molester and that I think what I did is pretty normal and wasn't wrong. I told her that I think boys and girls are different when it comes to this. She then said "don't try to rationalize what you did, they say that's a big sign that there is something really wrong. All you rationalizing does is make me want to call my friends to ask them if i'm being unreasonable, and I'm guessing they won't think so. You can go ask your therapist or whatever about it and I'm sure she'll say the same thing". At this point I was really pissed (probably as mad as I've ever been at her) and I didn't want to blow up on her, so I just said I'm sorry, I understand where you're coming from, and I won't do it again. Then she says "don't think I'm overreacting to this because of my past". I told her I don't and that I won't do it again.
I had IC last night, and I was worried about bringing it up to the IC...because of W's reaction I was actually worried that I possibly might have done something wrong.
Well, at W's suggestion, I replayed the entire scenario to my IC. I believe I gave a very objective recap of the events. After I finished, IC was EXTREMELY adamant that I did nothing wrong...and said it to me multiple times. I even tried defending W's point of view and said that I don't want S2 to grow up and think it's ok to touch other people like that. IC said there's no chance in hell he could have thought that from what I did. I could tell IC was getting pissed off at W for the things she had said to me. IC basically started attacking W at this point, which was very hard for me to hear. IC then said that this ties back into the "secondary trauma" thing she has been talking about the past three weeks. Due to her past, W sometimes treats me like I am an abuser and a small part of me is actually starting to wonder if I actually did something that wrong. IC said there is a huge difference between being an abuser and not being a perfect husband.
IC then went on to say that if W doesn't go get professional help with her past, she'll likely never "turn" like I'm hoping she will.
Pretty tough IC session.
Now back to Sunday. W woke me up by bringing me breakfast in bed. Things pretty much went downhill from there. W was very cold and distant all day. Nothing but one-word answers to anything I asked her and she didn't initiate any convo with me all day. It wore on me all day but I didn't say anything to her until after dinner. I asked her why she is so mad. Her response: "I am tired and I think my monthly friend is coming". I told her that all day long she has been very cold to me and that I have been thinking that I did something wrong. She said no, I didn't.
I then told her that it is totally fine for her to have bad days, but given her past complaints about me not being there for her, if I have a choice between ignoring her/leaving her alone or trying hard to be there for her, I am going to err on the side of not making the same mistake I have in the past. She then told me I didn't need to try that hard. I then asked her to just let me know if she's having a crappy day. I have no problem giving her space if she asks for it, but it is very, very difficult to guess. I left it at that and then went to bed.
Last night (Monday) I got home and W was in a great mood. Very friendly and talkative.
What a roller-coaster ride this continues to be...
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Having a live-in is tough. It can be lonely when you have somoeone beside ou who is physically there but emotionally absent.
But its still better than being apart, I think. So I just count my blessings and tell myself not to be get into the coaster. This week my H has been a bit distant and cold, but I see him constantly observing me. Your W is observing you too. What I notice thoughthat while they do get vocal about "bad" things or complaints, they can be quiet about the good things we do but it doesn't mean that they are not filing that away in their memory banks!
I also have the same problem with my IC - she is so concerned about the pain I am willing to take on with regards to my stand, and has been pushing me to confront my H and get his committment to make the M work. I don't think my H is ready yet, and my IC makes me feel frustrated so I think I am not going to see her for a while.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I told her that all day long she has been very cold to me and that I have been thinking that I did something wrong. She said no, I didn't.
That day could have gone better if you asked her sooner, huh?
Just saying.
J3B,
Appreciate the feedback and i agree it probably would have made my day easier. But, I didn't want to ask for 3 reasons:
1. It could have initiated R talk.
2. I don't think she should treat me like crap because she's having a bad day. If she can be polite to the busboy at the restaurant, she can at least be cordial with me.
3. I don't feel like I should have to read her mind, or prod into why she's in a bad mood. If she is having a bad day, that is fine and I want to support her in any way I can, but why should I have to guess at what that might be?
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
2. I don't think she should treat me like crap because she's having a bad day. If she can be polite to the busboy at the restaurant, she can at least be cordial with me.
3. I don't feel like I should have to read her mind, or prod into why she's in a bad mood. If she is having a bad day, that is fine and I want to support her in any way I can, but why should I have to guess at what that might be?
No, she shouldn't treat you like crap. And no, you can't read her mind. Which is why you say something non-threatening or judgmental like 'it looks like you are having a bad day, is there anything I can do?'
Then again, if I could remember my own advice
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Well, as of today, I am 32 years old. Hopefully this year goes better than year 31 did.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
