I was directed to this site and am hoping for some pointers in handling things better. Here goes...
I have been with my partner (not married but were planning to later this year) for four years. We have two children aged 2 and 6 months, and also my two children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 4.
For the last year or so, we have been having troubles. I was upset at his lack of affection and this was an ongoing problem. He would make an effort for a short while then things would slip back to how they were. He would have different excuses and I started to grow more and more resentful of how much I was giving and not receiving in return.
We had a bad patch when the baby was born. He spent most of his paternity leave sleeping in and going out for drinks and I was furious. I withdrew for about three weeks (I was really upset at his behaviour as it was in marked contrast to after our first was born when he couldn't do enough) after until he eventually broke down and apologised.
He would get down from time to time. Would say he hated work. Would say he didn't feel appreciated (by me.) I stepped it up.
Fast forward to four weeks ago. We spend a lovely Saturday together. After the kids are in bed I notice he isn't himself. I ask but he says he is ok. I leave him to it thinking he wants some time in his man cave.
Next morning he wakes up, turns to me and says he has something to tell me. That he has been unfaithful. He kissed a woman at work. He is incredibly upset, asks if he's ruined everything. I think he is joking (he often jokes about serious stuff.) Turns out he isn't.
Basic story is he was on a job and this woman at that site makes it clear she has the hots for him. Singles him out for attention and conversation. He finds her attractive and laps up the attention. He says he never intends to pursue her or do anything about it. He goes to say goodbye at the end of his last day there, she gives him her phone number and goes to kiss him. He said he pushed her off and left. Then texts her later, looks her up on FB. At that point he told me.
I was devastated. Prior to this trusted him 100%. Push him out to stay elsewhere whilst I consider what to do.
In the next two days the dynamic switches round to it being HIM deciding if he still wants in on the relationship. Seems it was a catalyst for his continuing unhappy feelings. He has trouble dealing with his stepchildren. He is fond of them but can't settle into the extended family dynamic. We resolve to stay together and work on things.
We go to an initial counselling session. He is initially reluctant but I explain it is a dealbreaker for me. He goes and opens up. Elsewhere I have obvious trust issues and he has difficulty dealing with these. He is open but is resentful of feeling checked up on.
I stumble when he confesses a couple of incidents; one whereby he goes to leave treats for her at the job, and another where he drunkenly texts her and doesn't tell me. He says he realises he had messed up BIG time and knew how upset I'd be (he asked if she was missing him) and I find out a few days later by checking his cellphone bill. I pack his bags. He had spent the whole last three weeks telling me he was telling me everything, he didn't like her, wasn't interested, so I was gutted by this.
Since then, we have to-ed and fro-ed incessantly. At the end of last week I told him to go and he found a place to rent. From then up until today, he has spent most of his time here with us. Half in and half out. Not knowing how he feels, being unsure. I know I have compromised my principles massively by going backwards and forwards and picking up on things he has said, I know he has lost respect for me some because of this although I don't know if he realises it.
Right now? I told him earlier that I wanted 100% of his commitment to us and the family and I wasn't prepared to put up with anything less. And until then I would only have contact with him to do with children and money issues.
I WANT to reconcile but don't want him to be half-assed about it. I want the respect I deserve. He wants to come back but doesn't know how he'll feel with his family issues. I said that seeing how it goes just isn't enough for me, I need him to be all in.
I should add, I'm implementing the 180 which was recommended by a friend. I have been far too nice and stepped back on being hardline too many times now. As soon as he shows any amount of willing, I buckle. He's basically spent the last week living here but not being committed to working things out. Acting as though we're a couple again, he said he felt we were seeing how things went.
I said that wasn't good enough for me, I wanted his complete commitment.
On his part, he feels that his feelings for me haven't changed- he still feels the same as he always has and still loves me. It's the step-family situation he has trouble with.
He also has only gone halfway to owning what has happened with the other girl. He feels that as he didn't pursue her as in wanting anything physical to happen, that he hasn't been unfaithful. He has trouble seeing that I feel his behaviour with texting her and going to visit her is at least, inappropriate, because he says as far as he was concerned, he was just being friendly, and that the way he has acted has caused me to feel distrustful of him.
He would basically prefer for me to put it in the past and not ever bring it up again, and to be ok with it because it happened and he can't change it. Well I accept it happened and he can't change it, but he is loathed to take any responsibility.
I have been reading about the 180 and feel it's the best approach, not only to know whether he's in or out, but for my sanity!
Me:33 Him:30 My kids: 7, 4 Our kids:2, 7 months Met:06/2007 Moved in:09/2008 "That" girl:20/03/11 Currently working things out
It is so hard to be in this situation, and get so much advice and not really know which piece of advice to use.
The BEST 180 is the one that is the opposite of his stereotype of you, not the opposite of you being nice or accommodating. If you want to draw a hard line, you need to be the most attractive option--the option that makes him happier.
He has a foot out the door, and that is looking the most attractive to him. Taking the hard line will probably give you the OPPOSITE of what you want it to do.
Assuming what you want is him back in, fully committed to your marriage, you will need to go about it differently. Find out what his complaints are (you seem to have done that) and do more of what works to make it workable for the both of you, and honestly, at this point right now, you would have to give more.
I feel this is probably not what you want to hear right now. But it will have a better chance at working.
Glad you found your way here. Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? If not, you need to ASAP.
What are the ages of you and H?
Does his job call for him to be gone from home extended times?
Hey!
Not read it but got to get it asap.
I am 33, he is 30. Been together 4 years.
No re: the job. Just your Mon-Fri working week.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
Hi barnaby,
Welcome to divorcebusting.com!
It is so hard to be in this situation, and get so much advice and not really know which piece of advice to use.
The BEST 180 is the one that is the opposite of his stereotype of you, not the opposite of you being nice or accommodating. If you want to draw a hard line, you need to be the most attractive option--the option that makes him happier.
He has a foot out the door, and that is looking the most attractive to him. Taking the hard line will probably give you the OPPOSITE of what you want it to do.
Assuming what you want is him back in, fully committed to your marriage, you will need to go about it differently. Find out what his complaints are (you seem to have done that) and do more of what works to make it workable for the both of you, and honestly, at this point right now, you would have to give more.
I feel this is probably not what you want to hear right now. But it will have a better chance at working.
I want to hear what works. I'm floundering. I am "nice". I give. A lot. He knows I want him back and he has been using this to carry on as if we are together without having both feet in, if you like. I HAD to draw the line- it is completely unfair tomy older kids to have him at home whilst he isn't sure if he wants to be part of this family- ie a stepfather to them.
His issue is that he would prefer the family to be me, him and our biological children. And try as I might, I simply CAN'T change that. How do I make that the more attractive option? The way I see it is ultimately, he is the one who has to decide if he is prepared to work through his feelings. He has swayed towards this the other day. But keeps circling back again to not knowing if he can do it.
The closest I've come to working out if I have a part in this is listening. Listening to his feelings. Understanding. Empathy. I don't know beyond that right now.
Me:33 Him:30 My kids: 7, 4 Our kids:2, 7 months Met:06/2007 Moved in:09/2008 "That" girl:20/03/11 Currently working things out
By give, I mean bend. To draw a hard line and have it work, you have to be perceived by the other person as having the upper hand in the relationship, and it doesn't appear that you do.
Your kids are all pretty young and that's a LOT of responsibility for someone who is feeling more like being free. And when kids aren't your own, it can be hard to have those affectionate feelings all the time for them, because not every child is pleasant, and especially all the time. You have to make this easier for him, and I'll bet you've tried.
But NO ONE ever tries EVERYTHING, even when they say they have. What have you tried? Who handles discipline? What specifically are his complaints there?
What are his complaints about you personally? If there are none, what is different about you now than the time when you fell in love? (If he is happier with YOU than the other things might pale in comparison).
The point is, you are probably not the problem, but you can be the solution. The situation isn't what it should be, it's just what you've got. He SHOULD be responsible, he SHOULD love your other kids as much as his own, etc.
The other point is--you have the absolute RIGHT to draw the hard line, but it isn't likely to save your marriage, and I'm just assuming that is your goal because you came to this site.
You have a very tough situation, but I would encourage you to fight for your marriage at least right now. That doesn't mean you can't have some boundaries, but to expect 'all in' is completely unrealistic, it doesn't happen that way. It's baby steps.
But NO ONE ever tries EVERYTHING, even when they say they have. What have you tried? Who handles discipline? What specifically are his complaints there?
Ok. We established he didn't need to be their father (they have regular contact with their dad.) More a father figure, a responsible male role model if you like. I was happy for him to have equal say in discipline and to discipline off his own back as he saw fit. I believe in positive parenting and this is where we differ; we both realise I am the "softer" parent and not as consistent as I should be. He is the opposite; rigorously strict. We both have issues with how "extreme" the other is; he thinks I'm not harsh enough, I think he is too hardline.
Quote:
What are his complaints about you personally? If there are none, what is different about you now than the time when you fell in love? (If he is happier with YOU than the other things might pale in comparison).
He says I am just fine as I am. He says he wouldn't change anything about me, there is nothing I would need to change. He knows the family issue is his. He also said that what happened with the other girl, was no reflection on me; he went to great lengths to explain that it wasn't anything to do with how I looked, how I acted etc.
I feel that I am less independent than when we first started dating. This is something I realised maybe a year or so ago and have made steps to improve this, and still am.
Quote:
The point is, you are probably not the problem, but you can be the solution. The situation isn't what it should be, it's just what you've got. He SHOULD be responsible, he SHOULD love your other kids as much as his own, etc.
The other point is--you have the absolute RIGHT to draw the hard line, but it isn't likely to save your marriage, and I'm just assuming that is your goal because you came to this site.
You have a very tough situation, but I would encourage you to fight for your marriage at least right now. That doesn't mean you can't have some boundaries, but to expect 'all in' is completely unrealistic, it doesn't happen that way. It's baby steps.
I understand. My "hardline" approach was prompted by, as mentioned, my concern that it directly involves the older kids. I didn't want them picking up on any ambivalence regarding his feelings.
Originally Posted By: cat04
Barnaby,
First off, welcome to this board...
When you and your H met, he knew you had these children correct?
What are his specific complaints?
How involved is their father?
I also don't think I would expect him to be 100% committed to the R or working on the R right now...
If you push for that at this time, he will more than likely leave...
And I don't think that you want that to happen...
Yes he knew I had children when we met.
Specifically... He feels resentful of the fact I had children before we got together. He wishes he had met me before I met my ex. He prefers the time we spend together as "our" family (ie when my children are with their dad) and says that when they ARE here, the dynamic changes. He says that he never planned to get into a family and be a stepfather, he never wanted that, and has been trying since we got together four years ago to make it work but doesn't know if he can. He has used his feelings by way of "punishing" me; my prime example was when we talked about getting married after our first was born. He had some reasons as to why he wanted to wait; he later came out with the fact that had I not already had children when we met, he would have asked me to marry him ages ago.
Their father is involved regularly. They spend every other weekend with him, and go on holiday with him every year.
I see what you guys are saying about the 100% thing. I will think about what you are saying. He keeps coming and spending time here a lot because, he says, his feelings for me haven't changed. I should also say he is a devoted father to his children.
Me:33 Him:30 My kids: 7, 4 Our kids:2, 7 months Met:06/2007 Moved in:09/2008 "That" girl:20/03/11 Currently working things out
What do YOU really want--what are your goals for your relationship with him? Is it important to you to be married? What specifically do you want more of in the relationship? What do you want less of?
