Good Intentions

[NoLongerHere]

Hi all -

It's been a good long time since I've visited this site, but I feel compelled to post today. Maybe I just need to journal what has been going on and think through some things.

My divorce was final last June. It all happened rather quickly I suppose; she filed in August of 2009 and we had the papers back from the judge in 2010. We have a 50% custody arrangement for our twin 10-year-old boys, where we both have them a part of the day. So, I pick them up before 6:00 pm every day and bring them home; so essentially they live with me, and then we alternate weekends. So, one key thing here is that I see my ex regularly.

I've had one relationship since; I don't know how many of you may remember my story, but it's the same woman with which things started during the course of my divorce; it's gone back and forth, and was seeming to become serious in the 2nd half of last year. She said at one point, "I can't imagine a future without you," and I'll just use that as a summary of where it was, but as we got into this year, it became clear that it was stalling, and by the end of February she declared she wasn't ready for a relationship. I certainly can't begrudge her this, she is separated and needs to work through her situation, and I think has a lot to get through. She's spending a lot of time with friends, and doing what she needs to do for her kids. Anyway, maybe the wisest thing. I care for this woman a great deal, and we still talk and see each other. She also said, "I'd like to come back to this in the future," but, maybe a learning from my divorce, I'd like to be able to just accept things for what they are for the moment.

Anyway. My ex-wife has a boyfriend. This guy does not have a job or a home; he stays with his brother, and is essentially at my ex's apartment all the time. She is frustrated with the situation, and has broken it off with this guy, but doesn't stick to it. She's mentioned that she helps pay his bills (yes, she is mostly living off the support I provide). Anyway, it sounds like a mess, and I know the parts she tells me; at one point the boys were complaining to me that they don't get enough of their mom's time because this guy was always around, and she's tried to minimize that I guess, but it doesn't seem to do much.

So. In the last month, month-and-a-half - we've been talking a lot more. Texting. Spending time together. I know it's not a good thing to do. But she's called me up and we've all gone to the movies together; she asks me to stay for dinner and I do. Then she feels guilty. She called me up, drunk, last Saturday night at midnight and told me about how crappy everything is, how she can't seem to stand on her own emotionally, how this guy is demeaning to her, he takes her money, etc., she doesn't relate to any of her "new friends" - and how I'm the only one that ever says anything nice to her or really seems to care. And when it came down to it, I was the only one she had to call (except her mother, of course, who she knew would be asleep). I told her at different times that, she should not anyone speak to her that way, no man should be taking money from a single mom who is struggling, all that. That she's worth more than that. Those are the "nice things" I say.

So, knowing she's having a bad time, I asked her to come over and breakfast with the boys and I Sunday morning, and we took a long walk and talked.

So. I don't know. I'm not looking for anything to "happen" here. I picked the boys up the other day and the BF's truck was there, so I texted her that, if she doesn't like her situation, then to do something about it. After a couple of other texts, I told her "I can't watch you self-destruct. I'm out." And I've minimized contact this week. See if I can stick to that.

The other big thing going on is that I'm investing more effort into work. Working to get my professional life back into good shape, as I wasn't focusing on it during the course of the divorce. It's happening now, but it's been taking effort.

So I don't know, I guess I'm just working to get my head right. Regarding my ex, what's going on in her life, it's not my business. I worked hard to have boundaries previously, but have let them slip recently.

Regarding my other relationship, I want to just let it be what it is now; she was a focus point for me for a good while, and I still see and talk to her, but not like I did. And it's still a little ambiguous. I've had strong feelings here but it feels right to just let it slip from my focus.

So then... my boys and my job. Both of which need my attention. Without the other commotion, I think things get simpler. Easier to manage. And maybe that's good for now. I feel like I want more, but that can wait, right?

I'm not sure I've entirely captured what's going on in my head, but I'll post what I've written. Maybe it's as simple as, it's time to do something different. OK, will come back to this later.

One last note - trying to find a good title for this thread, don't have good candidates, but in the habit I've made of using song titles, this seems right, a song about not understanding quite what you're doing but feeling optimistic about getting it right.

[whatisis]

Hey Geronimo, good to hear from you! It's still a rollercoaster in many ways isn't it. In dealing with the ex, it's tough. Part of you wants to have a good R with her but also doesn't want to get sucked into the games of the past with her. I remember she had some kind of dependence on you throughout your separation. I guess you have to decide what boundaries work for you, for your own good and the good of your boys. Keep us posted.

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Wii, thank you. It's been awhile!

You know, a good relationship is one thing. What was happening, though, was too much. Funny... yes, she had that depdendence, push-pull thing throughout the seperation and afterwards. But, if I'm enabling it, letting it happen, participating, then that's part of the story too.

So, I've changed my behavior.

The past couple of weeks, I've had that dull emotional ache. Not horrible. Maybe it's getting better. Maybe the things I'm having to process in my mind are simplifying. I guess that's positive.

Well, my son told me this morning that I'm the best dad ever, so I'll take that as a good sign that my focus is in the right place.

[cat03]

I too was used as an emotional blanket for a while, getting late night calls... the works.... then BLAM! new GF and he treated me like yesterday's garbage... so watch out, it was very smart of you to keep your distance yourself from her emotional circus... you can't save her so she needs to be an adult and deal with her lame bf...

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey G, good to see your name again. I haven't been here for a while either. It's pretty interesting how your life and mine seem to have so many parallels. I too am doing well at work and just working hard. It's just about me and DD now. STBX has been dating around and it still hurts. I can't imagine how you feel and cope after seeing another guy's truck in her driveway, knowing she's with someone else etc. There's something that infuriates me about that still as if she's still my wife and it's still my job to protect her and my kid from some jackass off the streets. I'm glad you've found a way past that, and the difference maybe the R you've had? I too had a girl tell me things like 'it doesn't even feel like a normal day without talking to you' and I found myself getting more and more into her but then suddenly she pulled back big time. Eventually we tried to stay friends but it didn't work out.

Anyway, good to hear from you and I owe you a reply on the alt. Lately, I haven't been there either.