From small beginnings come great things

[ninelives]

That is the constant struggle for me 2step. And perhaps I am too immature to handle this. I simply at this stage, CANNOT handle being my wifes's friend while she gives herself to OM.

It is just too painful. Finding the balance then where I can be myself around her , but not come off as a friend.

NOt sure how to do this.

9

[Truegritter]

If I know that friendship would lead to more I think I could do it. If I think friendship will lead to nothing but friendship I don't know if I can. Does that make sense?

Show me where in life you get this kind of guarantee.

It is easy to walk over flaming hot coals if you know that your W waits for you on the other side.

Yes?

Be her friend?

Only if it fulfills YOU and serves YOU.

Is that an outcome?

Then it is a means to an end and has no substance.

You love your W as long as she is loving you back?

You will be friends with her as long as she will some day reconsider your M?

2 you know the answer to this.

[25yearsmlc]

what truegritter said. No guarantees in any of this, or in real life generally.

There still isn't! But we go forth in life knowing b/c of our inner work & faith, we will be alright regardless of outcome. We do not control the outcomes and we accept this.

Try doing the Serenity prayer if you can. At one point, I did it a dozen times a day. Whatever works.

[zengypsy]

WOW 2. I have been away so long I just spent the last 45 minutes catching up. You have gotten some great adivce from the vets. How lucky r u?

I still say you are Plan B for her. Do you want to Plan B for someone? I sure don't. And to what/who's expense will this be for?

Your XW needs to find her own way in her own time. This may be with or without you. You have taked the journey without any handholding. She needs to put her big girl pants on and decide what she needs to do for her. If she is willing to embark on the same solution oriented journey that we have all been on. Some choose not to, some choose to but stop when they start getting into the nuts and bolts of things.

We both know that once you start on this journey you have to face ALOT of stuff. It's alot to face but we chose not to stay stuck and the WAS's remain stuck. Our X's, WAS's are missing out on a much better version of us. THEIR loss IMHO.

You know what's best for yout sitch 2. I just don't want you to sit around and wait in the wings and have life pass you by. You deserve the best. So like 25 said, close the door but don't lock it if you so choose. That's pretty much where I am now. But if my STX comes thru that door, he's going to have to really have to work at to earn my trust and respect again. I will not let him hinder who I am now because I really like who I am. I feel that confidence just shines thru all the time now.

I agree with the rest. Don't be so readily avail to her. SHe lost her place of honor when she left.

[ninelives]

Good to see your post ZEn. Glad things are going well for you.

HOpe you continue to crawl out of this thing.

All the best


9

[2stepboogie]

I have taken a few days to re-read the post you guys have posted on my thread. I consider myself very fortunate to have such great advice and support. I want to offer special thanks for your patience and understanding throughout all this and for sticking with me.

25, Gritter

You are right. There are no guarantees in this nor in life in general, I think you always do something reaching for a certain goal though.

25 you had no guarantee to pass law school but you went, however your overall goal was to practice law.

I guess I have reviewed my feelings regarding this and I have been proceeding with the goal of reconciliation and that has been the wrong approach. I should proceed with the goal of self fulfillment whatever that might be.

I tell you why I struggle with this.

Prior to my separation my 5 year personal goals were very clear

1. Finish my Masters
2. Apply for a federal law enforcement agency DEA, FBI, ATF, US MARSHALLS
3. Attend OCS (Officer Candidate School) and become an officer
4. Try out for Special Forces.

Those were my personal goals. As it stands I am trying to figure out new goals to set for myself because now none of these goals are attainable except the Masters.

So my 5yr plan has vanished and I am re-assessing my life and trying to establish new goals.

Gritter I do love her, not the W or the reciprocation of her love but the woman, I believe I always will.

Look, I understand. I really do. BUT. You are talking about making a decision based on HER reaction. Based on something you do not control.

Not really Country, I am talking about making a decision based on what is better for me and how I view my life going forward. Maybe I just worded that poorly, it has been known to happen.

25: I do pray daily, I did a lot today actually I will explain why in a little bit. It helps most of the time. Some of my frustration stems with how I think I should be feeling 6 months into this. I get frustrated with myself that I still feel such great lost at times, although it is not as bad as it use to be it still happens. I know this is silly of me.

I find when I can't make a decision, that is the time to sit back and be still. The decisions come, in time

Cat; I think this is really the best thing I can do. Sit back relax and in timeI will have my answers.

I will journal a little bit on the tail end of this thread.

Sat i promised D I would take her to build a bear because she brought her grade up in math, a subject she struggles with quite a bit. The night before she was invited to a birthday sleep over that day and the day got away from us. After her piano class I told her I would make a deal with her. If she put off Build A Bear till Monday I would buy the bear 2 outfits instead of one. She decided she did not want to go to the party and just go to build a bear (BAB). To make a long story short she got pi$$y I got mad and took her home.

She got the house phone went to the basement and called XW crying. Told her I was being mean and was upset. They talked for about 15 minutes. Here is the story in a nut shell. D wanted to cancel the party to go get her bear and she wanted to go to the airport cause her grandfather was coming. He will be here a month and she had already said she would go to the party and they counted on her to be there. XW told her she could not be in 3 places at once and that she was so lucky to have to many things to do on that day. That maybe if she was nice and compromised with me she could still do the bear and still go to the party on that day but she had to be nice and accept whatever I told her. Then XW told her if she would like that she would talk to me. Of course D said yes.

XW: hey how are you?

M: Good was up.

XW: Talked to D. She is upset

M: Only a matter of time before she called you

XW: she is upset. I told her I would call and I did not want to be a liar. I am not trying to tell you what to do here

M: She needs to realize that the world does not revolve around her and if she commits to something she needs to do it.

W: i know but she is sad cause she has never gotten a B in math and that was a big deal to her. Listen to what she is saying to you, you use to b!tch at me all the time about that. Listen to what she says. She is just a little girl and got her feelings hurt cause she is sad. You do what you have to I am just throwing my two cents. You can prob get the bear and still make the sleep over with no problems. Don't make the same mistake I made and let your frustration affect the people you love the most that is all I am saying.

M: Yeah I guess you are right. I will talk to her and maybe we can make a deal.

W: Good. I told her she still might not get what she wanted but that I would at least talk to you.

M: Well I will talk to her

I did and we ended up going to the build a bear while I was there I realized I did not have a bday present so I ended up getting two bears. After I left I texted W and said.

M: Good thing I came b4 the party cause I forgot to get bday girl a present so we ended up getting two bears lol

W: lol oh glad it all worked out. Is everybody happy now? lol

M: Yup. thanks for the pep talk it's all smiles now

X: Good. And ur welcome anytime.....I sure do miss those days right now..

X: Minus grandpa coming lol (he is my stepdad and is a little annoying sometimes)

X: Hahahaha

M: Yeah she needed an ally today and went right to you. oh no worries grandpa is going to brothers house lol

X: lol I was teasing...sort of I am glad D feels better

That was it. I went out Sat night and was at the bar with a friend and she called.

M: Hello?

X: Hey everything work out ok today...............You busy?

M: Yeah I am actually out to dinner right now can I call you back in a few hours?

X: Sure

About 3 hours later I called but no answer so I left her a message basically telling her I was calling her back and I would be for a few minutes if she did not call back I would talk to her whenever.

Today I went to a communion and all our friends were there. All the families we vacation with every year all the wives all the kids and I was solo. First time I had seen everyone since Oct. I thought it would be a sick feeling for me but the real sick feeling happened when I left. As everyone said their goodbyes I walked back by myself to the car. It was very lonely, but oh well it was a short walk.

D went to the carnival with grandpa and grandma and I decided to take a nap. She calls around 4PM

X: Hey was up

M: Not much

X: Sorry last night I went to visit GF and did not hear my phone I was calling you back today. What are you up to

M: Oh went to communion saw everyone it was nice

X: Oh yeah. Good. Who were you out to dinner with last night?

M: A buddy watched the UFC fight. It was good

X and I were huge UFC fans and never missed a PPV fight I have not seen it since she left

X: I haven't seen it since I left I don't watch any of my old shows anymore either

M: Oh I haven't seen UFC in awhile I am out of the loop.

We talked about the fight for a few minutes then she said

X: Well I.............I don't know if I should tell you this

M: Well you already started

X: Yeah but........

M: Ok you don't want to tell me don't

X: I quit my job Friday. LOL

M: Oh yeah? You have something lined up?

X: Nope!! Well kind of I am interviewing for it I was told I am the only one applying with any experience so it is pretty much a shoe in but I don't have it yet.

M: Well you hated that job so good for you.

X: Yeah I was miserable.

Talked a few minutes more about that she mentioned she wanted to buy a new car this summer. Then the convo went to some of our friends

M: Yeah friend is due next week

X: Oh yeah? How nice. Everyone with their kids and little cute families. How nice. Sorry just a little bitter at the moment. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will never have kids.

M: Why do you say that?

X: Well in order to have kids you have to be M and in love and all that stuff

M: Well you are only 29 you are still young

X: yeah well.....

Talked a little more about her potential new job and the car she wants. That was pretty much it. Then tonight I am on the phone with a buddy and she calls again.

M: Hello?

W: What are you doing?

M: Nothing

W: Turn the TV on, the news!!

M: Ok.

I did talked for a minute and said goodnight. Then she texted me....

X: You watching it?

M: Yup. Fox news. I can't believe it

W: I know!! It's awesome!! Ur the first person I thought of to tell and new u prob weren't watching the news.

Texted back and forth about the news of Usama being dead and that was it.

I met D at the carnival today and we rode some rides together, while it was fun and we both had a good time inside you feel a little piece missing. It is just sad I think.

At this point I am just journaling and since this is too much crap to write I figured I would journal it here since I can type pretty quickly.

Anyways hopefully everyone is having a good night.

[ninelives]

You handled yourself like a champ 2step.

IMO, she baited you a few times in the convo for R talk but you steered away from it. That took some real Dbing resolve.

It must have felt real sad through out and you did it well. I thint that dog house will not be renovated any time soon.

Keep up the great work. Despite the D, I dont think she is done with you yet.

PATIENCE.

9

[ninelives]

She is NOT done with you yet. is what I meant to say.

[FellOnBlackDays]

2, as always, you are a shining example of how to handle the most difficult of situations. I must agree with Nine, I honestly don't think she is done with you yet. She sure calls alot for someone who is done. Seriously, take it from me. My W has not contacted me for anything in weeks. When I do contact her, she is short, to the point and always tries to get off the phone. Cat was right. When someone is done, they are done. They get the D and they don't play around. They treat the whole thing like a visit to the dentist. They get the dirty work done and move one. This is my W. Your W could not be any further from this. Yes, she got the D. But, I am not sure it was what she really wanted. My W, on the other hand, is getting exactly what she wanted and she is not looking back. Take stock in what you have here. Live your life, but keep the door open. I honestly don't think she is done just yet...

FOBD

[25yearsmlc]

2step,

I don't know if I told you this already but please check out Holly06 thread. She div and is now dating her ex h. It happens.

And she does call you pretty often. My question is about the child issue. Isn't D hers too? So, she means she fears she won't have any MORE children? What an interesting complaint to share with you...