OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

One sidebar: I think, next post, it may be time for a new thread.

[AJM80]

Ok, I don't understand what happened. You guys both let SMIL rile you up and push you farther apart....why didn't you both agree that she's overstepping and agree not to let her get to you? Wife probably felt threatened that even her family has turned against her, afraid that she'd taken a step towards a reunited family -then gotten smacked for not being willing to take 100 more right then, and it sounds like you guys engaged in a relationship convo right when you were both all worked up about SMIL's interference?

Come on, you're no rookie. Sometimes you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes and not let things escalate (and others should do the same for you). If it's done and you're fine with that, just keep it as a lesson for future relationships (including the one with your ex and D).

Sorry you had such a rough time - I HATE when other people start meddling and don't listen to me. Good job trying to get SMIL to stay out of it though - being honest about what you want and setting boundaries is a good thing, I think. And women love a man who will protect them. Good things to carry forward.

[AJM80]

Funny, we all sort of took a break at the same time. What's up on your end? Have you guys moved fwd with D? I both loved and was overwhelmed by vacation with 2 babies and all my sister's family. Am ready for a change I think. Shake my world up a bit - I like to do extreme things.

[OnMyWay]

Hi AJM80! Hope your vacation was productive for you.

As per my sitch, no we have not moved forward with D. W has not pursued it at all. I haven't had the money to get the ball rolling. Now that I think of it, W has artfully avoided the topic.

It has been a strange couple of weeks. After all the SMIL drama, as you know, I had enough. I had actually mentioned D a number of times and made my point quite clear that, while "this was not what I wanted, I need to move in some direction and, since you've made yourself perfectly clear that we won't be staying together, D is our answer." Her reaction to this was interesting. Not only did she dodge the issue, she began going out with her male friend (former friend of mine whom I know consider the OM - the guy from the movies on mother's day). She has always been hanging out with him, as they are part of the same party group. However, they began openly posting their "togetherness" on facebook. I took this to be one of two things: either they are finally being open about their relationship, or they are trying to push my buttons and see if they can get a rise out of me. Jury is still out about which it is, but either way, it didn't bother me and I never mentioned it.

Here's where it gets weird. Last Tues our D was to receive an award at school for being such a great student. W had school and couldn't go. I took the day off from work, so I could. About 20 mins before, W texted me that her class was cancelled and she was rushing over to meet me, so we could go together. "Great!" I said, as my kid would be thrilled. We went together. Not so weird, but it does get weirder.

On the walk home after, she cautiously asks me out to breakfast - to our old favorite breakfast joint. She pays. Then, we go home, hang out, and I decide I feel like a nap, and SHE JOINS ME. I didn't sleep long, but left her to it. I leave to go get D from school.

I had an appointment at 6 pm. She was suppose to stay with D, but since D went out roller skating with friends to celebrate, W decided to go home, even though I had offered to make her dinner when I returned. No big deal. I made plans with a buddy of mine instead.

She texted me at 7 pm, asking if I was done with my appointment and if it would be weird if she came over and hung out with me. She "didn't want to be alone." I changed my plans with my buddy, made her dinner, and we hung out all evening, similar to last time when we had our "make out" session. Except this time, we ended up ML!!! WTH?

Yesterday, she was suppose to come over and spend the day with D, as I had another appointment. She showed up at the last minute, looking stunning! WTH is going on here? I asked her if she had plans or something, what the occasion was, and she just said a fortune teller said she should just do it (inside joke about a fortune teller patient she had).

She stayed for dinner again, then we ended up talking openly about what's transpired. She obviously is working hard to revise history. All she could talk about was how great her party weekend was with her friends. That has obviously put some sort of spin on her emotions and she is just as confused as ever. Now, it's back to the ol' denial stage and we are right back on the same ol' roller coaster - except this time, I don't really care and I'm not gonna ride. This is her burden. I apologize for being crass, but if she wants to jump into the sack again, then fine, I'm all good with that. But on the rest of the BS, count me out.

So, anyone have any insight on this? Any suggestions on how to handle this sitch. What to do/not to do? Any female perspective, as I've long since given up on trying to figure any of this out? I think I'll stay my course for now. Keep doing for me. Keep moving forward. Keep makin' some money. Keep planning for MY future.

(* Sigh *)

[Timetotry]

I'm in a similar sitch with my H. He comes around more and more and wants family time. He's just not ready to 'commit' yet.

I think she maybe doing the same. Testing you to see if it would work out between you both.

I wouldn't suggest turning down any ML requests. Us females have an emotional attachment no matter what, plus the added bonus of feeling good!

Stay the course like you say. It seems to be working.

[~ kd ~]

OMW, you are doing fine.

If you are going to do yourself ONE favour in all of this. Act as if she is some new girlfriend you are interested in. Act as if there is no history except for this new R.

How would you be different if this wasn't your W? If this was some new person in your life that you were getting to know and starting an R with.

Because if this was some new woman, while you might hope to build a stronger R with her and you would go through all the normal stuff with dating, etc... You DO NOT have her and she could stay or she could go...

That, to me, seems the best course of action.

Congratulation on your new girlfriend. Hope things go well for the two of you...

[OnMyWay]

KD, I don't think that'll work here with W. If she were a potential GF, I'd pursue her if I were interested. In this sitch, that won't work, as any pursuit of W is taken as me pushing to get our M back in line. My best course of action here is inaction, I think. When I try avoid her, it piques her curiosity, she comes around more, and "feels me out." When I make the moves, she's uninterested. Best I leave her be.

Besides, I'm beginning to hate/dread the backlash. It makes the good times not worth the effort knowing the next time I see her, she'll be rather nasty or insulting to me. It negates any progress every time.

[AJM80]

Can you deflect the anger/grouch? Tell her her hair looks nice or you liked the shirt she wore yesterday. telling her to check her attitude at the door won't help, haha.

For us, having fav/upbeat music on when he showed up helped.

[OnMyWay]

Simple update:

Had a conversation with WAW last night; kind of interesting. It started off with her being kind of mad, as I have been doing some home improvement around home the day before. Then she informs me of how much she hates not being primary parent again - nothing new here, as we've traveled this road before. She even went so far as to again ask me to leave so she could move home to be a full-time mom. LOL, like that's going to happen.

Then it somehow came around to where we are at. She stated that she's put everything about our R on hold. I asked what her IC says about that and she told me the she feels the same - we're on hold. She doesn't want to come back, but doesn't want to let go either. I did get out of her that she is very angry at me, but I'm not sure she really knows why. However, I'm not sure that is not her just projecting her anger in general and placing the blame for it on me, if that makes sense. It's as if her anger needs to be focused somewhere, and I'm the convenient sucker. Oh well, it doesn't really bother me, as I'm feel pretty good in my own skin. I did finally ask her what she wants to do: work it out or get a D? She said, she wants to get into a time machine and go back to before all this happened. She also said she just wants to get through school - as if nothing can happen until that's over.

Anyhow, she had originally been in a hurry to get out, but ended up staying, talking, then having a glass of wine, until I informed her it was 11:30 pm - two hours had gone by. She had to be up in the morning - she had lost track of time only to rush out the door.

Later, I get this text: "I'm sorry I'm leaving u hanging... it's not fair to u, and I know this... I'm still trying to heal from all the [censored] we've been through... not sure I'm ready for more heart ache... I miss my little girl so much... I miss being her full time mommy. I just don't want that to be my only reason to be back in the same home as u. I hope that makes sense. Not trying to sound harsh."

It make perfect sense and I agree. It is the most sense she's made in a long time.

Poor girl. She's so obviously conflicted that she doesn't know what to do. The solution seems so simple to me, but she just can't see what's starring her in the face. I, of course, cannot show it to her, as she must figure it out on her own. Only question I have is how much longer can my patience hold out. My current options are limited, so I'm not planning to go anywhere, but there's also no guarantee that I'll be around if she figures it out. One thing's for sure, I've already had enough of this to last a lifetime.

On a side note, I read a book called "The Power of Eye Contact" by Michael Ellsberg as I wanted to rebuild my self confidence and learn to connect better with people in my business. It was interesting as I was reading, I remembered how when WAW and I first got together, she was very intimidated to look into my eyes. I have quite a powerful/intense gaze and she avoided it for the longest time. After remembering those times, I figured this could be a 180 experiment for me, as I've realized that much of the power of our connection was established through my ability to gaze at her. Part of the theory of the book is that, done properly, direct eye contact between two people is the most powerful personal connection possible. WAW and I haven't looked into each others eyes in years.

So, last night, I gave it a go and realize she is hiding from me more now that she ever had in the past. If eyes are the windows to the soul, there's something in there she doesn't want me to see. I've been using these techniques with clients and I find they let their guards down very quickly. WAW's biggest complaint is that we lost our "connection." Interesting to see if I can subtly "eye" some of that back. Perhaps we can at least offset some of the "pressure" of our R.

[ironMan]

I just wanted to check in here and say hi, OnMyWay.

yes, she is confused. I see the same sort of confusion. Very confused.

interesting about the eye contact