Won't stand for a broken family

[Timetotry]

Journaling:

Well did give in last night. I still think the physical contact of kissing and to ML helps the DB mode and hey, I slept better.

Text at 9:30am: Good morning, Happy Mothers Day to you! Let me know if there is anything I can get on my way over..thanks for our wonderful 4 kids, you are a great mommy! We are all lucky to have you. Me: Thanks for the acknowledgement.

H came over with dog, flowers for me and the food. I said "thanks for the flowers" and he said “Of course your welcome, you’re the mother of my children, I will always get you something no matter what.” Wasn’t really sure how to take that statement and it actually hurt a bit. So played with the dog and just hung out back soaking some sun. He finished cutting the grass and sat a bit with me and the dog too. Just sat, didn’t say much let alone anything of importance but I was enjoying the moment. He did say either day this weekend is fine to have the kids cause its not like he is on a dating spree. OK WTF! I didn't say or show any emotion.

When he was prepping dinner and all I said what can I do to help because I know he gets stressed. He said “Nothing, just sit there and look pretty”. Ok, that was weird. So when it was almost done I said what do we need left and he said "I got it, its less stress now that I have a puppy". Weird again. We had dinner as a family (well less D1) and he did the dishes. I said “I got it H” and he said “No its Mother’s Day I got it”. I again said thanks for the flowers that he didnt' have too and found out he went to a different store to get them from the steaks cause he knows how I prefer a different store's meat. I again don’t know what to think. We were outback after and he saw neighbors and went to them to show them the dog, Faith. Heard them say the heard we got a dog. Ok now if this isn’t his neighborhood now, what is he doing?

H left a little later of which in front of the kids he kissed my forehead and said “Happy Mothers Day” again. Ok, WTF again.

What does this all mean? I just have to let today be today, I know, but its so hard not to read into things. Is this progress or just 'more of the same'?

Ugh, what does anyone who reads this think? Am I over-analyzing?

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[Timetotry]

Of course texting starts, just saying the dog was wiped out. So, I thanked him again for today and wanted him to know just how much I appreciated everything he did today and for last night and the time we spent as a family. He responded that its the least he can do. Had a few more texts but nothing of substance.

What to make of this? Patience, add some more patience and throw in a bit more patience and toss out some of the frustration!

[Timetotry]

Good day, getting more of them recently.

Texts at 1 today asking how I am and we exchange work stuff/issues for the next hour. Later take D3 to game and he texts saying he got work project done so he will be over. Talked to me more about his staff work issues. All upbeat and I listened and validated his points (which is a 180 cause I always gave my professional opinion to him about work issues).

Came home and he started texting more again. Even said he'd pick up dinner tomorrow night instead of taking them out and to get everyone's orders, me included. Something as little as this means so much to me these days.

D2 came home and she remembered being at game with H last week what he was saying to work guys that were also there with them. She said how the other two guys were talking about the beach, drinking on the beach, kids on the beach, etc. She said H talked about what he does and the family time we spend enjoying. She said he was even talking 'present/future' tense. This was another big point to me to think steps are in the right direction.

Scared to see the downhill part of the ride that I am sure is just around the corner again.

[NEmoose43]

Time, I hear you on the little things they say that you want to take as hopeful. It's almost like they drop these little subconscious things in there, and then they catch themselves and pull back.

My schedule at work is going to be changing in a few weeks, and in a text convo today I mentioned to wife that I'd finally have Saturdays and Sundays off for the first time in my entire working life (worked in bars, retail, and the fitness industry...no weekends for me till now!). After talking about when I'd be at work, I had to throw in "Be nice to have Sundays off together..." W answered "Yes it would be."

A huge amount of advice that I've received on here is not to try and read anything into what the WAS says...but c'mon! I wanted to do a damn back flip when I read that.

It really sounds like you two are moving in more of a positive direction. He seems to be making a lot of contact. I'd say keep doing what you're doing and stay strong!

[Timetotry]

My IC just said again yesterday that my H and I have to start talking about the R. She suggested (since I don't want to be the one bringing up R) to say that my therapist says we need to meet twice a week for two hours to discuss issues or just spend that time together to determine if we want a M or a D. So that we are both on the same page in the grieving process and no one is surprised. Maybe twice a week is too much (seems it to me) but even once a week without kids around. Maybe call it a 'meeting to discuss a going forward plan"? I dunno what term I'll use yet either but that one comes to mind.

H brought over dinner last night and the dog but only stayed for an hour. Light conversation but as me and D2 notice, its all about him or the dog. Doesn't even ask the kids whats going on. I am a bit concerned that my IC is right and I am just not seeing this personality disorder until now. He leaves and hour later texts saying thanks for letting him over and sorry he couldnt stay longer. He said he wanted to get some sleep since he has to get D1 at college tomorrow and its an 8 hour ride. Funny, talked to D2 at 11pm and she was just texting with him cause he was planning a soccer tournament for June. Now I don't know what to think again. Is he just keeping distance? Is he done?

Waiting takes a serious toll on me some days.

[Timetotry]

Journaling:

Wed H had to pick up D1 from college. All day I was getting texts and even a few calls as if we were M. To the point that he called me to hear a song on the radio that was played again and again our last trip down. One call he even slipped 'babe'. Told D1 on the ride home that we are communicating so much better. Told D1 he hopes that the dog would not be an issue if he decides to move home. He also kept referring to 'home' and not 'the house' to her. She came home saying he kept talking about me and it seems as if he wants back.

Yesterday met up at D3s softball game. Sat next to me and asked me about my last few work days, etc. I started getting cold, he ran to my car to get my jacket even though I said I didnt need it. He said about a job offer in Florida but said "we can't just up and move for that its not enough". Wow, we? Future? Came home and H started texting and even calling. didnt respond right away ans was asking if I was mad at something. I said no and what made him feel that way and he didn't know why. The said he will pick up dinner and be over around 6.

Today H text about dinner and said he will be over and asked the order. Told him kids orders. He text again saying "What do you want?". I wanted to see if he even wanted to include me.

I feel as if I am detaching more, especailly last night and it seems as if when I do, he is drawn in. Hope tonight brings more positive energy.

Just don't know if I should bring up what the IC said.

[25yearsmlc]

just began reading your sitch, and have a few questions.

Have you read the DB books? (Esp the Div Remedy one, b/c you already know you don't want a div and the first book, DB, spends time on how bad divorce is, which we "get").

Do you see how your approach did not work? So, now what are you doing to show your h that marriage to you NOW, and going forward, would be different than before?

Thing is, if he feels that you will never forgive him, how can he come back?

And if you continue to bring things up from the past or hold it over his head, well, you trap both of you in this same pattern.

My DB coach said "Keep the road home, paved and smooth".
Do you "get" that?

[Timetotry]

Thanks 25 for your response.

Yes, read both books so far 3 times. Read 5LL too so I can make sure I 'fill his jar'.

I do get the idea of 'road home paved and smooth' and it has been for many weeks now. No negativity at all. He has said he is confused which is better than the original few weeks of threats. Texting and even calling me more, I think its progress although my IC says it isn't because we don't talk about issues.

I don't bring up the past and even said one time when he said he is scared to come back to get hurt that I believe we can't bring up the past and start from today on. I believe he is just giving it time to see if the changes stick. He seems to test me of which I have not backslided at all. He has told kids he sees me 'finding myself' which is a 180 too.

My IC wants me to bring up how we are in limbo for too long. I said that's not the DB method. She doesn't think that will work for him. She believes he is in a MLC due to childhood trama and I am the blame now. She suggested saying that it was her idea in so that we talk about issues to determine if we should work on the R or get a D. I am not ready for that. I am not scared of what he would say, I just don't think he knows right now and that would only push back the progress.

Any thoughts? Would love to have your wisdom.

[25yearsmlc]

I'll have to read your thread in more detail. My gut is resisting your IC's push to do R talk and pressuring him when things are looking up, but I don't know what evidence there is that your h has a personality disorder. Did she use those actual terms? Is she qualified to assess HIM? How so? I mean have they met at length? Those things (personality disorders) are big deals...potential nightmares.

What's up with that? Any insights there? WTH? I'm a L fyi. Long ago I worked with sex abuse victims and there were many who were NOT abused...I know, I know, MOST WERE...but quite a few were "diagnosed" by recovered memories, by unqualified people who later discovered, oops, it could NOT have happened at all, or that way, or with that man, etc...many lives were ruined by careless diagnoses. So I'm asking what's up with all that?

[Timetotry]

My IC says he does have a personality disorder and is a narcissist. She says he has borderline psychosis but not all hope is lost. She said it will take a long time in therapy. H wants no part of counseling, he thinks its a waste.

His parents had a D when he was 4 cause mom had met OM and they married. OM had a breakdown, threatend to kill mom when he was 17. OM ended up in jail until a few years ago for trying to have someone killed (he was paranoid against roofing unions). That same year H (17 years old, senior year)had first love being told they can no longer be together because of a car accident. My H had a slip on ice and went over the road. It killed his younger brother and hurt GF brother (coma for a few months but then was ok). H turned to drugs for a few months, after graduated went to college for two months and dropped out. I met him a few years later but he was still lost. I supported him, put him through school, got him his first real job too. Finally able to take the lead, and decided he can't take it anymore.

IC thinks he really never loved me that he doesn't understand real love. Tough pill to swallow when for 20 years, despite some issues, I believe we had a great life.

His brother's anniversay death is Jan 3rd, coincidentally two days later he dropped the bomb. I can sure pick them from the way this sounds but he really wasn't that bad all these years IMO.