A trip to NYC?? Oh man that should be fun. Lot's to do and see in the Big Apple. Ever been whitewater rafting?? It is a lot of fun and if your going to be in NYC there are some places a few hours away that offer some great rapids.
FOBD man we have been at this for a long time, seems like years sometimes but you know what happens every morning?
I do plan on buying myself a few things I have always wanted. I am going to travel to New York City for the first time ever in May. And, I plan on getting certified for sky diving this summer. That is about as much as I know right now. But, I am sure more will come to me as the time passes. I also need to buy some new furniture to replace what was lost. Who knows what the future holds...
Sounds great!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well, this isn't much of an update, but I felt like I had been out of the loop here on the forum for too long. No contact whatsoever from my wife in a week. Apparently, if I don't call her, there will be no contact. I don't really know what I am going to do about that, if anything. I guess she has made up her mind and is sticking to her guns.
Met with my A today. I signed the petition for divorce and handed him $225 and left. Not much else exciting to report. I came home, set the petition on the counter and just looked at it for quite a long time. I just kept standing there looking at my name over the word "versus," which sat above her name. Never in a million years would I ever have thought our names would be on the opposite sides of the word "versus." For 15 years, it was us against the world. We were a team. A partnership. A bond that was to be unbreakable. Now, it is her against me according to the paperwork sitting in my kitchen.
I am truly at a loss for words at this moment. You guys know how long winded I am usually. But, tonight, I just don't know what to say. I am paralyzed by a stack of papers sitting on my counter.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
It is difficult when you see the writing and the feeling of reality hits home. I cried when I saw her name signed on the separation paper but I got through it and so will you FOBD.
I know what you mean about the surreal feeling when you see the vs thing. You were a team and it was US. But the key word is "was"
I remember when I first found out about the OM , I said that I would love to engage in a fight with him and beat the crap out of him and my wife said dont do that.
I said something like, who would you be rooting for and then it dawned on me, she would be rooting for him. My bestfriend would want to see me get beat up.
I know how silly that sounds but it was so incredible to me that she would actually feel that way despite all we've been through.
It will get easier for all of us FOBD, someday.
We have to experience all these things, step by step and come out the other side as better people, with or without them.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Man, this has been a rough week. I have been so damned down all week. Meeting with the A and all the paperwork has been more than I can handle. In a few minutes, I will pick up the phone, call my soon-to-be ex-wife and inform her that the petition for D is ready for her signature. I am sick to my stomach.
15 years of love, laughter and life will be nullified by two signatures. Two signatures started this 10 years ago and two signatures will end it. I feel like someone has stolen my soul. Lately, I have become a zombie. I get up, I go to work, I go to the gym, I go to bed. I just can't take the "little deaths" that I can't seem to get away from. You know what I am talking about. It isn't one big thing. It isn't a firing squad or the electric chair. The whole thing has been death by a thousand cuts. She comes home and tells me she is leaving. I died a bit. She writes me a "Dear John" letter to tell me she doesn't love me anymore. I died a bit. She runs off to another country and starts an EA with OM. I died a bit. She ignores me through the holidays. I died a bit. She steals her stuff from the house. I died a bit. She starts pulling all kinds of under-handed stuff. I died a bit. She tells me she is not coming back and wants a divorce. I died a bit. I make the decision to get the divorce for her. I died a bit. I found the A, filed the paperwork, paid the bill. I died a bit. See the picture. This has been seven months of punch after punch and I just don't think I can take any more. Maybe this D will actually save me. I am so tired of getting up each morning left to wonder if today I will lose another piece of me.
BITS, I am sorry that I have not been around to pump everyone up lately. I just don't have it in me right now. Every person meets their limit at some point. Not to mention, I just don't think I am the one to be giving advice to anyone right now.
For the past seven months, I have been living a lie. I come here and preach the principles and I try my best to live them. And, I have been fairly successful, but I secretly always believed she was going to come back. I never stopped telling myself each night as I laid down to sleep that I was one night closer to her return. I have lived secretly with expectations for months. Well, I have no more expectations. For the past six months she has not ONCE called me just to talk. She calls when she wants in the house. She calls me when she needs things. She calls me to tell me she wants out. But not once in the past seven months has she called just to see if I am OK. This is not a fluke. This is who she is now and I don't think she has any plans on changing back. In a couple of days I am sure we will sit down to fill out our community property settlement and that will more than likely be the last time I will ever see her. There will be no "Hail Mary, Doug Flutie" moment. The clock is dangerously close to 00:00 and I am out of bullets, out of trick plays and out of time. I guess I am left to save myself because my marriage will not be saved.
No, I will not give up. I will continue to stay dedicated to me and who I want to be. But, there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. My wife has checked out and has absolutely no interest in checking back in. This divorce will not be "busted." But I guess I kind of knew that could happen when I came here. I truly now know what it means to be powerless. Please let this be the last time I feel this for some time.
Wife, I am so sorry. I never in a million years ever thought we would end up here. I loved you, but I could save you from me. I will wear this scar for the rest of my life. I miss you. I miss the laughter. I miss my best friend. You were the biggest part of me and now you are gone. This will always be the biggest failure of my life. I wish this could have been different. But wishes don't pay the piper. Actions do. And my actions were, as you pointed out, too little, too late. If you could only see me now and who I have become. But I guess you never will. That is a shame. You probably really would have fallen in love with me all over again.
Well, this phone call isn't going to make itself. I guess tonight I will die a little again... Stay strong team.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
FOBD I only have one thing to say take it as a message of hope if you can. You don't have a crystal and you cannot predict the future from the past. You're not a mind reader, mentalist, or fortune teller.
Be strong friend. This may be the blackest moment in your life right now, but it is also the beginning of a new sunrise.
(((FOBD)))
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
BITS, I am sorry that I have not been around to pump everyone up lately. I just don't have it in me right now. Every person meets their limit at some point. Not to mention, I just don't think I am the one to be giving advice to anyone right now.
You don't have to come here to give advice. Come here to bitch. Come here to journal. Come here to read. Come here to, well, you get the idea.
Get out of the rut man. I know it's hard. But you talk about just the same old same old. Do something different! It will feel forced at first. It probably won't even be fun at first. But get yourself out man. Do something you enjoy. At least something you used to enjoy.
I know I can be the same way sometimes. Sometimes we strangely want to sulk. To focus on negatives. Sometimes we want the pain. But really, it's not healthy man.
This is actually a big 180 for me. I tended to be a negative person. Focus on what is wrong rather than what is right.
How does that help?
It's not the life we might have chosen, but we all still have a life in front of us. Unwritten and ready to be explored. Go explore it!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
