Oh, Johnny, I'm not going to let you have it tonight. You've had quite the day. LL gave you some really good suggestions. You see, we women do think and talk a different language from men. The suggestions she gave you are good examples of what we appreciate our spouses doing to help us out. If you do one or even two of them once in a while and not say anything, I bet she would notice and start softening up a bit. You aren't the only one under a lot of stress right now, so is she. I think you need to have a nice chat over coffee in the am and let your w know that you would really like to take her out to dinner alone. That you two haven't spent any time alone for quite a while and would like to catch up on what is going on in her life at work, etc. You may even suggest that you two do this now and say that the three of you will go out another night and make that one family night. Of course, if you really wanted to get her attention, just ask her for a date. You know, the way you used to do when you first met her. That really would get her attention. If one way won't work, try something else. Johnny, you've got to get your w out of the house for a bit so that the two of you can reconnect as h and w, and not as roommates. It's hard when an ill mil is living in the house. It doesn't give either party much privacy. As for the ow, you did the best you could. You may want to consider doing something different at lunch. May I ask a question? Were you the life of the lunch group? Were you the jokester that kept them laughing? I'm just trying to figure out why a gaggle of women would want a man to join their group. If you don't want to share, that's understandable. Don't worry about the way the ow said her farewells this evening. You are now getting way too sensitive every time she says or does something. Relax, you know what you have to do and you'll do it. I'm sure when she returns to her own building, the contact will be less frequent. When the weather gets better, you may want to start walking at lunch or working out at the gym. I sincerely hope that you and your w will get the opportunity to go out to a nice dinner this weekend. Do something really special. Have a nice weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, I had a day eh? I am sitting here at midnight awake. Your using a lot in the past form. Yes, I WAS the life of the table for a bit and still can be, when all this stuff isn't piled on. The last thing I want to do is bring gloom to the table. The last thing I did was leave the table early just because I had work things to do. Also if I see my being there is bothersome in any way I make it short and go and that has been on the increase. So you probably firgure I was just nice to have around and this has all gone to my head? I feel like crap over how I acted today with her but abstainance(sp?) to me was the best thing. You have a good grasp on the entire situation snods after what I've put out today on this board. Its the other perspective I am so confused on. I dont see myself lay g it out again in this amount of detail as seen in this thread this time around.
On the W front, well, all was dull in the bedroom tonight and even after her mom turned in for the night prior to turing off the tv things were quiet, I was sleepy on the couch. I could not sleep in bed so I am up listening to rain and reading and my son is up also. (19 living at home and going to local college) Well on house stuff, I do loads of laundry (theres much more that her mom is here) but it never seems to be enough and we have a dish washer and take turns with it. I now make the bed everyday now that our waterbed is gone. That was the hardest bed to keep wrinkle-free and getting rid of it did decrease some of those arguments. She does go off if the trash in'st out promptly. So I think I'm getting the jist of all that there. More emphasis on the little things, sounds quite do-able. I know one thing.... I can dust better than her so maybe I'll start doing that. She misses so many places and thinks she's doing a good job. All I know is if being married is being miserable and arguing, well I cant see living like that too much longer one way or the other.
Well, your message snods started out with an 'Oh Johnny' and I must look pitiful. I feel pitifil. On the concert thing, I was only being asked to go by a person who said 'we all should go out sometime' like I'm one of the girls or something. Well, for one thing, these ladies will be going to a bad town to this thing but I still am not going just to be protection and also ow is one of the ones going and I do not know her position on me being there. As far as I know it would be three or four of us. I say let the girls go and do their screamy jumpy concert thing, and I just might be extra nice to my W that night like she deserves instead. I should go back and read what I wrote today but I rarely do so. I write what is happening for the time.
Johnny, I don't feel pity for you. From what you've written, it sounds like you are trying your best to help your w out at home. But I wonder if you are showing her, from your body language, that you aren't happy w/doing these things. You are resenting her for not being able to keep up w/everything and also resenting the mil for creating the problems in your home right now. Sometimes we give off vibes when we aren't happy about things and this could be causing some problems between the two of you also. I had forgotten that your son was living at home. Is he a full or part time student at the local college? Is he doing his fair share at home? If he's not, it's time to introduce him to some of the household chores. Now, don't shake your head, if he were out living on his own, he would be doing them. Suggest that he take the trash out every once in a while or drop a load of laundry in the washer/dryer. Every time someone does something, it will make the load a little lighter for all. I'm going to ask you a few questions and you don't have to answer them if they make you uncomfortable. Do you feel more comfortable being w/a group of women or men? Do you communicate better w/women or men better? I noticed the time you posted. Do you have a problem sleeping at night? Do you find your mind racing? Are you easily distracted? Yes, I think I do understand the situation w/the gaggle of women, but I'll know more once you've told me about how your communication skills are w/women and men. I sincerely hope that you'll have a relaxing weekend. You do need a break to think about things and how you will divide and conquer the projects that you have on your plate. Try to find a little balance this weekend between the things that have to be done and what you would like to do for relaxation/fun.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do you feel more comfortable being w/a group of women or men? This sounds like a 'how do I view my masculinity' question or something btu it doesn't matter who I'm with group-wise. I find it a little awkward over a long period to be with these ladies at lunch all the time. I used to be in a great group of guys but when the throat-cutting started, well, that group broke apart...one guy jealous of the other etc. In my work, the type of class your in seems to play a prt as to who you hang with, like the ladies are more 'from the old school' and prefer a down-to-earth guy around instead of a geeky type. I can sort of be both but am more down to earth socially but 'no my sh*t' when it comes to work things when called upon and am quite handy outside of work as well. The ladies seem to dig guys in that category around my workplace. The place is typically scientists etc. I do feel like a rooster in a hen house at times when I stop and look around a nd that freaks me out once in a while that these ladies trust me I think and they really should but what are they up to?
Do you communicate better w/women or men better? I seem to be more able to communicate with men better but I can play the other side quite well also as far as day to day stuff but when women want to talk about periods and having kids etc. well I feel way out of place. They did that on one lunch a couple weeks ago and I vowed to stop going then. I then asked myself 'what am I with THEM' for. With guys, I can talk fishing, computers, cars, planes, to cooking,some office politics, etc. with no trouble at all, and with ladies I can talk food, cooking,husbands, clothes, wives, shopping, shop gossip (but the ladies dont understand office politics too well).
Do you have a problem sleeping at night? at times yes, especially wehn I've had an emotional day where something has not gone as it should or I have a problem to solve.
Do you find your mind racing? Mind racing? constantly. day and night.
Are you easily distracted? yes. very much so. I cannot sit and do one thing unless I force myself but it is quite hard. DO I have ADD or something? It even affects my work. At home, with W and MIL though, her mom is a part time job by herself and I help where and whenever I can. We are working these issues. Therapies are going to be taking place daily here. That is a step in the right direction for sure for her.
ok, so am I stressed or what? I dont spend as much time busting butt to keep wife calm because its nearly impossible to make her happy most of the time. It lasts only a matter of minutes fi we succeed and if one does something for her it is usually not to her standards but we do our best. I do hand out things for son to earn his keep here. He is full time college.He is much easier to deal with than stepson was. Stepson left becuase W was so hard to please. In W's defense though, many tasks around here are ours to do ,married or not so I understand I'd be doing them anyway if I were by myself as would junior. I then get to the point of why the heck am I married then? Well, it was for security and not have to deal with the nightclub scenes mainly back then, then to raise her son and then she gave me a son of my won and it went from there. With them gorwn now, well, I fall back to the original reason I got married to begin with. SHe cannot have any mroe kids since age 25 so I do regret not having another, perhaps a daughter but thats history. So I should be tracking what sets her off and try and remedy that right? Thats what we try to do anyway. She always finds something else needing doing once we finish the one thing and so on.
So, I made a few meals over the weekend for W. I was quite occupied with the weather and basment leaks as was the rest of the state on Saturday. I managed to curl up with her on the couch for a while and watch some tv so that was rare but nice. Sex wise, uh cant remember the last one of them we had and it wasn't on V day either. I dont go into bed ever expecting that.
ok, I'm contemplating making dinner so I need to get at it. Thanks Snods, for your responses.
Johnny, The reason for all of the questions is to better understand you and your environment. I suspect that the women feel comfortable w/you around. You aren't making them feel stupid or beneath you. You sound like you are very knowledgeable about a lot of domestic things around the home. Things that women like to talk about. Now, about their personal issues, they shouldn't be discussing them around you. Don't allow them to disrespect you. Okay? The other reason that I had questions is because I wanted to see if what I suspected may be true. Is it possible that you are suffering from a form of depression? Not being able to concentrate is one of the symptoms of depression. Why did you think you were ADD? Did your father or mother have ADD? I'm glad you were able to help your w out a bit. Hopefully the weather will hold and your basement won't flood. One day at a time is the only way to go. You are starting to sound a tad bit calmer! Have a great week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am calmer snods, and figure the ladies like me around. I think I abused that with ow and really feel horrible in that regard. I am going to avoid all contact this week as a goal and I have only one thing coming at the end of the week that involves her and it is a work realated thing.
Her one and only email last week was about just that one work thing. My one and only email was a response to it and I held back sending anything this weekend . I used ot like to have a little jokey kind of email waiting for her on mondays but not this time. I'm not kidding myself any longer and I'm gaining emotionally by staying away in general even though I have my pitfalls.
Should be an interesting week. W has only blown up like once or twice today and I have done all the cooking and feel like my old self a little in doing little things like that. MIL thinks I'm the greatest cook in the world but all I do is follow the damn instructions on the box. Like you said, if I was alone, I'd be doing these things anyway so I'm just doing them and the heck with it.
Let's try that philosophy for a while and keep track how nuts-o I get this week and we'll see what the causes are.
Darn I sound smart all of the sudden.
On ADD, parent didnt have it but my mom died from alcoholism andI think she drank a lot while pregnant with me. I have had depression for quite a while and have been treated off and on back when I was 19 and over the last several years off and on and various meds. I dont know if the alcohol has anything to do with it.
Johnny, If you backslide w/the ow, chalk it up as a mistake and keep moving forward. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just keep trying. Now, I want you to sit down and do some really serious thinking for me. Okay? You mentioned that your w blew up a couple of times this morning. Has she always had a short fuse or has this been happening since the mil moved? What was she like tempermentally throughout the marriage? The reason I'm asking this is that I'm reading an excellent book called "The Depression Source Book" by Brian P. Quinn. It has a lot of information and examples that can be applied directly to your situation. He states that people who nit pick/complain about minor things could very well have mood disorders and depression. You mentioned that you've suffered from depression off and on during your life. Can you think of what may have triggered the "spells of depression"? Johnny, how was your childhood? I know that you mentioned your mother was an alcoholic, but what about your father and close relatives? Were your parents verbally or physically abusive to you? Do you want to talk about your childhood a bit? If not, I understand. It's not an easy subject for some people. Always remember that depression is anger turned inward. If you want to talk, the posters will listen and not pass judgement upon you. We may offer up our opinions, but you are a human being and none of us is perfect. You keep the positive thoughts and everything will work out for you today. Have a nice day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ok. Ow is no longer working in my bldg. so meeting with her is not as easy. I was making any excuse I could to NOT meet her unless I was being blatently rude in doing so. Stil, I only had lunch twice last week and then wiht weather, I did not have any other meetings with her. We still share casual email only in regards to her new home or dieting news either of us may have. I feel I have successfully swung my affection back to m W by about 98% with lots of emphasis on my W's well bring over her stroke mom. Her mom has 'in home' therapy starting this week. Weather has played a factor in lots of this weeks events. My work is in big demand of my talents lately and I am getting back into my job almost in the capacity I used to be in but the people at the facility are still quite cut-throat and thats the nature of that business in some degree. I am trying to get back to the way things were with comradery amungst the folks there.
Here at home, W and I tried to get to dinner last night but had my stepson over which lasted longer than planned. My bioson even offered to watch MIL while we went to dinner and W even thoght that was a good idea. I grew quite discouraged depite how badly we needed to go out that she dropped everything to be home with my stepson and his new baby and girlfriend. I guess so long as it was a break in the action for her, it would be fine but I really wanted ot get out and do so with myW at my side. We think next week we may be able to try again. I have proceeded to get more home items done since I did not get out.
SO, I;'m alive. I even found myself in a good enough mood to tell W I am anxious to spend another 20 years with her but then the yelling started and I stopped short of saying that for now. I did end up doing many things outside of home without any companionship at all and I am quite upset about that. I cut a few things short so that I can do other things at a later time with W using bio-son as a sitter.
It's nice that you are feeling better in relation to your W, but in order for things to work, I think you need to have NO contact what-so-ever with OW. Even casual emails are not a good idea. It doesn't matter if you are blatently rude to her or not. She has a H and you have a W.
Sorry your evening with W didn't happen. I wouldn't take it too personally though. New babies can be quite a draw. I sure wouldn't miss an opportunity to play with one, especially when it's a grandchild. Just my opinion.
