Charcoal, There is nothing going on between Johnny and myself. I have been reading his postings on Michele's board for over 2 months and his other postings on the Mid-Life Forum. I didn't post to him until Feb. 14th when I was sure that something was seriously wrong. I am concerned about his mental health. On the Mid-Life Forum, his writing style is very professional, a very knowledgeable man who writes without typographical and/or grammatical errors. He comes to the Divorce Busting Board in a matter of days and his writing style is totally different--typographical and grammatical errors and his mouse and keyboard have nothing to do with it. This drastic change in writing style sends up red flags to me. Either his meds are too strong or too weak. He never mentions seeing a professional to help him sort things out. Yes, he talks about setting up an appointment, but he never does. On his other thread, he's talking about taking St. John's Wort and Kava for depression. That's a big mistake if he's on AD's. I don't want to see him have a heart attack any more than anyone else does, but he's not listening to what the posters are telling him he needs to do. It takes two to make a marriage. If one isn't aware of what is going on, it is up to the other to sit down with that person and talk to them. From what I have gotten out of his postings, they never appear to have the time to actually sit down and discuss the problems in a rational manner. He needs to see a therapist alone and so does she before they can actually sit down together with one. They both have issues, however, we are only hearing his side of the story. Constantly talking about the problem will not help it go away. He continues to complain about his situation, but nothing ever appears to happen. People have given him suggestions about his mother-inlaw and I know others have told him to sit down with his wife and talk about the situation. There's nothing more any of us can do. We can listen till the cows come home, but it's not going to resolve his issues. No one is trying to "fix" him, but he's the one that came to us looking for guidance with his issues. It's up to him if he wants to continue to live in a stressful situation. However, he will have to be the one to make the first move in getting professional help for himself. Sometimes that's the way it has to occur. If the stress continues to build and his personality continues to pinball, I shudder to even think that he may harm himself. I care about each and every poster that is on this board. When I see that they are stressed or are writing in a strange manner, from their usual writing style, I get very concerned. The only fix for this man's problem is to see a professional and leave the married ow alone.
Johnny, It is up to you if you wish not to post again. Just know that people do care about you. We wouldn't be coming down so hard on you about the ow, your marriage and seeking professional help if we didn't care. I will say one thing, had you stayed on the Mid-Life Forum, I can almost guarantee that the posters over there would not have put up with all of your complaining and your not taking responsibility and doing something about your situation. The posters over there are not as sympathetic as the posters here. I know, I'm a member over there too and have seen how they come down hard on people. They are less forgiving. I truly wish you the best and hope that you will take what I have written and think about it. You've got a good head on your shoulders and a very kind heart, but you have to start thinking about your physical and emotional well being. If you don't take care of yourself, no one will. Please seek professional help and soon. If you can't make an appointment immediately, go to your agency's Employee Assistance Program office for help. It's free and they will help you and it's confidential!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks again Snods, I must say I have written in this board more hurridly, 'on the run' really, because I don;t hardly know when I sit down if my phone is going to ring or someone is at my door, or at home, if a thud is going to occur forcing me to drop my sentence in progress and see what the heck just happened. Other times I have more thought I can put in, edit etc. and correct what my laptop may have done to me. I am not on my laptop here for example. The meds thing....uh, yes, I fluctaute and I get pretty damn depressed after ow episodes. I'm much better away from her.
Charcoal, set little goals for yourself and achieve them. These serve as tick marks of your progress and it is quite important to seeing how far you've gotten.(just a helpful tidbit)
You all have helped. You really have. As I said in the mlc area here, I only saw ow accidentally in the cafe today (after 5 days of zero contact) and the 'group' was sitting for lunch and I only briefly joined them. I can feel where I could pull open the bag of feelings for her as she sat across from me and go at it with myself again, but I shrugged the feelings off (are you listening Charcoal?) and ate, was polite and then went about my work. I have found forging ahead in this new direction, much like a snow path which has already been walked through a few times, that it is easier to continue on this rather than fall back where I was and go in a depression circle.
All the answers are there for me. Charcoal, hang in there. It gets better if you forge on the new path and get some distance behind you on the new path.
Johnny, Glad to see you decided to hang in here. I had to chuckle because you remind me of a little boy who has been caught w/his hand in the cookie jar. When I turned the heat up a bit, you became angry and annoyed w/me and threatened to leave the board. Your ploy doesn't work w/me. I knew you'd be back today. Now, let's discuss your stress of today. When you are stressed, is there any way that you can go to your office, shut the door, close your eyes and think of something pleasant, i.e., like a walk on the beach, boating, or take a quick walk around the building? Or Sometimes doing this will help to alleviate the stress/tension you are feeling at that moment. Just food for thought. I don't smack hands very often, but I did want you to understand that I'm going to stay on you about the OW until she's out of your system. She's an addiction, just like alcohol or drugs. It's the admiration, attention, etc. that you get from her. You aren't getting that at home, but that's where you need to speak to your w about your feelings. I'm not kidding here, you need to try to arrange to get the both of you out of the house for a nice dinner and relax a bit and talk to her w/o you losing your temper and/or patience. Can you do that? Communication is a two way street. Anger management didn't help you much, because you are ready to fly off the handle every time someone challenges you. You're a smart guy, you should see that we are only trying to help. But, then again, who said that you have to help yourself before anyone else can help you? Just remember, I'm always around to keep you on the straight and narrow, i.e., just like a little angel on a cloud. Please get those meds checked out and whatever you do, don't take herbs for depression while on prescribed meds. Have a nice evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well Snods, it's the temptation ow presents. Your right on the attention aspect. BTW, I ran out of St. Johns Wort, so I just wont replace it. Kava does in fact help me sleep and relax. That stuff really works. It takes about an hour or two to kick in but I get your point on mixing things. It's kind of like putting kerosene with your gas in your car. Some things are good by themselves but not intended to be used together. Right? See I have my marbles about me today.:)
Back to ow, in August I melted down terribly during a little nature hike I took and she insisted on going. We got quite close in the summer heat. When I was accidentally touching her hand on one occassion, she didn't pull it away and the touch rippled through me and gave me chills. Well, from that point on I was looking at her quite differantly. It was that night that, as we parted, she asked mye to come to her place for drinks and later i found my favorite food awaited me (maybe by cooincidence). That was a reality check right then and there and my common sense and morals told me STOP and think about this and if its right, when your head is clear, you'll come back to it. In the days shortly after I got quite ill without being able to eat or sleep or concentrate on anything but her; 'Love bug" or more like 'infatuation bug' Well, the ensuing friendship just was fantastic, utterly fantastic. However things got more and more attached. She began feeding me and lunching every single day and stopping by my office when I didn't stop by hers and we caried on, got our jobs done and had a blast. This was before MIL's stroke mind you. Then she got a job transfer to another building on a carreer move that fit with her recently acquired degree. We then lunched a few times a month but then began heavy emailing. I then strived to keep this contact going, and I guilty as hell of that because by then MIL's situation unfolded. Well, you think I had my hand in the cookie jar? Well, the cookie jar was handed to me but I sure didn't need to put my hand in it and I did, yes I did. Well, her and I exchanged xmas gifts and all was still nice and she got a new home with her H. Her H is not the handiest guy and I offered my help to them still having this looming affection for the lady. Her and her H were apart during the initial start of this relationship unbeknowst to me, which is what set all this in motion to begin with I think, but I am not saying I'm not wrong here. Well, as I sit here I was just asked what my lunch plans were by the secretary (on of the group) and ow was not mentioned. So I wonder who she is lunching with now, while I'm blowing her off, and what activities could I be doing with her and bla bla bla. Well, it's bad news and I certainly have enough troubles of my own wihtout making them worse. This snods is where my mind wants to cross back into the bad. My lunch plans are to take a walk and go to the local shop. A feeling of "oh crap" is coming over me as I sit here but, a weekend is coming and another two days of no contact can be obtained very easily for me. Take care all, I have work to do.
I understand you miss ow..the fun and exitment of the relationship..the mere simplicity and relaxation of it..it's like being told you can't play with "that" friend anymore when you were a kid...doesn't feel very good..but as you pointed out in this post..playing with that friend doesn't make you feel very good does it.
please don't ever take my words to you as an attack as they are never intended that way...I do understand how you feel...
imagine if you can how that guilt you feel about spending time with or thinking about this ow..stay with you and then effect the way you react or act to your w...the simplest request can come off as nagging...the smallest responsibilty can become a burdon...I'm not saying life should suck and be a mass of responsibility and all that...but imagine if you didn't have this guilt..would life be so bad. I can't imagine that your w could really be all that bad...I'd imagine she herself is under some pressure in dealing with her mother...after all life is not all about you.
I'm glad you've decided to stop seeing ow..please stop blaming her for the r you had with her..that would be like an alchoholic blaming the bar tender or the druggie blaming the drug dealer...you are resposible for you...glad that you left her home that evening...but honestly you knew what you were getting into accepting her invitation in the first place...I could go home with a man everynight if I chose to really wouldn't be hard all I'd have to do is go out...would I be able to blame the man if I accepted his advance?? don't think so I am responsible for me no one else is...accept responsibility for your actions..don't try to put the blame on this needy ow.
does w work? does w work nearby? is it possible for you to meet with her for lunch instead? going for a walk is a good idea but perhaps you could (if possible) use the time to get to know w on a different level...away from the house the repairs and the mil..a relaxed atmosphere...at first it may not be something you want to do..but after a while you might just find yourself enjoying eachothers company..
well, as I write this I am effectively blowing off the group for lunch. What is up with this lunch stuff? Well, I need to go up the street. They'll probably see me walk up there.
W knows of this lady and that we are good friends, but I dont think knows that I was flipping. W wants to go out to dinner but take MIL with us. MIL has no regard. W must not have much regard if she can't see we need alone time. Why is it just me looking at this?
Quote: W must not have much regard if she can't see we need alone time.
hmmm...have you mentioned to w that you'd like to spend some time out of the house alone with her??? w could be torn...wanting to spend the time with you but also not wanting to leave her mother unattended.. is there anyone else who could stay at home with mil so that you and w can get some alone time??
I'm sure you are not the only one looking at this..you are just looking from another direction than w...I doubt she's completely oblivious to the state of your r with her.
might I suggest you start a thread in piecing..(gee I sound like a recruit) it is a long road back to a healthy m..you may find comfort and wisdom from the others there who are trying to piece their marriages back together...some with active help from their spouse and some not.
ok, so I had to correct some spelling, sheesh. Well, I have dodged ow so far today. After this week I think thats it and she goes back to her normal building. Time will tell on who the agressor is. She's bound to pick another.
So yes, I need to be with W more on an alone basis, but unless she can control me, does she reward me with any affection. If I refuse or hesitate to do things SHE wants from HER list, as it were, I get a ration of sh*t. Well, like Snods has said, to make a list of her things and a list of my things. I do MY list usually alone, and her list usually alone but sometimes with her help. To her, my list is insignificant. The 'steps' project was quite significant in changing our lives even though she did nothing to help except hold one board once. If will do this list thing for another reason and that is fro a matter of record when she says I don't do anything around the house, well, I'll have my proof. Bad idea?
Quote: If will do this list thing for another reason and that is fro a matter of record when she says I don't do anything around the house, well, I'll have my proof. Bad idea?
yes, bad idea.
typically when a woman complains that you do nothing around the house...pointing out that you built stairs or cut the lawn or took out the trash is not going to get you anywhere...sometimes you may be overlooking the littlest things...maybe put the dishes in the dishwasher once in a while...make the bed...empty a waistbasket...clean a toilet...etc...just a random thing...but don't point out that you did it...you'd be amazed what a difference these little things can make... I know that I am in a much better mood if h attempts to make the bed after getting out of it as apposed to leaving it unmaid...despite the fact that he plows the driveway...mows the lawn and takes care of the trash...it's all the little things that add up ya know!!
these little tasks that can serve as a source of tention are typically not the problem in a r..they simply add to the problem...
if you could write a list of other things you need and want from w such as time spent alone...etc...what would it look like??
if w could write one too...what do you "think" hers would look like?
yes you do have a household to run and must cooperate at getting tasks done but that is not the extent of a h and w's r.
appreciate that Lost. I shall look at more smaller things but things like 'building a room on the house' or releveling the grading of the property' are things she wants done and just wont get done at my income level. So I tell her if she wants better than that we have to move to a differant house, but thats a long story.
well, I tried to go all day with no ow contact but as I went across the hall to another room I ran into her at the door. I just told her to "have a weekend", and she simply replied "you do the same", then a "by-ee-ee-ee-". SO I am so frigged up now. That should be the last I see of her though. I think the 'no lunch' busniess needs to continue. I dont know why they insist on having me half the time anyway. I'm the only male they invite. I should feel honored and I do to an extent but, I need a break. The secretary sort of suggested I go to a concert with them in April. HECK NO! WhAT AM I NUTS? To squelch that idea I said sure if your paying. Well, that ended that. Well, I sure didnt want o run into ow today at all. I avoided her like the plague. It shouldn't be a problem for her right? She has enough email and crap from me to have me fired but , she wouldnt do that. I just dont want her t'eed off, and her little goodbye was a tad scary. If I think I'm hurting her, I'm dreaming right? Dont compliment myself right?
