johnnyu... i'm having a really hard time today. i know that leaving my electronic other man had to be done. i couldn't focus on my M with the emotional crutch EOM has so willingly provided.
still, it is SO hard. i find myself sending cryptic messages on message boards, just hoping he'll pick them up so that he knows I haven't stopped feeling for him. i find myself checking the weather in his hometown.
everytime I hug my H, i think of the EOM...
I'm aching for him.
If there's anyone out there with some sympathy, or perhaps a gentle smack in the face... I could use it.... I'm a hurting pup...
Quoting charcoal: johnnyu... i'm having a really hard time today. i know that leaving my electronic other man had to be done. i couldn't focus on my M with the emotional crutch EOM has so willingly provided.
still, it is SO hard. i find myself sending cryptic messages on message boards, just hoping he'll pick them up so that he knows I haven't stopped feeling for him. i find myself checking the weather in his hometown.
everytime I hug my H, i think of the EOM...
I'm aching for him.
If there's anyone out there with some sympathy, or perhaps a gentle smack in the face... I could use it.... I'm a hurting pup...
.......
thanks
Charcoal -- This was unbelievably hard for me to read...'cause I focused on my own sitch...
I realize now, though, how much you are hurting too -- I hope that you can find some comfort here.
I think that the DB principles must apply regardless of the situation -- right? In other words, have you put goals in place? And, what are you doing differently when you DON'T feel this pain and longing for the OM? What is your H doing differently? How can you focus on what works??? I suspect that sometimes you'll just have to act "as if", too. I can see/hear that you are already doing that.
--Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting sage: I think that the DB principles must apply regardless of the situation -- right? In other words, have you put goals in place? And, what are you doing differently when you DON'T feel this pain and longing for the OM? What is your H doing differently? How can you focus on what works??? I suspect that sometimes you'll just have to act "as if", too. I can see/hear that you are already doing that.
--Sage
thanks sage ~ I am really trying to use DB principals, although they are seriously lacking for people in my sitch. I have not set goals yet, I was just eyeballing that post this morning and need to follow up. Keeping busy and positive helps me NOT think of the OM. But just like negativity, positivity cycles too. My H said "It's okay" in response to my EOM. That's definitely different and yeah - that's working... I just hope TIME heals me.
uh, I dont think your 'unfeeling'. I come here to hear what you have to say and its a free country still in some regards. I'm getting beat up in the mlc section with folks saying I'm some sort of fake but hey, calling me that doesn't help matters any when I'm down.
One the plus side here is I have been home for now my fourth day due to weather issues so no ow issues either! She is only in my building ofr the rest of this week as far as I know and then it will once again be tough for us to make contact. I become as smart as you-all once again when I get my wits about me back so let me keep working on that. The lady without a doubt HAD a knack for me, where she came to my office wanting to do lunch like every single day for months. It made me feellquite good and especially the looks on others faces ove the entertaining friendship her and I shared. Well, those memories I can keep and charish. I have known 'good' people in my lifetime and she is among them, but I dont go hunting those folks down and SHE shouldn't be any differant. SO I am attempting to file her away as best I can. Currently I think I scared the hell out of her wiht my little 'friend' card for valentines day and I have no idea if her little stooomach ailment is my doing. I know that feeling. Maybe it was caused by one of the other guys she had the hots for. So, my thought for the morning.
On electronic other men, I htink I was one of those for a lady not too long ago but I urged her to find someone near her who could be physical and actually giver her a quality friendship that I couldnt give. SO she did. She's single. She can do that. I'm right now turing to my spouse with yet another set of new eyes and no doubt the woman has issues. I just have to keep my cool, mainly keeper"> cool, and try to live with this woman.
Hi Johnny How do you like your new home? Why did you leave the MLC forum? To Johnny's new friends, I suggest you read his MLC thread. Take Care I will check on you later Pam
Rayanne,
Please don't feel you need to apologize for being blunt. You've told this man exactly what everyone on the MLC Forum has tried to get across to him. He has been advised repeatedly to stop all contact w/the ow and to seek professional help and to focus on his own issues. I don't know what he's hoping to seek here, but sympathy is not one of the feelings that I have for him right now.
Johnny,
As I stated on the MLC thread, you are the one that is initiating contact w/the ow, not the other way around. From what you've printed here on this thread and on your most recent posting on the MLC thread, you are the culprit for keeping the contact going. You have been advised repeatedly to leave the ow alone and focus on yourself and seek professional help. The ow has no real interest in you except to be a "casual" friend. Here you are posting on the other thread, giving people the impression that you are so proud of yourself for not emailing the ow for four days. Again, you've pointed the finger right back to yourself as the initiator/pursuer. Leave the ow alone. She's married as well as yourself. If you want to go out and play the singles game, divorce your w first. Even if you move out and are legally separated, you are still committing adultery in the eyes of the legal system in the state of Maryland. My friend, you are playing games and you are going to lose big time if you continue to play them. For some unknown reason, I believe I know who you are because your story sounds so familiar w/a little bit of fantasy tied in. I will only say this once--seek professional help, work on yourself and your marriage and leave the ow alone. She doesn't see you as a potential suitor. I always knew there was more to your story than you were willing to share over on the MLC Forum and you have proved my instincts were correct. Now, Johnny, I suggest you set yourself down and really think hard about what you want to do w/your life. If you don't want to be married any longer, then do something about it, but quit diddling around on your w!
Fellow posters, before you really get taken in by Johnny, please read both the current thread and older thread that he has written over on the MLC Forum. You will then begin to understand just how confused this man really is. I believe he is living in a world of fantasy w/a tinge of the real world peeking through, typical mlc behavior. He is looking for people to validate his feelings as to why he needs to seek women outside of the marriage and he wants our approval for this. Also, please remember that there are two sides to every story and while he may be in mlc, his perceptions of his life, marriage and home life may not be as bad as he is making them out to be.
Have a nice day.
Last edited by snodderly; 02/18/0306:00 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've not read your mlc threads and to be honest with you listening to what you say here you don't really sound like you are in mlc anyway...but that is just my opinion...you sound more like a man who's marriage just isn't going the way he wants it to go...etc...
re the issue of ow...I know you miss her...want to talk to her etc...but if you sit and think about it honestly would ow really end up being all that different from w..the thing you have to keep in mind when dealing with an a ea pa or otherwise when you are not commited to them or they to you there is a freedom in that r..you are free to be you without being judged, you don't have to be defensive angry, hurt etc...because there are no expectations of that r...it is a fantasy that we all are capable of getting caught up in.
if you have made the descision to stay with w and work on you m...you have to actually work on your m not just keep your cool and try to live with her doing that in the end will not work.
you must reflect on you and the r...it's more than just the what you want and what she wants it the how does this all work...
since you are the one who has read (I hope) dr then you are the one who should understand the butterfly effect..
think about why w nags etc...I don't think women nag just because they are bitches it's typically a result of something else (and I don't mean pms)
anyway I have a whole lot running through my head right now and most of it is only based on what is in this thread (which isn't a whole hell of a lot) and my own sit.
of course ow isn't going to vanish from your thoughts probably never will..but when you focus on making your r with w better you will find the ow taking up less and less space in your mind heart or wherever she is..
so then instead of just keeping your cool and living with w..what goals do you have to make your r with w such that you WANT to live with her???
LL
one other thought does w know of this ea ow??? take a look at my thread over in piecing if you'd like to have an idea of how simply you may avoid the nagging!
i couldn't possibly think for one moment that I was working on making my marriage become a good and viable thing if i was still talking to and/or pining over the other man.
quitting him has been hard
but ~ it HAS to be done
(and, I mean, quit... not put on the back burner... quit...)
Charcoal, You are a very intelligent lady. Yes, the contact has to stop in order to work on the marriage. Can't have "three" in the bed, so to speak. How are you doing with withdrawing from the internet? It's hard, but you have to keep plugging away at it. I think you're determined enough to beat the addiction. Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
well then I guess I'm just a total fake and this is all just an illusion. My getting up everyday going to work to a cut throat job , coming home to a total hell of a woman and her crapping mother is all just in my head. While I am somehow regurgetating some sort of EA wiht this lady SHE in fact started it many months ago. The scolding I have just gotten (Thank you Snodderly I do appreciate it believe it or not) convinces me I am in fact keeping something going that should have been ended long ago.This lady has bought me lunches for months in the fall, IM'd me while I ate them, asked me to her place for drinks while separated from her H and nothing was intended? Well, her little trick worked and roped me in big time to where I have made a total ass out of myself. It had to happen for me to learn. Well, I am to get down and dirty here at home and perhaps get off some meds which mellow me out a little at get to the root of the REAL problem and that is the problems at HOME. Work is then next and we'll go from there.
I'll re-read things since things dont sink in too good with me the first time around obviously but I have been going in circles and cirlces, mlc or not, and frankly, someone show me a person in mlc so I know what one looks like would ya?
ALso, don't insult my intelligence for one second by saying I'm tryin to deceive anyone and no I'm looking to validate any EA's. Do you see me runnign all over town grabbing girls? uh, no. I do have one that likes to keep me close. Let's see how I can end this on my end. I'm a smart individual . If I wanted to deceive, I would have. So ya'll take care, enjoy your HELP board here and please watch whom you call a liar.
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