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"They rationalize that by keeping it a secret they are protecting us (the LBS) but in reality they are protecting their own backsides against the backlash of their children, family and friends."

Exactly. Liars THINK they are doing it to protect YOU, when in reality they are doing it to protect THEMSELVES from the fallout of their actions.

My ex left when our youngest was 17. In retrospect, I think perhaps he had been thinking about it for 2 or 3 years, I was just oblivious. I'm sure he thought he was doing the "right thing" by "toughing it out" until the kids were almost out of the house.

I'm sorry you have to be reminded of OW. Is it a large campus where you would never have to see her? If so, try to think of it as just being in the same city as her. Focus on your fellow students. Make new friends. And if that doesn't work, think about transferring somewhere else next semester if you can??

(P.S. congrats on going back to school! My mom went to college when I was in grade school - back in the 60's at a time when it was very unusual for a 30-something mother of four to be going to college!)

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Hi KML,

I'm so sorry you had to go through what I am going through. I would not wish this on my worst enemy (except maybe OW) he he.

Yes the campus is HUGE, and honestly I have never met OW in person, but she was a former client of ours. I've seen pix of her on internet. From what I know, she is twice divorced, highly educated, super fit (marathon runner/personal trainer), author, photographer, the list goes on and on. Maybe that is sexy to H. Independence and life accomplishments. She is not even pretty. UGH.

But...what about a woman who put her own education on hold to work full time while supporting a husband who started his own business all while raising two children!! Not chopped liver. smile

Just ranting.

Every time H leaves to go somewhere on the weekends now, I think "He's going to be with OW". Probably in reality it is not every time he leaves the house but in my mind that's what is happening.

Anyway....today going to focus on being a good mom and great team member at work. Going shopping this afternoon for a smoking hot dress and then for a beach walk at sunset (by myself). It is healing!

Thank you all for listening. Have an awesome day!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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Hi,
Is there any point in trying to rationalize H's behavior? Knowing that he has flat out LIED to me? Hard to go on pretending. I long for the days when I could tell H anything and everything I was thinking.

Now I just worry if I bring up OW he will clam up or get angry (although he isn't the yelling screaming type, he just ignores me and won't speak).

What an existence this is. Honestly, I am fairly certain this is not the first time he has had an A. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I am pretty certain he was carrying on with a gal who used to cut his hair.....and then while we were building our home 10 years ago......I think he may have had an A with a friend of mine. I started getting hang up calls all of the time. I suspected her because I had invited her over for dinner once our house was completed (she was/is single) and all of a sudden I noticed that they had disappeared. I walked outside and saw them walking down the hill hand in hand. H said he wanted to show her the view of our house from top of hill. RIGHT! That woman and I were pretty darn close. I just stopped calling her and she stopped calling me. OBVIOUS!

And now this.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I still have hope that the man I married has a conscience and that his heart will find his way back to me and our life together.

I know I may be delusional. As of right now....we are the most EXCELLENT roommates. We never fight, we enjoy some of the same passtimes, we love to be with all of our couple friends. We vacation as families. All in all....pretty nice life.

Except for the lying and cheating with the skanky divorcee home wrecker. UGH!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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Oh....and another thing....

Seeing that this has probably happened before, why do you think it is that neither of the previous OW have ever tried to tell me? You know...get back at him? Confirm my suspicions?

He must be selling them some bill of goods. I feel like I am sleeping with a stranger sometimes.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 304
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Hi - just popped on for a second and wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Worries me that you think you have a serial cheater on your hands. I feel sometimes like I really get what we're supposed to be doing, but often I also feel new at this and lost.

I don't think you need to excuse or rationalize his behavior - more look at yourself and who you are and how you interact with him. Going to school is awesome - that's being the best you that you can be. Maybe where rationalizing comes in is saying, forget that OW making me feel uncomfortable on campus - he's my H, he's killing time with her because he isn't seeing how great I am...even though he thinks she's great/may be hooked on her, he's still coming home to me. Too bad she's buying whatever his story is, I know better and can change my situation.

I think some OW probably feel shame - I don't think most women mean to help a man cheat on his wife. And maybe he didn't take things to a PA with those women.

Who knows...now, what are you going to do this weekend? Movie, hike, manicure, study group with hot 22 year olds, concert?


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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kml Offline
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"study group with hot 22 year olds"

Lol!!! I like that one!

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Hi AJM80,

I know....I am fumbling around too. A good day here and there (today is great by the way).

This weekend I planted a new succulent garden. It is really beautiful and tropical looking. I love pretty things so it makes me happy. H left for "work" so I'm going to go layout by the pool...something I never do but no one is home so why not? Also H and I are headed to a play downtown this evening (it is actually a school assignment!). I'm going to wear my new smokin' hot dress (he he). He probably won't even notice though. Oh well!

Studying with hot 22 year olds should really make it's way into my schedule. Seriously!

A think a dirty martini out by the pool sounds great right about NOW!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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So today....
Was up literally ALL of last night. Tossing and turning. Tried cooling off and sat outside for awhile, walked aimlessly around the house in the dark. Once the sun started to come up, I took a 2 mile walk.

H asked if I got any sleep and I told him maybe 1/2 hr is all. He asked why did I think I couldn't sleep and I told him my stomach was upset (not a lie). Anyway, he did tell me he hopes I feel better.

I have a test tonight in class and haven't even studied. I know I need to turn this around and get with it but I have no interest in anything. ANYTHING. I need to get with it and pay bills....housework...all of it. It is all so overwhelming right now.

I know I need to put my "big girl panties on" and snap out of this, but i'm fading. I feel like a shell of who I thought I was. The happy perky nice gal who once adored her H and life.

I guess a mini goal today will be to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe eat something and maybe smile.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Mar 2007
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Abbey,
I visit the boards once in a while. I was on here for a while fighting for my marriage, but it was not meant to be. I was the needy wife who let him get away too much. I should have followed LRT. Who knows, things may have turned out differently.

Reading your situation makes me so sad. Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.

Now, I believe if I had been stronger and made him accountable things may have been different.

A book that I suggest that you get is James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". If you will look on Amazon.com, many people say that this book goes hand in in hand with "Divorce Remedy".

Please do not let him walk all over you. You are a wonderful person and deserve so much more. Believe in yourself and he will soon see the strong Abbey and believe in you also. The needy Abbey is not attractive to him right now.

Hugs, Yoyo




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


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And get some sleep! It may be that you are coming into menopause. One symptom is the inability to sleep. I struggled with it for a while until I started taking benedryl at night to help me relax. On difficult nights I take both benedryl and melatonin. I know all this stuff is depressing, but you can't handle any of it if you don't get your sleep.

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