If my husband yells at me and calls me a b*tch and threatens to leave in front of our children should i go dark? This happened at bedtime and after an slmost sleepless night for me he treated me very curtly and left for work. Situations like this happen frequently for me and after he has given me a few days or a week of the cold shoulder he comes back with no apologies, wants sex,gets it and then virtually treats me like the housekeeper. Any discussion i have with him raises his defences and he yells again. I am sick of the making up cycle where he acts innocent and i am hurt and resentful but make up to keep the peace. I really feel like going dark but i think he will use it as a weapon against me. I actually cant stand him atm
If my husband yells at me and calls me a b*tch and threatens to leave in front of our children should i go dark? This happened at bedtime and after an slmost sleepless night for me he treated me very curtly and left for work. Situations like this happen frequently for me and after he has given me a few days or a week of the cold shoulder he comes back with no apologies, wants sex,gets it and then virtually treats me like the housekeeper. Any discussion i have with him raises his defences and he yells again. I am sick of the making up cycle where he acts innocent and i am hurt and resentful but make up to keep the peace. I really feel like going dark but i think he will use it as a weapon against me. I actually cant stand him atm
What I'm going to say sounds harsh; but it comes directly from my experience.
The first thing you do is set a BOUNDARY on his clear disrespect; let him know in NO uncertain terms that you will NOT put up with him speaking to you in this way; and when he threatens to leave, tell him IF he wants to leave, he KNOWS where the door is; that keeps the decision on HIS shoulders for leaving ;let him know that each time he calls you names, you will leave the room; and do IT.......leave the room; and go totally dim on him; NO sex, nothing until he begins to respect you.
He threatens and namecalls because he CAN...stop being afraid of him, and what he will do and won't do; and furthermore, STOP the discussions...not everything deserves an answer....and if you don't set firm boundaries and carry out the consequences; this will continue.
He gets sex, because you allow him to have it; I was unable to have sex with my husband while he was disrespecting me.......he has NO respect for you; therefore speaking to you every which way; but in a right way; as a proper spouse. If you have a spare bedroom; move him into it; or even put him on the COUCH to sleep and IGNORE him as much as possible UNTIL he begins to show proper respect to you....
Doesn't matter if he "uses" it against you...you can't control that anyway; and your self respect is on the line...it's a further blow when you allow him to treat you this way in front of your children....the damage has already been done from his end; so what you do; is let him go in front of the children...also letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable....leave the room taking the children with you, if possible.....your boundary setting would also teach the children that sacrificing self respect is not acceptable...and that is you're doing when you allow him to run over you in front of the children.
If you can't do this in front of the children; then catch him later and calmly let him have it; letting him know how it's going to be; and carrying out exactly what you said you would do, in an ongoing way. If he yells at you; restate your boundary, AND remove yourself from his presence; and if the unacceptable behavior happens again; REMOVE YOURSELF from his presence again.
Stay CONSISTENT with this change of behavior; he may test you hard; but you need to stand firm with him....UNTIL he begins to straighten up..and he will either do that or leave, HIS CHOICE.
I don't advise throwing them out; if they leave, they need to leave on their own; I handled my own WITHOUT throwing him out of the house; always keeping the decision for leaving on HIS shoulders.
My husband NEVER called me names during the crisis; but he threatened me with leaving quite a bit UNTIL I put a stop to it..by letting him go to do whatever he THOUGHT he needed to do.
Most don't really want to leave; and they try to get the LBS to do what the MLC'er is TOO WEAK TO DO...and that is throw them out so they have yet another thing to blame the LBS with.
Don't play into his hands; but don't back down, either.
I've read many who tell some of the same things....people will treat us in the way we ALLOW them to; and though boundaries are for us; the majority of the time; unless they are pretty far gone in the tunnel...when you make a stand for your self respect; they do back off; because what they do in the way name calling and threatening; is controlling disrespect on their part; clearly immature; and boundaries are called for; and if they decide to leave, so WHAT; you're not losing a thing.
This happens frequently for you because this is a cycle of controlling behavior on his part that needs to be broken by a change in YOUR behavior...believe me, if you will stand firm and take the advice; something WILL change within him and you....the dynamics of this cycle of disrespect will be broken; one way or the other.
In other words, he keeps doing it, because it controls what you do; and fear also controls you...and you must lose the fear that he will leave when you begin to change your behavior toward him.
You fear that if you stand, he will leave; but this cannot continue..like I said, he does it because he can, and you allow him to continue.
One other thing; he's a BULLY; and bullies are weak people who prey on those they perceive are weaker than they are....come at him from a position of strength; not weakness.
Change must truly begin within ourselves; and we must needs change our behavior toward another person in order to begin the change of behavior within them.
As we change, they MUST change and come forward or leave..THEIR CHOICE; and the only way to break this cycle is to change first; making it clear this will no longer be tolerated.
Food for thought.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank you for your reply i will keep reading it over. I just want to point out that i had walked away from him and what i could see was happening and went into my bed ( we r in seperate rooms) He followed me burst open the door and flicked on the light and as he was telling me off i was saying "i am not your child" and turning off the light but he kept turning it on and was barring the doorway. I tried to push away his arm( i couldnt) and thats when he called me the name and treatened to leave. I am pretty sure he wouldnt cos he has my son dependant on him to fall asleep BUT because he holds all the money and I cant work in a paid job for health reasons he knows i am feeling helpless and am reliant on him. I have no one around to go to help me with the kids or if i am unwell and he knows it. Anything i said in response to him would anger him and he probably wouldnt take it seriously anyway.
HB's advice is good. I also went through some pretty nasty verbal abuse (as many of us did) and would advice you to think about trying to change some of the dynamics here as well--doing what you can to feel more independent and strong.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
4 I do better when I understand the reasons for things. Your H is acting on hurt. He is blaming you, when the hurt he is feeling is from him. OW seems like a life raft. He doesn't feel the guilt and hurt w her. Fast forward to the inevitable. Some day, when you are nicely detached, in your new "happy" place, he will notice and want what you have. Someday, when OW is firmly entrenched in his life, when he feels guilty about wanting YOU, she will get the blame and names, and she will not have provoked it either. She will handle it incorrectly, and that will distroy the R, over time. He will contrast how she is handling it, to how you are handling it, and she will come up short. What I am saying is, that your are not the cause, you are just who it is directed at. The guilt and shame, the hurt and anger are all covered up right now with confusion and selfishness. Someday, I want to see a LBS openly smile at him when he spews his anger and understand that when he attacks you, he is feeling guilt and shame and that is what he needs to do to. I am not sure it will work, but I think it is another way to let him know that he can't do that to you. After all, you are the prize!
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Holly06 i will try to remember to see the reason behind the behaviour, that is a good idea, but there is no other woman!? Dont know where u got that idea! He has made up with me and explained some of the things he feels and i told him i see his point but i am not going to let him yell or threaten and get away with it. I Forward, thankyou too, i so need to build myself up, that may be my key to inner happiness and losing the aura of weakness and neediness. I find this hard to do though and will need help.
Holly06 i will try to remember to see the reason behind the behaviour, that is a good idea, but there is no other woman!? Dont know where u got that idea! He has made up with me and explained some of the things he feels and i told him i see his point but i am not going to let him yell or threaten and get away with it. I Forward, thankyou too, i so need to build myself up, that may be my key to inner happiness and losing the aura of weakness and neediness. I find this hard to do though and will need help.
4Peace, Holly hit it right on the head. They will do anything not to feel the guilt, shame and pain. Easier walk away and start something new than trudge through a problem.
Try not to let all of this get to you, it will pass. Get stronger and take care of you and see what happens in your life.
