I thought that things would get better. They seem to be getting worse. Somehow this week has been worse than previous weeks.
I guess it's the fact that the divorce date is approaching soon and my W seems to have no interest whatsoever in even re-thinking about it.
The only thing she does is call me and say that my D has been asking about me. Honestly i hate it when she does that, because then i feel even more sh*tty about whats going on. I am not sure if just telling me this or if she's trying to gauge my reactions. I am not sure anymore.
I just feel like curling up and sleeping. Somehow i cannot seem to rise above my grief. Even when i try to GAL, i am feeling guilty that 'how dare i do these things for myself when my W and my daughter are struggling'. I know that they are safe and doing fine with my W's family. But I have this tremendous amount of guilt for doing anything for myself. I just gotta figure out how to get out of this.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I so feel for you, man. Now can you help me understand this a little better: is the guilt you're describing stemming from your separation from your daughter, or something more self-esteem related?
You need to hang in there with GALing. You're doing great, just try not too let that guilt creep in. You're doing it for yourself mainly. But in some way, for your daughter and wife as well. They will benefit from your improvements. Are you also combining your GALs with 180s/LRTs? Just out of curiosity.
I so feel for you, man. Now can you help me understand this a little better: is the guilt you're describing stemming from your separation from your daughter, or something more self-esteem related?
It is both. One of the reasons my W gave me is that she thought i was always depressed and could not make myself happy. She said she was getting tired of being my nurse. Yup, i do have this issue where i start feeling sorry for myself and spiral down into sadness when things dont go good between us. I found it a herculean task to pick up strength and steer or R back on track. But when i did a couple of times, I felt da*n good. Yea, so right now i just gotta try to develop my mojo. Problem is that right now i am unable to distinguish between sadness due to the loss of marriage and divorce, and sadness due to my own self esteem issues. hope that makes sense.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
perhaps the biggest key to being happy is being yourself. YOUR TRUE SELF. I suggest you get a book about finding your authentic self. I read one by Dr. Phil called Self Matters. It helps you work through the events in your life that made you into what you are and actually steered you away from what you are meant to be. I think a book like this could really help you come to terms with a lot of your issues and help get you on your true path to happiness.
I understand your sitch is moving fast towards the divorce and true be told, you standing in her way isn't going to change her feelings. Remember it is just a piece of paper and if you two are meant to be then it is irrelevant. Try to let the things go that are out of your control. I know it's hard but it is absolutely necessary to come to peace. I know many walk aways that moved through divorce really fast only to feel like they made a mistake a year or two later.
perhaps the biggest key to being happy is being yourself. YOUR TRUE SELF. I suggest you get a book about finding your authentic self. I read one by Dr. Phil called Self Matters. It helps you work through the events in your life that made you into what you are and actually steered you away from what you are meant to be. I think a book like this could really help you come to terms with a lot of your issues and help get you on your true path to happiness.
I understand your sitch is moving fast towards the divorce and true be told, you standing in her way isn't going to change her feelings. Remember it is just a piece of paper and if you two are meant to be then it is irrelevant. Try to let the things go that are out of your control. I know it's hard but it is absolutely necessary to come to peace. I know many walk aways that moved through divorce really fast only to feel like they made a mistake a year or two later.
Thanks tjack. Yup, I am learning to accept the fact that we will get divorced. I am already looking at myself beyond it to see how i can get my wife back after the divorce. I'll also get Dr. Phil's book . Thanks for the encouragement!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Today i am feeling totally down...Just slept for 2 hours last night and have a full day of work today
I really hate this up and down swings of my emotions. I think the impending date of the divorce being finalized and the fact that we have to sell our house off(we put in a lot of effort on that house) is beginning to hit me big time.
I'd love to get your feedback on this one. I am practicing going dark since Jan-2011. The only times we have conversations when my W calls up to discuss the divorce details. She's called twice to tell me that my daughter wanted to talk to me.
I dont call her to talk to my daughter because i know i am emotionally not yet there. But oddly even she does not call at all. Yup, she is staying with her family (that includes a whole bunch of aunts, uncles and other relatives). So i am wondering if the reason is because she does not feel as lonely as i do. I am trying to work on my issues, but sometimes i look forward to her calling. When she does'nt, i wonder if she has just moved on and does not even care.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Goind dark is not a ploy to get her to contact you, it is a time to work on YOU.
I've followed your sitch even though I don't always post but at least one of your 180's seems very clear to me.
A 180 is not a trick to get her attention a 180 is recognizing you need to make a change in your life and executing it.
Make sense?
A 180 for you is to stop moping and show some confidence and joy in YOUR life regardless of what W is doing.
When you show joy and are truly content then you will become the change you hope to see.
Your W has given you a pretty specific blue print of what she does not like about you.
Are you listening?
Sounds to me like you hear what she is saying one day and then forget about it the next day. Tonight eat a good meal take some nyquil if need be but go to bed early.
Make a schedule for the rest of the week and through the weekend of things you want to do
Example: Thursday night: Go to a nice restaurant and eat dinner go to bed early
Friday: Go home after work shower and go to the movies
Saturday: Explore a part of my city/town that I have never seen before go the mall or sit at Barnes and Noble and read a book
Throughout all these activities your phone should be turned off!! This is your time not your W's time.
2Step: You are right on the mark: Yup, i am definitely bad in doing my 180's. Yea for one day(or evening) i am quite pumped up and ready to just take things on and am very positive. The next day i am completely down. I have always been the type to imagine a lot of bad scenarios in my head and worry about them. Yea, one of my goal has been to do some meditation(i need to quiet my mind down). I just feel so guilty in GAL'ing. I feel that i've messed up my marriage and now i am trying to enjoy myself. I know, very crazy thinking..I just need to stop that. Thanks so much for your feedback!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Not crazy thinking at all. Pefectly normal. When I first started to GAL I felt very guilty. I justn't didn't enjoy myself without my W or knowing I would come home to an empty bed.
We all deal with guilt but no one can help you with that guilt except you.
She deals with her guilt.
No one can help her with her guilt except her.
The more you GAL the easier it becomes.
The emotional ups and lows are normal and I can't say when they will go away, but they will.
For the mean time start focusing your attention on things you can control.
"I just feel so guilty in GAL'ing. I feel that i've messed up my marriage and now i am trying to enjoy myself. I know, very crazy thinking..I just need to stop that."
yep, stop that thinking... regardless of the mistakes you have made, you do deserve to be happy! You need to realize that the mistakes you made in your marriage were made with what you knew at the time. Surely you didn't make your decisions so that you could get divorced. People in general are selfish, we make selfish choices and don't think of the consequences or the affects that they have on others. Take this time to learn what a good husband is/does. Learn what attraction means to a woman. Gal... what does a happy life mean to you. I know everyone thinks that you NEED your wife/ family to be happy, but it just isn't the case. Understand everything you can from these events, give everything else to god and continue to move forward with your life instead of focusing on the past.
