please help on what i need to do.

[Redo]

I think I posted on the wrong thread. Are you still using the other one?

Yea, I am still posting on the other one. Mostly for journaling.

[tjack45]

"Yup, i am already planning on seeing a C for my issues. I just did not like my W pegging me seeing the C against us getting a joint custody."

This is a great example of why pressure, control and pursuit doesn't work with influencing people. People want to be free to make their own choices. They want it to be their DECISION. Let your walk aways be free - give them space - be the best person you can be - drop the control - drop the anger - let them go.... If your spouse comes back, it will have to be a decision they made for themselves. If they don't come back for the right reasons, they will never stay.

[Redo]

If your spouse comes back, it will have to be a decision they made for themselves. If they don't come back for the right reasons, they will never stay.

Truth spoken. Thanks tjack. Just found a book that seems to be describe most of my behaviors in my M. 'nice guy syndrome'
I really have to get over my insecurities and other personal issues before i even consider being in a relationship (even with my W).

[hope2011]

From a woman's perspective... man up and grow a pair. I don't mean to be rude or too blunt but a woman has to respect a man to love him.

Get your own A. For you, for DB. Do it now. It's not being mean, it's not duking it out in court.... it's protection for you and your daughter and it's being an adult. You want the last memory she has of your marriage to be you rolling over and giving her anything and everything she wants to please her with no self-respect, confidence or testosterone? Stand up for yourself, for your family but mostly for your daughter because how you treat your wife is how she will expect men to treat her. You want her to fall for a strong man, right? Be the man you want your daughter to look for someday in men. Be the man your wife has waited 11 years for you to turn into.

You've got a clear cut map of what to do... your W has told you what she doesn't like and what she wants changed. You have the opportunity to show real changes here. What do you have to lose?

[Redo]

So we have been trying to sync with each other on figuring out how to divy up our assets and other details toward the D.

Oddly every time i get a call or email from my wife i have this anxiety feeling that shoots to 100. It is like i am about to pass out. I really have to get the courage to communicate with her. I am not sure why i am going through this. It is horrible.

I know we have scheduled a talk tomorrow on refining the asset allocation. It is stressing me out so much i cannot function normally today. Sometimes i wonder if it is the same with her too. Sometimes i just feel like telling her to take what she wants and just leave the rest to me just so i dont have to deal with this horrible anxiety. But then i tell myself that i have to face it. It is the only way i can get better. Gotta face my fears.

[Redo]

BITS, i need some help:

I know that I am in the process of trying to get myself together. But being an analytical person, i am always trying to figure out how my wife left me. It fits the usual WAW that DR book talks about.

But what i cannot understand is that my W and I talked about our daughter's new school just 2 days before i left to visit my parents and she left to her parents place and filed the divorce. One of our friends who talked to her told me that apparently she had been planning this for 3 months.

I guess what i cannot understand is how and why did she act like everything was okay? Knowing my nature i do appreciate the fact that she let this down on me when i was with my family. She told me that i would get more support from my family. somehow i feel like i am slipping down a little today. I guess it is because W and i have a talk today regarding the divorce.

[Redo]

Today was downer day in general. That and the fact that tomorrow is V day is making it so much more worse.

So i get a call in the afternoon. Its my daughter wanting to talk to me. I love talking to her and hear her cute voice. But it was heartbreaking talking to her. I could not control my tears and could not talk to her for long as i knew i'd start crying soon. So i concluded the conversation and just when my W took the phone to talk, i cut the line. I could not take it anymore. I also did not want my wife to hear me crying. Now i am regretting hanging up the phone. Not sure if i would have upset her. Any feedback?

Thanks!

[tjack45]

karma,
if you are crying and unable to control yourself it was better to cut the line than go babbling to her. Again, all this "weak" behavior will do nothing but get you divorced. she wants to be married to a MAN, so the sooner you can work your way through your emotions, become strong again, and realize this isn't the end of the world, the sooner you will have a chance to get her back.

[Redo]

Thanks tjack.
I guess one of the reasons for my heightened emotions is because our divorce proceeding rather briskly. This weekend W wanted to discuss details of the asset distribution and conservatory of our daughter. I feel like i cannot apply any brakes to this divorce-train...I know my mind keeps telling me that i need to pick myself up. But sometimes i let myself be caught up in the emotions. Problem is that is not something recent.I have always been an emotional person. Now i am having to modify this behavior and it is taking time.

Today i am struggling with the decision of whether to send an email or text my W a happy valentines day. I did send a card and candies to my daughter and in the card, i mentioned my W's name too. But i am not sure if it will sound needy if i email or text her a V-day greeting.

[Redo]

I just had this recollection.
So i was leaving the US to see my parents on the 24th December. My W came to drop me off. She was already sounding aloof and upset. My inner alarms went off on me, but i convinced myself that i might be overreacting.

So here i was at Dulles airport waiting to catching my flight (about 24 hours flight time in all). On TV was Dr. Sanjay Gupta's program interviewing 'Micheal J Fox'. During the conversation, one of Mr. Fox's comments caught my attention. Here it is in verbatim

"There is no better moment than now. I always tell my wife: If you dwell on your worst case scenario and it does not happen, you have wasted your time. If it does happen, you have lived it twice"

Somehow this comment struck a chord in me. I decided not to stroke my hornet nest of fears and traveled peacefully for the 24hrs. Yup, my W eventually did file the divorce papers. But at-least i did not relive that fear during that claustrophobic flight over the Atlantic !!

Thanks Mr. Fox