Not Sure Which Way to Go

[downandoutintn]

My story is very similar to a lot of the ones I have read so far on here. I am not one to really put my life out on the internet for all to know about. You guys seem like a very supportive group and so I have made my decision to ask for advice.

I am a 29 and my W is 26. We will have been together off and on for 10 years on 2.6.11 and will have been married 2 years on the same day. We have always loved each other very much throughout the years. The way I feel about her is like no other. I believe she feels the same way about me but has now become scared that we will live in the misery we have since we have been married. I have always tried to figure out why we could never seem to get along but have always failed to make her feel how she needs to feel and she has always left me empty inside but I know she loves me by her actions towards me. She has said the same about me.

We split up 3 years ago before we were married and she started seeing one my good friends (he was a child hood crush for her). We owned a house together which we still do now, and I would a lot of times watch our only child at the time at the house. It was a lot easier to watch him there since I was living with a room mate who had weird sleeping habits. While I would watch my son at our house I would take care of most of the household chores. My lack of doing things around the house was always a complaint for her. So I did what I thought was right and started to do a big majority to show her that I was willing and could change. So after about a month of this she and I were able to work things out.

Things went pretty well for the first 2 months. Then I noticed that she was starting to not be as affectionate as she was when we got back together and so started the downward spiral. Although a great thing, the timing of the pregnancy was not the best. I believe that we could have continued on and been very happy but with her change in emotions and lack of sex drive and affection, I began to shut down. Of course so did she.

Spring forward to now. We got into a fight in December, because of the same things as normal, me cleaning house. (Me not spending time with her like she needed) The fight ended being a normal fight where I follow her around and try to get her to open up to me about the problem and after about an hour and a half I finally lost it from frustration and began yelling.

The next day she dropped the news on me that she wanted to divorce. Throughout the rest of the month it was a lot of back and forth of her on her decision to divorce. Also, she still lived in the house. She told me that she had started to talking to that guy again. Then there was another argument right after the first of the year about how I never spend time with the kids and I brought it up that she is actually with the kids less than I am and she took that as me calling her a bad mother instead of seeing that I spend a lot of time with the kids I feel like I don't get credit for.

The next day she moved to her Mom's house while I was at work. The next week I found out she was going to hang out with that guy again. The only explanation I have gotten from her about him is that he has common interests with him and he is someone to talk to. She only hung out with him for a couple of hours and then she came home. She from what I have been able to figure out she hasn't talked to him too much since. She says he is a *sshole.

That same weekend she came and got the kids and actually came in the house for the first time when I was there. I had cleaned up the house pretty well. I had washed up all of the kids clothes that were still there and asked her if she could help me get the kids and the stuff out to the car once she got there. She came into the house and looked around and saw that it was pretty much spotless and said "The house sure is clean". I replied "Yeah it is a lot easier to clean when you don't always have someone nagging you". Then she commented about my goatee and asked me "If I had trimmed it up". I had been invited to a friend's house to watch the football game so I kind of rushed her out.

That night when I got home I looked over my Facebook at the birthday comments that were left for me the previous week and noticed hers was gone. I sent her a text message to see if she had deleted me because we had discussed it previously. She said "No, I deleted the whole thing." I asked her why "She said because I need to get myself right with God" so again I asked her again because I thought that was an odd response and she said "I need time alone because I failed my marriage". I responded with "You only fail at something when you give up" and then tried to call her and her phone was off.

The next morning I called her to make sure she was alright and she said she had a bad day and that she hadn't taken her anxiety medicine in 2 days.

So now we have had a few good conversations not about our R but she is still persistent on getting a D. We had a talk last Saturday and I told her that I would be ok if she saw other people since I believe she will have to see that there is no one else out there that will hang around like I have for her. That same day she started talking to a new guy whom I don't know. I only found this out by checking her voice mails and missed calls. I was able to get from her that they are "just friends" and that she has no plans of dating anyone else until after our D is final. I asked a few questions about him to try to figure out how serious this OM to her. She said she does have interest in possibly pursuing a R with him but only after our D is final.

This week I have kept our 2 kids and taken care of the day to day routines. I haven't been able to see them much the last couple of weeks due to the snow. At first she kinda backed up and didn't want to go for it because she didn't want to be with out the kids. I told her that this is what I go through every week and that I can go through it then she can and that I would love for my kids to live with me. Also, I told her that she should see things from my vantage point too. So she agreed. Things have been a lot easier for me to deal with this week. I have been making sure everything has been tended to for the kids and let her know when I do have to talk to her that the kids have been taken care of.

Tuesday, I thanked her, via text message, for letting me have the kids this week because it had really brightened up my week. She sent back "You're so weird". I sent back "I'm not weird just crazy". She sent back "WTH". I sent back "crazy in love for you." She sent back "OMG!" and then I sent back "and you know its true". Then she sent back "OK good night freak" (the last one is joking if I know her) Then I sent "Good night hope you sleep well and have good dreams about me". She then sent "OMG stop freak" and I sent "Whatever you know you smiled and you know you needed to" and she sent back "Eww LOL" I felt like that was a pretty good conversation since most of it was joking back and forth.

Wednesday, I asked if she had read any of that book (The Five Love Languages) I had asked to read, again via text. She replied "Nah" I went on to tell her I thought she should since it would be good for her and could help with the kids during this situation. Later on I sent her a message that I missed talking to her. She asked what was wrong with me. I said "nothing at all why you ask" She replied with You're smothering me. We are done. Move on!"

Since yesterday I have been keeping conversations short and to the point. We talk almost every day because of the kids and being that I normally get them everyday until she gets off work. Also, I found this site and decided that what I have been doing is not working and you guys seem to know what you are talking about since you have been able to get S's like mine to come around and try to work it out. I am prepared for a long hard struggle. I don't want a D but if that is the time that I have to put in to get my family back then so be it.

I know I have posted a lot and thanks ahead of time for taking the time to read it. I really do what my W back and would do anything to have my W in my life. If guys could help with some more information about DBing and what I should do to help her realize I am what is right for her that would be great! I am going to see if I can find the DB or DR book at a local store so I can start reading ASAP. The papers have been signed so by TN state law I have about 90 days until this is final.

Thanks
downandout

[dbmod]

^

[downandoutintn]

So today is our anniversary. I have bought her some gifts to acknowledge the day. I'm not sure really what I should do. I got caught in a similar situation at Christmas. She said we weren't buying gifts at Christmas because we needed to save money for the D and then she ended up buying me gifts. Then later on she told me that if I had bought her something she would have stayed.

I sent her a text message last night.

M: I don't know how I am supposed to act today so I'm following my heart. Happy Anniversary.

W: Well I don't know either LOL .. Thanks though

I have been keeping everything real quiet from side. I have only been talking to her about the kids. There was one more text message conversation I wanted to mention. On Friday she had the kids for a little while until I got off work. So I sent her a text to figure out where they were going to be.

M: Where am I picking up the kids tonight

W: What are y'all doing

W: Tonight

M: playing video games

W: probably Mommas

Hopefully you guys can give me some feed back. Today is going to be a rough day.

[downandoutintn]

So I have decided to give the gifts. I'm not going to hang around. I really just want to acknowledge this day.

On another note, I am going to pick up DR also and have a me day.

I'll check back in with you guys later this afternoon.

[Awoken]

Wow downandout,

I read your postings. First, congrats on jumping in here. I had to muster my courage for my first posting, and then the wait for SOMEONE to respond seemed like it took forever. I have been away from the forums for a while, but I can tell you that there is usually more activity during the week. On weekends, everyone is (and should be) out pursing life: what we call "get a life", or GAL activities.

I know today is your anniversary. I hope you are doing ok, I hope you are busy taking care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends if you can. This step was particularly hard for me, since I had neglected friendships in favor of our family. This was a big lesson for me. Learning to reach out to others actually started with me posting here in the forums, and helped me work on my social skills and to nurture the friendships I had neglected.

Do you have the Divorce Remedy book? Have you been reading it? There are very important steps in there that you need to follow. You will need to re-read each chapter several times before moving on to understand. It's a revised book! Divorce Busting was the first one. You'll be better results from the forum if you get serious about understanding the book. I'm asking, because from your few posts, you don't seem to be going in the right directions. You are doing stuff that will just continue to chase her away. Listen to what she said "you are smothering me". she is telling you the truth (this is rare)! You need to stop texting and communicating with her except about the kids.

I have two teenagers, so I think I understand. I craved any interaction with my wife. The more she pulled away, the more I craved it. I now know that I often texted/emailed/called when it was needed, under the pretense of talking about our kids. Trust me, she knows. This kind of manipulation just drives them farther away.

About the gifts, she has already asked you to "move on". I like what you said about following your heart. But try to see it from her point of view. She doesn't want to celebrate your anniversary. Even if she exchanges text with you that are not openly hostile, she may just be being nice to avoid drama. If you haven't given her the gifts yet, I suggest you keep them just in case you reconcile. You know you are honoring her by acknowledging the day, but don't try to force her to do the same.

Tell me about what things you are doing to improve yourself, to find what is truly meaningful in life for you...BESIDES your marriage.

Hang in there!

[downandoutintn]

The for the feedback. It is really appreciated.

I decided to go ahead with the gifts. I didn't go way overboard. I bought some flowers and a card. The card was a sappy Love you Anniversary card. It more of a I understand our situation and our friendship means a lot. I made sure that it was something that wasn't I love you I miss you.

When I gave them to her I could tell that she had been crying a lot and she had been crying since church because her eyes were way too swollen for the amount of time that had passed since church was over. I asked her if she had been crying and she replied that she went to the front of the church for prayer today. I guess today was really a hard day for her to deal with. I gave her the flowers and a brief that I would give even a guy friend in a time of emotional need. She didn't pull away at all and actually hugged back. Which even when we were together she had gotten to where she wouldn't reciprocate the hug. As far as the card goes I told her she could read it if she wanted to and it was completely up to her. I told her to have a good day and I hope the flowers would brighten her day and then left. This was maybe a matter of 5 minutes. I have only been reading this website since she sent that text message about the smothering which I think was Wednesday or Thursday. Since then I have been keeping all contact to the point of the kids. I figured me not giving the gifts would remind her of previous mistakes and if they pushed her away it couldn't deter any progress I have made in a couple of days.

When I left I went and had lunch with my "second mom" and talked with her about the different things that have been going on. While I was with her I received a text message from W.

I waited for 20-30 mins before responding to each question.

W: Are you talking to someone?
W: Honestly tell me the truth... its fine are you talking to someone?

Me: I don't talk to anyone that would hide from you. Everyone that I talk to is for support for making myself a better person to prepare me for whatever happens.

W: Any girls? Just wondering?

Me: Only people that we together would look to for support. I am not in any for dating or talking to anyone. I have to get myself fixed.

We have talked a few times through out the night but nothing other than the kids and general stuff like the Super Bowl and who was winning. She did take the phone from the kids to tell me how beautiful the flowers were. So I take that the flowers were the right thing to do? The talks have definitely gotten better since I have stopped badgering her.

I have been doing quite a few things to better myself but avoiding the obvious train wrecks such as bars and clubs. I have seen a counselor and talked about this stuff with her but she wasn't a big help other than getting in my mind I need to find something to keep me busy.

I have read the 5 Love Languages. Which has helped me see from her point of view and not just my blinded point of view. So I now know the points my marriage started to go down hill and what I can do to prevent that in the future and has also helped me to read my kids feelings.

Mainly I have been catching up with friends and helping build my social confidence again.

I have been making lists of things I need to fix. Today I purchased some new clothes because I have not been purchasing anything like that because I have put my family first.

Tuesday I am going to go sign up at the gym and start working out once she gets the kids after work. (I get my kids from the baby sitters and hang out with them until she gets off work)

I am trying to focus more on my kids and being a great father for them. I took them this whole week and did their daily routines with them such as breakfast school dinner bathes and the such. I do not want to be only a weekend dad so I am doing what I can do with what I have available.


As far as the DR thing. That was a priority for me today. I purchased it today and have started reading it. I am on now on step 2. I have so far done a 180 from the way I was acting just 3-4 days by the direction of some of the posts I have read from other people and guidance of friends. Conversations I have been listening to her and trying to stay off other subjects other than the kids.

I am really astounded by the am I seeing other females questions. IDK what to think into this. Is that some sign that she is truly struggling with her decision and that this is truly what she wants. I probably answered those questions wrong or I maybe I should have not answered them at all. You guys are way more "pro" at this than I am.

Hopefully my posts will start to go through a little quicker now that my post count is going up so I see feedback quicker.

downandout

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. Hope you will post often and reach out to others. That will help to build up your support group.

The first step in DBing is to pull back. It will be natural for you to want to pursue her, but that will actually push her further away. All this contacting you do needs to stop. No more gifts b/c that is seen as pursuing. Let her contact you. Do not use your children as an excuse to contact her. Stick to a visitation schedule and no more emailing, texting, etc. back & forth.

Do not be available for her. Part of detaching is making yourself unavailable whenever she decides she wants to call, text, or have you come over. You need to project yourself as being a man who has a busy life. Always have plans for special events, holidays, and weekends.

You cannot make her realize that you are the best for her. You have no control over what she does or thinks. The more you try to convince her, the more you'll push her away. Accept that fact and don't do it anymore. The only thing that will convince her is your actions......not talk.

Do not try to discuss the MR. This is a biggy! Men think they can fix the W if they can talk about the problem, or get her to read a certain book, or watch a video about M. But it doesn't work.

You have to focus on being the best "you" that you can be, and leave her alone to do whatever she wants. Everytime you chase her, it's like starting over again.

A WAW wants is not attracted to a man who is needy, clingy, begs & cries, shows weak behavior, or pursues. She needs to see a man of strength. She doesn't want a man she can walk on and boss around. She wants one who will stand up to her and show self-respect.

Did you ever get the DR book?

[MrBond]

sandi is right.

Your W said you were smothering her. Take the hint and back off.

How was her reaction to your gifts?

[downandoutintn]

My posts are very slow to post so I am sorry if I seem like I am not updating.


Most of this is blowing off steam. Right now I don't have anyone to talk to so typing it out at least makes me clear my chest a little bit.

Well here is the latest. I went to get my S tonight. We received a good amount of ice tonight. Where my W is staying is basically right between two really steep hills. I ended up getting stuck on one of the hills.

Any DB-ing I had done is gone now. She started with her same old mess of telling me how I don't know how to drive in the snow and how I don't know how to do this and how I don't know how to do that. Then she called her dad to come help. And then her dad, her uncle, and her cousin showed up to help me out, which is no big deal but then she continued on with what I couldn't do. The same issue that I have had as long as I can remember us. Boy did my feelings of anger, anxiety, and stress came back and after about an hour I couldn't take it no more and the same bickering we always have came back.

Her cousin told me that he had told her that he couldn't believe she treated me like that and that her acting like would have hurt his feelings, to which she replied oh that doesn't hurt his feelings. When in reality it hurts my feelings, my pride, my confidence, and my manhood.

I know we are supposed to keep this about DB-ing but I have let her truly ruin my day. It started early this morning when I fell into the trap. I'm not even going to go through all of it. It started with her asking why I didn't call back last night and then her telling me that it is pretty f-ed up that I am thinking about joining the gym because I wouldn't join with her.

::rant:: I wouldn't join because you would've told me how what I was doing was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::endofrant::

Today was completely discouraging. I went from feeling like things were starting to turn, to me once again trying to explain myself about how she makes me feel when she attacks like that. Now its back to the same stress that I had when she lived here.

Is there a WAS that turns there spouse into a WAS at the same time? That sums me up right now. After today I almost wonder if she is even worth it.

To add to it all my son fell asleep and he didn't even get to come over.

[downandoutintn]

Another day of ups and downs. I was still pretty mad this morning. Now tonight when I had to tell the kids and W bye it is a different story. I was able to keep my composure around her today. She is getting an apartment and I just told her it would be good for her to get some independence for herself. Pretty good conversation and what not. This would be so much easier if I didn't see my kids every day but I am not giving that up.