New to this community seeking advice 3

[JR09]

My thread is locked so I started a new one...

I've been having too many expectations every time I see my W(which has been every week for now at the BB games). I need to go back to detaching instead of reacting on impulse. I thought about this a lot. I have to detach better than what I've been doing for the past 2 weeks.

Not detaching well caused me to have all kinds of emotions: happiness, anger, frustration. Just like a roller coaster. It's been killing me lately. I must detach to be on an even keel again. I think that's what's been lacking lately in my interactions with my W. I started to sound needy and clingy again.

BB game tonight with S13. Time to get this right.

Joel

[JR09]

Now that I am as close as ever in proximity to my W, I think I wanted to do things too quickly: get her to talk to me, get any feedback, ask for a meeting together, etc, etc. I lost sight of the bigger picture which is to be patient and consistent.

Got to refocus. Got to detach more effectively. I realize now how nervous and excited I've been each time I see my W during those BB games. Too excited, too impatient, wanting things to happen now, etc etc.

I think I've been doing well til I moved closer to my W and kids. I need to regroup and detach. I really think that was my missing link. Anyway, just thinking...

Joel

[lostinscared]

Joel (Job),

I guess I'm not reading you going through those emotions. You need to express them more because even though you probably do need to attach, you do need to let us know what's going on inside you.

Hope without expectations... I think that is the single hardest thing for all of us to figure out. Perhaps MWD can do a book dedicated to that topic.

Listen, most of us would not have made it as far as you have. Most of us would have been divorced by now. It is your patience and work that has gotten you this far. If you think you need to tweak a bit, then tweak. But your story is such an inspiration to me. I want to learn your patience. If it doesn't save my marriage, that's fine, but it will save me. I am an overly anxious person and that is because I'm so impatient. It's not worth living your life like that. EVERYTHING in life will send you on a roller coaster ride. But you, you have this patience thing nailed. I just don't think you realize how much. Stay the course, Joel. You aren't divorced. THAT'S THE BIGGEST TIPOFF THAT YOU ARE GETTING AT LEAST SOME THINGS RIGHT!

LIS

[JR09]

Lost,

Thanks for the encouragement. I need some for sure. I have been patient, that's true. I've seen many friends divorce while I am still holding on to hope. I've been counseled many times to let go and move on in the past 2.5 yrs.

I'm holding on because,for unknown reasons, my W still hasn't divorced me. So here I am. Some amy say I am stuck, but I am not divorced, and my W doesn't seem to want to be divorced (actions speak louder than words...).

I'll hang on til there is nothing to hang on to anymore.


Joel

[Resilient]

I am finding that posting here before I act may be the cure to acting out...hope that helps...it seems like it will help me...if I stop, think about it and write about it...I believe I won't react...it's what I am going to try. Hope that helps.
C

[lostinscared]

I suppose I have a different definition of "stuck." You admit that you made mistakes in this marriage and have made huge strides in fixing what was broken in you. You are a changed man and you have gain tremendous wisdom from this experience. Where is stuck in there?

That you stand for your marriage and your vows doesn't make you stuck, it makes you a man of your word who wants to honor your vows. Take that advice with a grain of salt. So many in this society want the easy way out. You, my friend, have not chosen that path. That doesn't make you stuck, that makes you a man on a different path.

LIS

[MichelleLT]

Ditto to lost!

It's ironic, but separation really does make some parts of this process easier. You are in an adjustment phase now because of the move and the increased contact.

"Act as if" until it is so. Play it cool. Be calm and collected in your interactions, even if it isn't true. And most of all be patient. You are not stuck, there have been tons of baby steps. Don't lose sight of that.

Have fun at the games this week!!!!

[WCW]

Joel, don't be TOO hard on yourself for getting anxious. I hope I wasn't too harsh, thru all of this I still have not learned to sugarcoat my words/posts.

You are doing great, you've learned a lot and much has changed in a short time now in your sitch. Let it settle before taking the next baby step. Has anyone explained about catching a rabbit? it's pretty easy to move fast and scare it off but being slow and having a lot of patience gets the rabbit twitching its nose towards you to see what you're doing.

Very true that by now many LBS would have given up, or not had the chance to not give up because the WAS filed. You have the chance to keep working on being the guy that your W can love again.

Enjoy the good things that are happening, but keep your finger off the fast forward button!

[JR09]

Had a great time at S13's BB game. W wasn't there. S13 said she stayed home to study for a test for school. I stayed with S13 after his game just to be with him. Chatted with his friends. I love it. Next game: THU.

I wonder if W notices that I am really trying to make up for lost time by attending all these games because I want to be a better father. Who knows, huh? yes...who knows...

I'll definitely keep my finger off the FFwd button.

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Fun fun fun about the games!

W notices. Trust me, she sees. She sees a hell of a lot more now than when you lived in separate states, and just look at how much progress you made despite that distance. Remember how much you thought she couldn't see, but your changes were noticed anyways? Now she has a TON more to notice.

But that doesn't mean progress is going to speed up.

It means that she will begin to trust the person you have become more. That she will probably get past some of her fears and concerns. But it will still take time.

You are not just starting from scratch with this R, you are starting from a negative. In a new R, you don't have fights, the deployments and PTSD. You have a clean plate in a new R. That's one of the reasons affairs are so addicting.

But her impression of you has been tarnished, so you have to polish it all up and LIVE the person you want to be long enough for her to believe in you again.

Would she have left the kids alone with you two or three years ago? My gut says no. The fact that she let you be the parental figure while she stayed home to study is actually very promising. It could be pullback from sitting with her at the game, a way for her to reestablish some distance, but even if it is IT SHOWS TRUST IN YOU to take care of the kids alone!

Look at how far you have come from fighting to come up and visit the kids. To let you keep them overnight! YOU HAVE COME SO FAR.