Poster mentioned timeline...what's it look like?

[Queen_of_Swords]

On one of the threads I started a poster mentioned that I had a short timeline.

So what does this timeline of an MLC'er look like? How much time do I have to look for a turnaround, if there is one?

[PEI]

As long as it takes, no more, no less.

[AntoniaB]

PEI is totally right. It's over when it's over and not any sooner. And that's just the WAS's side of things. You of course have an agenda all your own. I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is the fact that the timeline is much longer than I wanted/anticipated and that it is entirely and completely out of my control. The only thing in my control is how I react to all of it and what I choose to do with the life I have left in front of me...

[Queen_of_Swords]

PEI is totally right. It's over when it's over and not any sooner. And that's just the WAS's side of things. You of course have an agenda all your own. I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is the fact that the timeline is much longer than I wanted/anticipated and that it is entirely and completely out of my control. The only thing in my control is how I react to all of it and what I choose to do with the life I have left in front of me...

Great. I cannot tell you how discouraged and defeated this makes me feel. Should I just give up trying to save my marriage? Friend of mine said it was over, perhaps she was right, and I'm just spinning my wheels.

[Truegritter]

Should I just give up trying to save my marriage? Friend of mine said it was over, perhaps she was right, and I'm just spinning my wheels.

That is up to you.

I asked the same question when I first got here.

Are you here for quid pro quo?

You'll give as long as you a guranteed to get what you want back?

Is that what your vows meant to you when you said:

I will love and honor you all the days of my life

BUT

If you don't give me what I want.

What I feel entitled to receive for this commitment I say to you today.

If you get scared and confused.

If you get so scared you run away.

THEN

I won't.

One thing I can tell you Scylla is we want a lot of things when we get here and most of them have to do with our own fears.

When you make a decision.

One that most people don't make.

Choose the path less traveled.

You find answers that most people don't get.

Most people don't even know what questions to ask.

You want a guarantee?

Great. I cannot tell you how discouraged and defeated this makes me feel.

I guarantee you will continue to feel this way unless you decide to define success on your own terms and based on what you control...

whether it is with your H or someone new.

Your success lies within you not in the actions or inaction of another.

So what are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Should I just give up trying to save my marriage? Friend of mine said it was over, perhaps she was right, and I'm just spinning my wheels.

That is up to you.

I asked the same question when I first got here.

Are you here for quid pro quo?

You'll give as long as you a guranteed to get what you want back?

There is nothing to give. H wants nothing from me. I said this before. If he could and there were no kids involved I would not see him for dust. H loves his kids...I'm just the caregiver.

Is that what your vows meant to you when you said:

I will love and honor you all the days of my life

BUT

If you don't give me what I want.

What I feel entitled to receive for this commitment I say to you today.

If you get scared and confused.

If you get so scared you run away.

THEN

I won't.

I meant my vows, that's why I'm here, that's why I'm struggling. H clearly did not take them in the same spirit with the same intent. Can you even begin to sustain anything if the other party to that covenant decides to break it?
To him women are fungible, at least so it appears. No one is irreplaceable. Even Job replaced his family.

One thing I can tell you Scylla is we want a lot of things when we get here and most of them have to do with our own fears.

I do not disagree with you here. Not one little bit.

When you make a decision.

One that most people don't make.

Choose the path less traveled.

You find answers that most people don't get.

Most people don't even know what questions to ask.

You want a guarantee?

Great. I cannot tell you how discouraged and defeated this makes me feel.

I guarantee you will continue to feel this way unless you decide to define success on your own terms and based on what you control...

whether it is with your H or someone new.

I don't control a whole he77 of a lot. I'm mostly playing catch up and adpating to circumstances as fast as I can from my POV.


Your success lies within you not in the actions or inaction of another.

So what are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved?


I am trying to figure that out. It's a good question.

[Truegritter]

There is nothing to give. H wants nothing from me. I said this before. If he could and there were no kids involved I would not see him for dust. H loves his kids...I'm just the caregiver.

You are giving time to your M while he doesn't want it. That is what you are giving.

You are giving respect to your vows that he chooses not to give right now.

Can you even begin to sustain anything if the other party to that covenant decides to break it?.

Yes you can.

If you choose to do so.

You can do it in spite of what H chooses right now.

That may be the biggest decision you will ever make because I can tell you the truth you find in this will change your life and every person your life touches including your children and your H.

It is very difficult I won't sugar coat it for you.

And most people are not up for the the worst in "for better or worse"

No one can judge you for running. The barn door is open.

This is for you not H so choose wisely

[AntoniaB]

I guess what I was trying to say--and it wasn't meant to depress you--was that you have two choices: you can say it's over, I'm done, I'm getting into something with someone else, that's it, or you can say I don't know what is going to happen and I'm going to learn to live with that uncertainty. While I'm living with uncertainty I'm going to learn how to take care of myself and become a better person.

Like in my situation, I think it appears to everyone that I've given up entirely on my marriage. My divorce is about to be finalized, my H has never conveyed any interest in reconciliation, is firmly entrenched with the OW, and I don't believe there is any chance he is going to "wake up" and come back. I have "given up" or "given in" on the old marriage. I want the divorce to be finalized so that that chapter of my life is over. The marriage went south before the OW. I wanted to fix it; he didn't. I can't do anything about that.

I am moving on with my life. I am finding fulfillment with friends and family. I am single.

I'm not actively trying to find someone new. If something comes my way, I'll see how I feel about it then. But I'm not pushing for a relationship because that part doesn't feel "right" to me.

But if you ask me this: "if your h came back, a year from now, 5 years from now, and you were single at the time, and he wanted to explore reconciliation, would you be ok with that?" And right now, I'd still say yes. Will I feel that way in a year or more from now? I don't know. Maybe I'll be with someone. Maybe I won't. I just don't know.

So in my mind I'm still a bit in the whole "for better or worse" and thinking, maybe he and I need a break for a LONG time. Maybe we even need to be in other relationships. Maybe we'll find each other again. I know that we both had a lot of growing up to do. I've done a lot of work there. Him, I don't see that happening. Maybe he needs more time than me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't know what's going to happen, and I'm learning to be ok with not knowing. I was very much focused on a timeline when I first came here. Like you I wanted to know how long I'd be "here" or what to expect.

And you know what? None of us know. It's different for every couple. What is the longest you can stand to be in limbo or uncertainty? A year? Two years? If you said "one year and no more", what if something shifted powerfully when it was a year and a week?

You have to learn to live with uncertainty and learn that timelines are artificial ways we have of trying to impose control when we feel out of control and powerless. What people here have taught me to do is to seek and find power elsewhere, through the control I have over MY life and me alone, and to let go of that which I cannot control. I can't control him, only me. That's kind of where you need to put your efforts.

[handlingplanb]

I'm going to learn to live with that uncertainty. While I'm living with uncertainty I'm going to learn how to take care of myself and become a better person.

AMEN!