I have been just trying to let the phone thing go. I need to trust my wife for now. I will never have the chance to see the phone anyway, and if I ever got caught looking, where would that leave me? She has to want to work on this, and right now I am pretty sure she is not going to. Funny thing that happened yesterday, she mentioned that it looks like I lost weight. I said "thank you" she asked how much, I told her and left it at that. Later, she was looking at me and I said "what" she said "just looking at how blue your eyes are" I didn't know what to say I just smiled and continued on. Is she trying to see if I will complement her? That is one of my faults of the past, never giving her props for doing a great job, or losing weight or whatever. Should I be complementing her now? Is that persuing? Keep in mind this is the same lady that made it very clear she doesn't love me 3 weeks ago. I am doing my best to listen, but sometimes I just think I am reading way to much into her every comment. I also said something in a joking manner last nite, and she smiled and said "now that is the old shaves I know". She must be seeing some change.(I hope). Same cold lady this morning though, not even a "have a good day".
Internally she is conflicted.. she is bouncing through emotions of remembering why she married you and all the disappointments she had that led her to seek divorce. don't read too much into it, but it is good that she is recognizing change.
I would say that she does fear losing you. her eyes and weight comments are mainly an attempt to keep you in your place (with her in control of you) this is how I see it....your W, I'm going to D shaves so I will go out, party, live the life I want, talk to other guys, start new relationships....whatever I want. Now as shaves gets stronger and more independent from her she may do nice things, compliment, perhaps kiss or have sex... just to keep you in place. Right now you are still an OPTION for her (while she is your PRIORITY). It's when you can't be persuaded with her flattery or physical affection anymore that she will really begin to feel like she has lost you.
No, don't compliment her, it is pursuit and you aren't anywhere near a stage where she deserves your attention.... You are in last resort technique and dropping the rope. You are letting her go... you aren't going to stand in her way of the divorce, but you aren't going to help her either.
well, this detaching thing really [censored]. We just sat down to figure out the kid and daycare situation for the next 2 weeks. She is going to move in with her sister, 30 miles away. She will move in this weekend. Her staying here has not been working for her. She feels that she has no freedom. Feels awkward(her words). So we get a plan and it went well with no fighting or anything, I held my ground and respect was kept all around. My wife is leaving me and I almost feel relief that we can start a life apart. I feel like I am giving up by letting her go so easily. I didn't feel the rotton empty feeling like she is going to never come back(which is a huge possibility) as I feel a husband should. I know she is very happy for herself, regarding a new chapter in her life. I am not giving up, still on the last resort technique, living it the best I can. But it is a very somber moment. I may never be close to her again. [censored].
Shaves, You have to park those feelings and emotions for right now. Look, I know what you are going through. A couple of weeks ago during the Saturday when my W and I were packing the kitchen, she bent over and I could see down her shirt. I am a man, so I looked. All of a sudden I became overwhelmed with the thoughts that I may never touch her again, I may never be sexual with her again and I may never make love her again, which I enjoyed very much. Those feelings almost made me backslide right there in the kitchen. I started feeling like I needed to start up a talk about the R, but I stopped myself. And, you will need to do the same. Right now those feelings will do you no good. Let them go or put them somewhere for now. OK? You have to for now.
I want to share something with you right now that you might find helpful when dealing with your guilt about being OK with her moving. When my father was close to death (he died very slowly and painfully from a four year bout with cancer), we starting working with a hospice group and their counselors. They explained to me and my mother that we should expect to go through a period shortly after his death where we are going to find ourselves unexpectedly happy. We were both completely puzzled as to why we would be happy. They went on to explain that we would experience a period of happiness because we will realize that after his death, the pain and suffering and constant fumbling around "in the dark" will be over. They told me that after spending so many months watching him suffer, I will find some relief in his death because I would not have to watch him suffer any longer. They were right.
Same goes here. You and your W have been struggling so much that your home and your marriage is no longer a healthy place to be. It is, unfortunately, a very negative place to be. So, the thoughts that you are about to get out of this crappy environment is pleasing to you. My friend, there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. The suffering is about to have it's first intermission. Just be aware, the good feelings will fade quickly once the reality sets in. But, for now, don't deny yourself the relief that you are feeling. It is good for you right now.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Had a bad dream last nite, wife was pregnant with someone elses kid. Way too real. Not cool at all. Guess I still have some detaching to do. We are fixing to tell the kids about our separation on Monday nite, how fitting. Not looking forward to that. Part of me wants her to tell them, because she is the one leaving. But I want the kids(D5 S4) to be hit as gently as possible with this. I dont care if I have to do all the talking. Does anyone have any experience with doing this? Do you tell them it is temporary? do you leave as much to their imagination as possible? Do you give them the brutal reality?
Shaves, I don't have children, so I can't help here. But, I would say this. Spend as much time telling them that you both still love them and that this will never change. Answer their questions with love and honesty and continue to reassure them that they are going to be OK no matter what happens. That is about all you can do. You won't be able to control their emotions or how badly their minds are going to mess with them later. Just do your best. I know you will!!!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
You let her do most of the talking... she is the ones that has decided she has to leave. Tell them that you love them both very much and that this has absolutely nothing to do with them... Stand behind her and feel free to correct her if she says something that isn't true. Strong, confident, decisive, in control is the key here. It is going to be brutally hard, don't show your hand, no tears. You are strong because you know the key to your happiness isn't going anywhere.
well, wife and I had some time together today. She started by asking me "you don't really think I am coming back do you". I responded by saying I don't expect you to come back. I want you to be happy about your life and yourself. She went on to say that she is so very much happier now that she doesn't have to concern herself about pleasing me or worring about what I think. She went on to talk about divorce. The conversation changed tone a bit. and I told her that if she feels she needs to file then I cant stop her. I told her that I feel that she needs to give the total seperation a little time to see how things go for her. thing got a littler deeper then. She went on to say that her and her C have been talking about the damage to her in the past. She says she doesn't think she can ever trust me with her feelings again. She really wants out at this time, and we shall see. I told her the biggest thing is we are both happy in our lives. She said she will give it a couple weeks, but "I may feel that I need to get this done" She also feels that the ring will come off soon. I DBed pretty darn good, but her feelings right now are that she has never been happier. She said "I told you that you wouldnt like the real me"
what a roller coaster! Right now I am on top even though today was the first time the W mentioned divorce since second bomb. She seemed so confident today that she is done forever. It almost makes my job easier. I know that I am doing everything in my power to stop this. It may not stop, but I know in my heart, that is HER who is bailing out, it is off my chest. Alot easier to feel OK about it. I am not giving up, but the ball is in her court and I am living my life the best I can with what I have. After today, I almost have myself talked out of wanting her back. I am sure the roller coaster won't stay up for too long though.
